It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A New Poem

I was working on this for over 2 hours this morning. I think it's the reason I've been feeling so depressed this week. I get like that when poetry is having a hard time coming out. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

The Girl Inside

there is a story that needs to be told,
and trust me, it can be quite chilling and cold.
to look at me now, you probably can't tell
that I once was in the deepest hell.
from my earliest memories I knew something was not right,
little did I know it would cause such a fight.
this fight you could not see,
for in my head is where it would be.
there was a part of me I knew,
but I would not let her shine through.
I was far too scared,
to tell another I never dared.
I tried to keep her happy for the longest time,
but one day, all that turned on a dime.
the prison bars came slamming down,
and I put her in a place I thought she'd never be found.
unfortunately, her pain was also mine,
so for a while, nothing was fine.
I tore into my own flesh
until the blood ran oh so fresh.
the razor blade was my only friend,
even though I knew it might just cause my end.
all the while she was screaming out in pain,
and so was I, to my great disdain.
it soon became unbearable,
and so I thought of something so terrible.
I would take my own life,
it was the only way to end this strife.
I cried as I put the noose around my neck,
and for a moment I paused, then I thought, why not, what the heck?
the world suddenly went black,
the last thing I expected was to be back
I opened my eyes as I lay on the ground,
wondering if this was death I had found.
however, the reality soon hit me,
on this day my death was not to be.
six months later I would try again with pills.
was I just in it for the thrills?
once again I would somehow survive,
and through it all, my self mutilation thrived.
as I did my time in the mental ward,
these feelings I did horde.
so much was to follow,
that my soul would soon feel so very hollow.
drugs and alcohol would numb the pain,
as the girl inside watched in vain.
my life quickly spiraled down,
and in the tide of uncertainty I felt myself begin to drown.
then one day, out of nowhere, I was thrown a life line.
little did I know, my life it would soon come to define.
I was not alone,
and the path to my salvation I was shown.
the girl inside rejoiced as her prison bars were lifted,
and then I realized that through her I was gifted.
I would get to see life from both sides,
and luckily, my friends would be my guides.
I had made it through all the horror and pain,
and thankfully that girl was never slain.
however she would take her revenge on the man who imprisoned her.
slowly, day by day, he faded, until nothing of him was left but a blur
today that girl is me,
and I am happy to say, the guy I once was, has ceased to be.
may he rest in peace,
for my reign will never cease.


Lori D said...

Awesome poem! I can almost hear it to music.
I bet this was incredibly cathartic for you, wasn't it? I feel a release just reading it!

lucyinthesky... said...

amazing song...its reminded me a little of tim burton's style at the beggining...I like how you're using the rhymes (altough they are sometimes really stupid, yours were really nice) (: