It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What's going on.

I know I've been a bit unresponsive lately with messages and stuff. I've been having a few relationship issues, mostly because of my problems with sex. Something came up that I've been suspecting for a while now, I think that I may be asexual. It started a few months after I had been on hormones, and I hadn't really been with anyone until now to really be able to tell. I mean until this relationship started I was still a virgin, so I hadn't really had the chance to test the waters, so to speak. I've done it a few times now, but it just seems like I never enjoy it as much as I should. It's too painful I guess is really a big part of it. So I'm not sure if it's just the pain and it's scaring me, or if I'm just not comfortable enough with what I have to do it. Everything up until the physical act of sex I'm ok with, but it's like when that comes up I just can't. I'm attracted to him physically still, so I'm not quite sure what exactly is going on. I've got it narrowed down to 3 things. I'm either just scared because it hurts at the moment, and if we try some tips we've gotten I might enjoy it more, I'm just asexual because I don't feel comfortable using the parts I have now and once I have surgery it should be better, or I'm just asexual period. Unfortunately only one of those gives me some hope of fixing things sooner reather than later. Once we get a little money together I'm hoping we can buy a few things so we can try them and see how I enjoy it then. I'm just not sure what to do if it doesn't help. This has been putting a strain on both of us. Neither one of us wants to break up, but it's like we have no physical love life lately. I don't like it because it makes me feel ignored and unwanted, and he has problems with doing that because he feels like I'm just teasing him if I never have sex. I know it's my body and I shouldn't do it just because someone else wants me to, but I want to. I want to enjoy sex, I'm just not sure how at this point. I can see things from his point of view, but I still feel like I need more than just some cuddling and kissing. For sake of keeping some privacy I won't say what we've done to temporarily fix things, I know he doesn't really want me to blog about this, but I need to get it out some way. I'm just leaving out a few parts I know he doesn't want me to talk about at least. Neither one of us wants to leave the other, so I guess we'll have to figure something out. Anyway, that's all for now, I'll keep things updated as to what happens.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A New Poem

I was working on this for over 2 hours this morning. I think it's the reason I've been feeling so depressed this week. I get like that when poetry is having a hard time coming out. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

The Girl Inside

there is a story that needs to be told,
and trust me, it can be quite chilling and cold.
to look at me now, you probably can't tell
that I once was in the deepest hell.
from my earliest memories I knew something was not right,
little did I know it would cause such a fight.
this fight you could not see,
for in my head is where it would be.
there was a part of me I knew,
but I would not let her shine through.
I was far too scared,
to tell another I never dared.
I tried to keep her happy for the longest time,
but one day, all that turned on a dime.
the prison bars came slamming down,
and I put her in a place I thought she'd never be found.
unfortunately, her pain was also mine,
so for a while, nothing was fine.
I tore into my own flesh
until the blood ran oh so fresh.
the razor blade was my only friend,
even though I knew it might just cause my end.
all the while she was screaming out in pain,
and so was I, to my great disdain.
it soon became unbearable,
and so I thought of something so terrible.
I would take my own life,
it was the only way to end this strife.
I cried as I put the noose around my neck,
and for a moment I paused, then I thought, why not, what the heck?
the world suddenly went black,
the last thing I expected was to be back
I opened my eyes as I lay on the ground,
wondering if this was death I had found.
however, the reality soon hit me,
on this day my death was not to be.
six months later I would try again with pills.
was I just in it for the thrills?
once again I would somehow survive,
and through it all, my self mutilation thrived.
as I did my time in the mental ward,
these feelings I did horde.
so much was to follow,
that my soul would soon feel so very hollow.
drugs and alcohol would numb the pain,
as the girl inside watched in vain.
my life quickly spiraled down,
and in the tide of uncertainty I felt myself begin to drown.
then one day, out of nowhere, I was thrown a life line.
little did I know, my life it would soon come to define.
I was not alone,
and the path to my salvation I was shown.
the girl inside rejoiced as her prison bars were lifted,
and then I realized that through her I was gifted.
I would get to see life from both sides,
and luckily, my friends would be my guides.
I had made it through all the horror and pain,
and thankfully that girl was never slain.
however she would take her revenge on the man who imprisoned her.
slowly, day by day, he faded, until nothing of him was left but a blur
today that girl is me,
and I am happy to say, the guy I once was, has ceased to be.
may he rest in peace,
for my reign will never cease.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Just a video on some issues that I've been having lately.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


Ok, I have some things to talk about this time. As I mentioned when I posted my video last time, I have started a video blog on youtube. I'm at my boyfriend's so much lately that I decided to start using his digital camera to make videos. There's also high speed internet here, so that helps a lot too. Here's the link to my channel page. http://www.youtube.com/user/sagefalloncox I'm going to put a link to it in the side bar also. Other things to mention, I got to meet a post op MtF last night. Me and Richie when out to dinner with her and her husband, and then to a gay bar. Things went pretty well, I got to talk with her some and get a better idea of what to expect in the future. I picked up a few tips, and had some fun, so things went well. I was a little depressed that day, so I didn't losen up as much as I could have I guess. Her husband paid a drag queen to give me a kiss on the cheek. So I had an interesting time, my first time at a gay bar I might mention. Overall things are going pretty well for me. I decided to finally send a nastly little email to the Human Rights Campaign yesterday. I think I got my point across about not being happy with their ENDA decision. Anyway, I think that's about all I've really got to say for now.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Video Blog

I started a video blog on youtube today, so I thought I would post it on here as well.