It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I'm Writing Again

It's been a while, I know. Quite honestly I just haven't felt like writing much lately. There's been a lot of issues between me and Richard also. I think the distance is starting to get to him, and I'm not sure if he can wait as long as he says he can to have sex with me. I wouldn't go through with it for my first time just to keep a relationship going, but that's not to say I haven't considered it. I do love him, very much, but I still refuse to force myself to have sex before I'm ready. Then again, the hormones have brought my sex drive down so low that I'm worried I might be asexual now. I hope it's just fear, but you know me, always worrying. Another thing that's become evident lately is the differences in our morals. Mine are much looser than his, and have already caused a significant clash a few days ago. The possibility of us bringing a 3rd person into the relationship presented itself, and for a while I thought we were both in agreement that we would see where things go. Then, the next night I casually bring up the fact that I had talked about it with a friend of mine and he tells me that he decided he didn't want to do it. Personally I wouldn't mind either way, but it hit me kind of hard. Not so much because he didn't want to do it, but because he had seemed so sure of himself the night before that he was ok with it, and then the next day turned everything around. I won't say I was lied to, because I know I wasn't, but it still felt like it in a way. He has much tighter morals in so many things where mine aren't, that I just worry about it causing too many problems. Also, the way he acted about that makes me wonder if he might do something like that pretty often. I know I must sound paranoid, but it did hurt to have that happen. To know that his mom called me amoral because of it hurt even more. I have morals, but I've distanced myself from every overly conservative one I was taught. I want nothing of normal life, I want my life to be exciting, and different. So far it's been all of that, but I worry that it might stagnate later on. I've been a bit depressed after that too. I've found myself wishing I was still careless with my life as I used to be. It may sound strange, but I think I'm scared to be better. What I wouldn't give to drag a razor blade over my skin right now like I've done so many times before. I want to see myself bleed, because that's the only way I know of to let all the pain out at once. But, I won't do it, I have enough scars now. Cutting will only make more, and I don't want that. Vanity usually isn't supposed to be a good thing, but I guess in my case it can be if it's keeping me from hurting myself. I guess I just wonder why not sometimes though. Why not just do it, and to hell with my looks. That's the kind of mood I'm in now. One where I just want to do something spontaneous and reckless. I think it's more out of frustration with my life than anything. I've reached a point where I feel like I'm beginning to stagnate again. I'm only on hormones, and that's about all I've done towards transition. I need to start doing more. I need hair removal on my face for the most part, but also an orchidectomy. Neither of which will come cheap. I don't know what I'm going to do, I have to find someway to make more money. Which is hard when no one will hire you. Anyway, I think that's about it for now.

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