It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Full Time

Things have been pretty interesting around here since I got home Sunday. I got here only about half an hour before my whole family was about to show up for lunch. I didn't feel like changing out of my girl clothes and wearing my guy ones, so I didn't. I just sat in my room with the door shut for about half an hour after people got here before anyone so much as came to say hi to me. My grandma came to the door and asked me to come out and see everyone. So, I opened the door enough for her to see what I was wearing and asked if I was allowed to come out. She just gave me a dirty look and said to ask my aunt. Apparently she didn't know my aunt had told my cousins. She at least came back and tried to make me feel better about coming out, but I still just didn't feel like dealing with other people's reactions. I did leave my door obviously open though. It wasn't open all the way, but I did leave a crack in it. It was mostly to send a message that anyone could come in and talk to me when they wanted to. No one came in though, not after my aunt at least. She came back later to say bye to me, and so did my other aunt, but that's it. None of my cousins came in to so much as say hi. Neither of my grandparents tried to come talk to me. And, my dad never came to see me at all, I think that unnerved me the most. I just stayed in my room most of the day until everyone left. I spent almost a month at Richard's dressing like a girl every day. I can't just come home and go back into guy mode anymore. I can't do it for my own sanity. I know if I try to hide myself now it will make me depressed again. So, I've officially decided to go full time. Fuck what my family thinks, they can support me or not, I don't care. I dressed as a girl in front of my little brothers Tuesday for the first time, which turned out just as I thought it would. They used it as an excuse to make fun of me, even though it was hard to make fun of me by calling me a girl. I don't think they really knew what was going on, and I did only let them see me for brief times. They ran and told my dad as soon as he got here, once again I stayed in my room with the door obviously open. Not once did he even come say hi to me, and didn't even say goodbye to me when he left. I walked out of the door where anyone could see me in the hope that he would stop and talk to me, but it didn't happen. I don't know if he just didn't see me or what. I really hope he's not mad at me for letting my little brothers see. I just can't try to hide this anymore. It's become something more than what I do, it's who I am. I am a girl, and to deny that is to deny myself the happiness that I've found. It's like trying to say I'm not white. It's something that's obvious to everyone around me, and I'd have to be an idiot to claim I'm not. My grandma even had the nerve to ask me if I could not dress like a girl in front of my brothers again today. I just told her, I'm sorry, but I can't do that for my own sanity. I'm not letting myself get pushed around anymore. From now on, if people have a problem with me, they can shut up and deal with it. I'm happy with who I am now, and I'm not letting any damn closed minded people try to tear me down for being myself.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Current Goings On

There isn't too much to say that's happened since the last time I wrote. A friend of his came down from Richmond the other day, which turned to be a lot of fun. We spent a couple days hanging out with him, and went to the club the night before he left. He was a pretty fun person to be around, so I really enjoyed myself. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention the one big thing that did happen to me. I lost my virginity. Not something to brag about I know, but for me it was certainly an event to be remembered. I'm glad it was Richard though. It's been kind of hard on me, no pun intended, to adjust to having a sex life. I'll be honest, it hurt like hell the first time and I told him to stop halfway through, but the second time went really well. It' s just so new to me, and I really have to get past the pain right now I guess. That's what is keeping me from doing it too often. It's not that I don't like it, my body just has to adjust to doing it. Despite the pain, I really did enjoy myself the second time. I know he was the right person to do it with though, because I haven't felt any regret over doing it since. I love him, and I'm happy with the decisions I've made with him. I sure couldn't have seen this coming a few years ago, that I would lose my virginity to a guy. Just goes to show how far I've come. The only thing is that it has made me realize even more that I want SRS. I enjoy sex with him, I just don't feel like all the parts are right yet. It's one of those things where it's good, but you feel like it could be better. Another thing that has come up is that I think I may have actually been raped when I was little. I next thing to panicked that first time when I got scared. Even the second time I was forcing myself to try again. I don't know, that's one of those grey areas for me. I can't say yes or no to it, because I just don't remember. I guess only time will tell with that. Things have been alright, I can't really complain too much. So I guess that's about all I have to say right now.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Not Happy

Today went pretty well for the most part, that is until me and Richie were walking down the sidewalk near his house. Some asshole drove by and started yelling stuff at us, the only thing I understood was I hate fags. He yelled fuck you back at them, but it still pisses me off what they did. They didn't even have the courage to say it to our faces, just drive by and yell. Even though I told him to stay calm and that violence wasn't the answer, I wanted to beat the shit out of them just as much. I ignored things myself, but that's the first time that's really happened to me. At least anyone being outright hostile about how they feel about me. What they said doesn't bug me, it's the fact that we live in a society that breeds that way of thinking. It pisses me the fuck off to know there are people out there that hate me for something I can't help. It doesn't make me cry anymore, it just makes my blood boil. I refuse to be discriminated against, I'm a human fucking being dammit, and I deserve to be treated as such. I don't care what anyone's opinion of me is, I'm not hurting anyone by what I'm doing, or who I love. They can tell me I'm going to hell all they want, they won't break my spirit. As much resolve as I had before to bring about change in this world, I've got even more now. They may hate fags, but I hate homophobic assholes. I'm sick of the society we live in. I'm sick of the fucking silent majority, and I'm sick of people not taking a stand against it more. I'm sure I'll get bashed left and right from people in the TG community for saying that, but still, it's what I believe. The gay community has made some pretty big strides in the last few years, isn't it time for ours to do the same? I for one refuse to ever go stealth, no matter what the consequences may be. I'm going to change the world no matter what, that's a promise.