About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Last Appointment

Today kind of sucked, I found out my therapist is moving. I guess I'm either going to have to find another one, or stop going. I'm thinking I'm just going to stop, but part of me really wants to keep seeing someone. I'm not sure if my doctor is going to want me seeing someone or not, so I guess I'm just waiting and seeing what she says. I'm really going to miss her though. With the exception of about 8 or nine months when I turned 18, I've been seeing her for 4 years. It's just scary trying to find someone else to go to after having someone so supportive help me all this time. She's helped me in more ways than I can ever name. I honestly don't think I would be alive right now if it wasn't for seeing her when I did. I've got all of her contact info and stuff, so at least I'll able to get in touch if I need her to vouch for anything for me again. I know I'll need her signature on the right papers to ever get any surgery, so it's pretty important that I keep in touch. On the bright side of things I guess it works out for me actually. Richard and his family want me to move down there at some point, so I have nothing tieing me down here now. I think I'm actually going to move to Virginia Beach first now. It's the opposite direction from where I want to go, but at least I've got support there. I'm just looking at it as a half way point for now. I can move down there for a few years and get started with everything, and once we have the money, move to Richmond. My choices are certainly getting harder by the day, but at the same time it's like more opportunities are coming up with them. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I'm ready for it.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Beauty (poem)

Beauty

there is a beauty within,
that for too long I've kept buried in pain and fear.
I made it ugly with the abuse I dealt it.
my paranoia and self hatred kept it hidden,
so that none could even glimpse it.
however, that beauty is part of me,
and to kill it, would be to kill myself.
I tried just that and failed,
unaware of the struggle that had begun.
the facade I had erected to hide myself
was slowly being eaten away.
the real me was fighting back, at long last.
the beauty refused to die,
and against all odds survived
to see it's prison walls come crumbling down.
that beauty was me, and thankfully is now all of me.
those years of imprisonment have taken their toll upon me,
but now I am free.
battle scarred, but alive and well.
I've learned a most important lesson as well.
I have to stop trying to fit in,
when I am so obviously born to stand out.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Frustration

I haven't been writing as much lately as I would like to. Things have just been kind of rough around here. I finally got to bring my mom in to therapy to talk about our issues last week. That didn't seem to help much actually. She pretty much refused to even consider calling me Sage, or her daughter. It looks like there's nothing more I can do. That really scares me though. I don't want there to be all these issues between me and my mom for the rest of my life. I just wish she could see me who I really am. I can't say I didn't at least learn something about her point of view from that. She says that because she was out of my life for so long, that all of this hit her pretty hard in the middle of trying to get to know me again. I do understand that, and it's part of what makes me feel guilty sometimes. I want her to get to know me, and respect me for who I am, but the me she wants to know doesn't exist anymore. He never really existed, who I was before was nothing but an act. It was my disguise for most of my life, and that's who a lot of people think I really am. I can't deal with her referring to me as that for the rest of my life. I don't want to push her out of my life, and I'll do everything in my power to not let things go that way, but I don't know what's really going to happen. I let some people get by with it now, because I haven't exactly gone completely full time yet. It's just when I do go full time that I worry about. Will people accept me like I am, or hang on to the person I used to be? I won't know that one until it happens, but more than anyone else I want my mom to accept me. She says she does already, but I know she wishes I wasn't doing this. I guess all I can do is give her time and hope for the best, I've tried everything else. The fact that it was that time of the month for me last week probably didn't help my reasoning skills much at all. This time it was like full out PMS or something. I woke up Monday morning, took my meds, and just layed back down and went to sleep for 2 more hours. I didn't feel like doing anything that whole day, I didn't even want to get something to eat until that afternoon. The next day was pretty much the same. I had to really push myself Wednesday morning to get up and get ready for my appointment with my mom. Once I got home it was like it decided to hit with full strength. I slept a bit once I got back, and after I got up a little while later I felt like I was going to pass out. It was like that most of the night. Then a chocolate craving hit, in the middle of that. I was eating chocolate ice cream, and an orange with chocolate syrup on it. Yes, I know I have some odd food choices. Give me a break, my hormones were bouncing off of every imaginary wall in my head they could. The thing that really wows me about all of this is that it always happens on or very near to a new moon. A friend of mine mentioned that women's cycles a lot of times went according to moon phases. I started keeping track of when mine were coming and what moon phase it was, and I was totally stunned. That night that it was so bad, was the night of a new moon. It's almost like it hit it's peak that night or something. Everyday after that for a few days things just kind of tapered off. I guess it only makes sense that if I'm taking female hormones my body thinks it needs to go through the same cycles. It's not what I'd call curse though, more like a late coming. I have said I wished that I could get periods before, I guess I got my wish. Just goes to show that you should be careful what you wish for. I don't utterly hate it though, it's something I can live with, if only for the fact that in a way it confirms to me that I am a woman now. I've always been a woman, I'm just letting everyone see it now.