Monday, October 27, 2008
I'm sorry I haven't been making vidoes or posting blogs much this week. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that's kept me from it. I hate to admit this, but I've fallen back into drinking. The worst thing is, it's worse than before. At least when I was doing it before I only did it every so often. The point then was just to numb myself, but now it's just because it's here. I don't guess this qualifies me as an alcoholic yet, but for the last 4 days or so I've gotten in the habit of drinking every day. It started out as me getting drunk one night last week. My boyfriend had his friends over for almost 2 straight days, and it was starting to get on my nerves. So I did that to loosen myself up so I wouldn't go off on anyone. That's been the worst so far. I haven't been drinking nearly enough to get me drunk on a daily basis, but it's still enough to get a good buzz from. It didn't really hit me until last night just how bad this was getting. I went to the refrigerator to look for some juice, and there wasn't any left. So instead of just opening some more, I grabbed some vodka from the bar. Then later was dumping brandy into some of the juice I was drinking, and last night I put sherry in my pepsi. I was feeling pretty light headed by the time I decided to go to bed. It wasn't until I tried to sit down and read that I realized it was probably from the alcohol. I just like broke down and cried, because the first image in my head was hoplessly alcoholic unemployed step dad. The last person in the world I want to be anything like. I've been ignoring my blogs lately, and usually it's because of the alcohol. It just all kind of hit me at once just how much drinking has been interfering with my life the last few days. I'm tired of it. I went through most of my teens drunk or high, and imparied in some way or another, I don't want that to be the rest of my life. I made my boyfriend promise to keep me away from the alcohol until friday, and even then not to left me go overboard with it. That's really just because we plan on partying with a friend of ours. I'm just sick of these addictions in my life. It's been one thing or another since I was 16, and I just can't let it go on. I've come too far with my transition, and starting a new life of sorts, to let my old problems come back again. I'll make a video about this later, and I will be sober today.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I've got a bit of time to write some stuff now, so I guessI'll start off with how my grandparents shocked me before I left. They had told me that because of me being TG and transitioning and everything, they weren't going to give me the money they had saved for me for college. Mostly because I want to use it to help me pay for transition. But, last week, only a few hours before I was supposed to leave, they say they need to talk to me about something. I go see what's going on, and my granddad pulls out this bank envelope and says that they had pulled 100 bucks out of the savings they had for me, and I could take as much of it as I wanted. Needless to say I actually asked him to say it again because I thought I was hearing things. The same grandparents who not too long ago told me that what I'm doing is sick and going against nature, are suddenly being nice and giving me money. They even went out and got all these snack food things for me to bring with me. It's the absolute last thing I expected for them to do. I don't know what brought this on. It's so sudden and dramatic it's almost creepy. My first reaction is to ask who died or is dying. I'm not complaining though, if my family wants to give me money by all means do so. I'll gladly take it, at this point every little bit helps. Maybe the time I've spent away from home has made them start to come around with everything. I can only hope. Whatever it is I like it, and I hope it keeps happening. Just thought that was worth writing about, not like it happens every day.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Well I got home ealier in the day from Richard's. Got yelled at within the first 5 hours of being home too. Like usual my grandparents see fit to make me feel like the most horrible person in the world. I ask them if they know what they're going to do for Thanksgiving yet, out of some consideration for them. I wanted to know because I was actually thinking of staying here for it. Then somehow the conversation once again goes to me not having a job. They tell me I need to pick one place and live there all the time, and then threaten to cut the internet off here since I haven't been home in a month. They also keep telling me they're going to stop paying my health insurance for me. I just tell them do it, it's not helping me at all with transition, and I can't afford to pay it myself. They already say I'm not getting my savings account in December, so they're just trying to make my life as miserable as they can. Sometimes I'm not sure why I even try to come home at all. Then again I'll admit I had gotten kind of homesick after being away for a month. Kind of weird since I've spent the last 5 years trying to figure out how to get away from this place. Now that I might finally have that chance, it's harder than I thought it would be. I feel almost like I have no real home right now. I'm going back and forth between Richard's and my house, and I'm never here more than 2 weeks at a time lately. Since the begining of August I haven't spent more than a week at home, almost 2 months away total. I don't really feel like I have much of a choice right now, move away or stay here and suffer. Only I can't move, because I can't afford it. I can try the moving in with Richard and his parents thing, but I can only fit so much of my stuff into his room. What I brought just for a month was a challenge to fit. I don't know what I'm going to do right now. My only real choice is to leave everyone I've known my whole life behind, and my friends, and just get moving over with some way. Me and him just both need jobs first, which around here is easier said than done for me.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I hate putting bad news up on here two days in a row, but something new went down today. My boyfriend is begining to think that he may be transsexual as well, and he wanted to go to his psychologist appointment today dressed as a girl. I encouraged him to do it, I mean it's his happiness that I care about. Then when he mentions it to his mom, she tells him not to, because his step dad will get pissed off. This brings me to telling the big picture. His step dad doesn't like seeing him dressed up, and has actually gotten into fights with my boyfriend in the past over it. He doesn't want to talk about it, and has said there's no way he's letting it happen. He accepts me just fine as I am, and knows all about me. Can you say double standard? I can be myself in this house, but my boyfriend can't!? His mom is fine with everything, and even says she understands. However, when his step dad gets pissed she's suddenly on his side, even after expressing how much she hates the way he feels about it. Hippocritical much? I'm just tired of it, I can't fucking stand it. I feel like shit knowing that I'm allowed to be myself and he's not. His step dad as even said that if he was just gay there would be no problem. What the fuck? That's all that crossed my mind when I heard that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of this. I can't accept it going on, but at te same time, if I refuse to come here, I can't see my boyfriend anymore. I started to do that earlier, but I don't think that will solve the problem. Personally, I'd like to get all 4 of us together in the same place and talk this through, but I have no idea how well that's going to work. Maybe talking to them individually would have a better result. I've got a few other ideas for things I can do to show my disgust though. From now on, I'm only doing what's asked of me around here, and nothing more. I've been doing more than my share of chores lately, so from now on I'll clean up my messes and nothing more. Also, I'm pulling a hunger strike type thing. As long as he can't walk around this house anytime dressed as he wants, I will not eat while his step dad is around. If he can't do something he needs to do around him, then neither can I. I support the people I love, as long as I know what they're doing is right. He's going through so many of the same issues I have, and I can't stand to just sit back and watch as his own family does this to him. I feel like I can't be me around here either. It's almost like I've traded life of unacceptance for another. I'm not accepted as a girl by my own family, any my past as a guy isn't accepted here. I'm not still a guy, but it's part of my past, and I feel like I'm only accepted here because no one knows who I used to be. It's almost like reverse discrimination. It goes against everything I'm fighting for, all my beliefs and principals, and I'll be dammed if I'll turn a blind eye to it. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I just really needed to vent about this.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I haven't mentioned it really in the videos I've been doing, but lately a lot of my old problems are bothering me again. Mainly cutting is what's getting to me the most. For some reason I've been getting these urges to do it again. It's been well over a year since I've done it, and they just came back so strong. What worries me the most is, I actually do miss it. It felt so fucking good. I only stopped because I went on hormones, and I didn't want to make anymore scars that would show when I dressed as a girl. I guess that's as good as any reason to stop, but I guess I feel like I want more of a reason to have stopped than vanity. In some way, I think that's what I've been doing, looking for a deeper reason. Then again, I don't think any reasons I'm giving myself make me dislike how it felt. Just when I thought I had left this problem behind me, it comes back out and bites me in the ass again. I can think of so many reasons not to do it, but that urge doesn't go away. I've been fighting it, and the only reason I haven't done it is, because the only razor blade I found around here was too dull to do it. I hate to say that, but it's true. I just feel really disappointed in myself right now, for trying that again. There really isn't any specific situation or whatever right now that's making me feel this way. It's just my mental dependance on this hasn't been broken enough. I don't do it, but my mind is still addicted to the feeling I got from it. It still wants me to do it again. I'm still fucking addicted after all this time. That's what worries me. I'm going to be ok, I just needed to vent about this somewhere. I really need another therapist.