Tuesday, September 23, 2008
What's going on.
I know I've been a bit unresponsive lately with messages and stuff. I've been having a few relationship issues, mostly because of my problems with sex. Something came up that I've been suspecting for a while now, I think that I may be asexual. It started a few months after I had been on hormones, and I hadn't really been with anyone until now to really be able to tell. I mean until this relationship started I was still a virgin, so I hadn't really had the chance to test the waters, so to speak. I've done it a few times now, but it just seems like I never enjoy it as much as I should. It's too painful I guess is really a big part of it. So I'm not sure if it's just the pain and it's scaring me, or if I'm just not comfortable enough with what I have to do it. Everything up until the physical act of sex I'm ok with, but it's like when that comes up I just can't. I'm attracted to him physically still, so I'm not quite sure what exactly is going on. I've got it narrowed down to 3 things. I'm either just scared because it hurts at the moment, and if we try some tips we've gotten I might enjoy it more, I'm just asexual because I don't feel comfortable using the parts I have now and once I have surgery it should be better, or I'm just asexual period. Unfortunately only one of those gives me some hope of fixing things sooner reather than later. Once we get a little money together I'm hoping we can buy a few things so we can try them and see how I enjoy it then. I'm just not sure what to do if it doesn't help. This has been putting a strain on both of us. Neither one of us wants to break up, but it's like we have no physical love life lately. I don't like it because it makes me feel ignored and unwanted, and he has problems with doing that because he feels like I'm just teasing him if I never have sex. I know it's my body and I shouldn't do it just because someone else wants me to, but I want to. I want to enjoy sex, I'm just not sure how at this point. I can see things from his point of view, but I still feel like I need more than just some cuddling and kissing. For sake of keeping some privacy I won't say what we've done to temporarily fix things, I know he doesn't really want me to blog about this, but I need to get it out some way. I'm just leaving out a few parts I know he doesn't want me to talk about at least. Neither one of us wants to leave the other, so I guess we'll have to figure something out. Anyway, that's all for now, I'll keep things updated as to what happens.