It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I've Got Problems

I'm sorry I haven't been making vidoes or posting blogs much this week. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that's kept me from it. I hate to admit this, but I've fallen back into drinking. The worst thing is, it's worse than before. At least when I was doing it before I only did it every so often. The point then was just to numb myself, but now it's just because it's here. I don't guess this qualifies me as an alcoholic yet, but for the last 4 days or so I've gotten in the habit of drinking every day. It started out as me getting drunk one night last week. My boyfriend had his friends over for almost 2 straight days, and it was starting to get on my nerves. So I did that to loosen myself up so I wouldn't go off on anyone. That's been the worst so far. I haven't been drinking nearly enough to get me drunk on a daily basis, but it's still enough to get a good buzz from. It didn't really hit me until last night just how bad this was getting. I went to the refrigerator to look for some juice, and there wasn't any left. So instead of just opening some more, I grabbed some vodka from the bar. Then later was dumping brandy into some of the juice I was drinking, and last night I put sherry in my pepsi. I was feeling pretty light headed by the time I decided to go to bed. It wasn't until I tried to sit down and read that I realized it was probably from the alcohol. I just like broke down and cried, because the first image in my head was hoplessly alcoholic unemployed step dad. The last person in the world I want to be anything like. I've been ignoring my blogs lately, and usually it's because of the alcohol. It just all kind of hit me at once just how much drinking has been interfering with my life the last few days. I'm tired of it. I went through most of my teens drunk or high, and imparied in some way or another, I don't want that to be the rest of my life. I made my boyfriend promise to keep me away from the alcohol until friday, and even then not to left me go overboard with it. That's really just because we plan on partying with a friend of ours. I'm just sick of these addictions in my life. It's been one thing or another since I was 16, and I just can't let it go on. I've come too far with my transition, and starting a new life of sorts, to let my old problems come back again. I'll make a video about this later, and I will be sober today.

1 comment:

Lori D said...

I obviously don't need to tell you of the dangers of becoming an alcoholic. I already have a predisposition to it since my dad and brother were alcoholics. I therefore don't absolutely shut myself off, but I made a solemn oath to myself to never drink more than 2 drinks a day. I've had 3 drinks in one day only once in 12 years and am proud of that.

I know the feeling, you don't think you have a problem until it's too late. You're acknowledging the issue now and that's good. Now you just need to take action and find a better avenue to destress. I hope it works out for you.