It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What's going on.

I know I've been a bit unresponsive lately with messages and stuff. I've been having a few relationship issues, mostly because of my problems with sex. Something came up that I've been suspecting for a while now, I think that I may be asexual. It started a few months after I had been on hormones, and I hadn't really been with anyone until now to really be able to tell. I mean until this relationship started I was still a virgin, so I hadn't really had the chance to test the waters, so to speak. I've done it a few times now, but it just seems like I never enjoy it as much as I should. It's too painful I guess is really a big part of it. So I'm not sure if it's just the pain and it's scaring me, or if I'm just not comfortable enough with what I have to do it. Everything up until the physical act of sex I'm ok with, but it's like when that comes up I just can't. I'm attracted to him physically still, so I'm not quite sure what exactly is going on. I've got it narrowed down to 3 things. I'm either just scared because it hurts at the moment, and if we try some tips we've gotten I might enjoy it more, I'm just asexual because I don't feel comfortable using the parts I have now and once I have surgery it should be better, or I'm just asexual period. Unfortunately only one of those gives me some hope of fixing things sooner reather than later. Once we get a little money together I'm hoping we can buy a few things so we can try them and see how I enjoy it then. I'm just not sure what to do if it doesn't help. This has been putting a strain on both of us. Neither one of us wants to break up, but it's like we have no physical love life lately. I don't like it because it makes me feel ignored and unwanted, and he has problems with doing that because he feels like I'm just teasing him if I never have sex. I know it's my body and I shouldn't do it just because someone else wants me to, but I want to. I want to enjoy sex, I'm just not sure how at this point. I can see things from his point of view, but I still feel like I need more than just some cuddling and kissing. For sake of keeping some privacy I won't say what we've done to temporarily fix things, I know he doesn't really want me to blog about this, but I need to get it out some way. I'm just leaving out a few parts I know he doesn't want me to talk about at least. Neither one of us wants to leave the other, so I guess we'll have to figure something out. Anyway, that's all for now, I'll keep things updated as to what happens.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Sage. Tell your partner to relax. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. The sex will come. Both of you are going through an emotionally charged time. Many couples break-up at the first sign of stress in their relationships. You two should be proud of yourselves for the way you're working through this.

Regarding the actual sex: Whatever you two do is between yourselves. I don't think it really matters what you do as long as it's done with respect.