It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Old Stuff

I haven't mentioned it really in the videos I've been doing, but lately a lot of my old problems are bothering me again. Mainly cutting is what's getting to me the most. For some reason I've been getting these urges to do it again. It's been well over a year since I've done it, and they just came back so strong. What worries me the most is, I actually do miss it. It felt so fucking good. I only stopped because I went on hormones, and I didn't want to make anymore scars that would show when I dressed as a girl. I guess that's as good as any reason to stop, but I guess I feel like I want more of a reason to have stopped than vanity. In some way, I think that's what I've been doing, looking for a deeper reason. Then again, I don't think any reasons I'm giving myself make me dislike how it felt. Just when I thought I had left this problem behind me, it comes back out and bites me in the ass again. I can think of so many reasons not to do it, but that urge doesn't go away. I've been fighting it, and the only reason I haven't done it is, because the only razor blade I found around here was too dull to do it. I hate to say that, but it's true. I just feel really disappointed in myself right now, for trying that again. There really isn't any specific situation or whatever right now that's making me feel this way. It's just my mental dependance on this hasn't been broken enough. I don't do it, but my mind is still addicted to the feeling I got from it. It still wants me to do it again. I'm still fucking addicted after all this time. That's what worries me. I'm going to be ok, I just needed to vent about this somewhere. I really need another therapist.

1 comment:

Lori D said...

You obviously don't need anyone telling you how to "fix this," and I won't try to here either. You know what sets it off and how to deal with it, and I trust you'll do just that. For what it's worth I find myself sink back into this battle of depression I keep fighting, even after being on hormones though it's subsided greatly. However, I'm learning that feeling guilty about it only keeps me down longer.
I've said this to my other friends before: Vent, girl, vent.