It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Full Time

Things have been pretty interesting around here since I got home Sunday. I got here only about half an hour before my whole family was about to show up for lunch. I didn't feel like changing out of my girl clothes and wearing my guy ones, so I didn't. I just sat in my room with the door shut for about half an hour after people got here before anyone so much as came to say hi to me. My grandma came to the door and asked me to come out and see everyone. So, I opened the door enough for her to see what I was wearing and asked if I was allowed to come out. She just gave me a dirty look and said to ask my aunt. Apparently she didn't know my aunt had told my cousins. She at least came back and tried to make me feel better about coming out, but I still just didn't feel like dealing with other people's reactions. I did leave my door obviously open though. It wasn't open all the way, but I did leave a crack in it. It was mostly to send a message that anyone could come in and talk to me when they wanted to. No one came in though, not after my aunt at least. She came back later to say bye to me, and so did my other aunt, but that's it. None of my cousins came in to so much as say hi. Neither of my grandparents tried to come talk to me. And, my dad never came to see me at all, I think that unnerved me the most. I just stayed in my room most of the day until everyone left. I spent almost a month at Richard's dressing like a girl every day. I can't just come home and go back into guy mode anymore. I can't do it for my own sanity. I know if I try to hide myself now it will make me depressed again. So, I've officially decided to go full time. Fuck what my family thinks, they can support me or not, I don't care. I dressed as a girl in front of my little brothers Tuesday for the first time, which turned out just as I thought it would. They used it as an excuse to make fun of me, even though it was hard to make fun of me by calling me a girl. I don't think they really knew what was going on, and I did only let them see me for brief times. They ran and told my dad as soon as he got here, once again I stayed in my room with the door obviously open. Not once did he even come say hi to me, and didn't even say goodbye to me when he left. I walked out of the door where anyone could see me in the hope that he would stop and talk to me, but it didn't happen. I don't know if he just didn't see me or what. I really hope he's not mad at me for letting my little brothers see. I just can't try to hide this anymore. It's become something more than what I do, it's who I am. I am a girl, and to deny that is to deny myself the happiness that I've found. It's like trying to say I'm not white. It's something that's obvious to everyone around me, and I'd have to be an idiot to claim I'm not. My grandma even had the nerve to ask me if I could not dress like a girl in front of my brothers again today. I just told her, I'm sorry, but I can't do that for my own sanity. I'm not letting myself get pushed around anymore. From now on, if people have a problem with me, they can shut up and deal with it. I'm happy with who I am now, and I'm not letting any damn closed minded people try to tear me down for being myself.

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