It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

One Year on Hormones

I'm a day late posting this, but I've officially been on hormones for a year yesterday. I can't believe it's been that long already. What's even more impressive to me is just how I've come in that time. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I'm twice as girly as I was when I first got started. Not to mention they have changed me in a lot of physical ways too. I have A cups now, which actually seem to be growing more lately since I had my dosages increased at the end of April. I amazed myself even with all of this. In the last year I've started hormone therapy, dressed as a girl in front of people and in public for the first time, came out to my whole family, found a doctor to help me with hormones and transition, and found a boyfriend. Those are just the major things, that's not even mentioning all of the smaller events. Like the fact that I go full time, for days, even a week at a time when I go stay with Richard. Or even that I'm included in kind of girls night out things with my 2 best friends now. I'm dressing as a girl pretty much anytime I go out in public now, so I'm practically full time as it is. I'll wear some of my old guy clothes around the house, but only as something to sleep in or because I'm lazy and want to wear something comfortable. I've also gained so much self confidence as well. Sometimes when I hear what I'm saying, or really think about what I'm doing it's like I can't believe it's really me. It may be a bit of a stretch to say this, but I almost feel like I've practically turned my life around in a year. It's not very long in the scheme of things, but it's just been a year what I like to think of as kind of a rebirth. When you get right down to it, I feel like I've had to relearn how to live. So much that it felt like it was going to take me forever to learn comes second nature to me now. I even use my girl voice without thinking about it a lot. I just felt like it was worth looking back on things and writing something about it. It's a pretty big anniversary for me, so it's not a day I can ever forget.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I'm Writing Again

It's been a while, I know. Quite honestly I just haven't felt like writing much lately. There's been a lot of issues between me and Richard also. I think the distance is starting to get to him, and I'm not sure if he can wait as long as he says he can to have sex with me. I wouldn't go through with it for my first time just to keep a relationship going, but that's not to say I haven't considered it. I do love him, very much, but I still refuse to force myself to have sex before I'm ready. Then again, the hormones have brought my sex drive down so low that I'm worried I might be asexual now. I hope it's just fear, but you know me, always worrying. Another thing that's become evident lately is the differences in our morals. Mine are much looser than his, and have already caused a significant clash a few days ago. The possibility of us bringing a 3rd person into the relationship presented itself, and for a while I thought we were both in agreement that we would see where things go. Then, the next night I casually bring up the fact that I had talked about it with a friend of mine and he tells me that he decided he didn't want to do it. Personally I wouldn't mind either way, but it hit me kind of hard. Not so much because he didn't want to do it, but because he had seemed so sure of himself the night before that he was ok with it, and then the next day turned everything around. I won't say I was lied to, because I know I wasn't, but it still felt like it in a way. He has much tighter morals in so many things where mine aren't, that I just worry about it causing too many problems. Also, the way he acted about that makes me wonder if he might do something like that pretty often. I know I must sound paranoid, but it did hurt to have that happen. To know that his mom called me amoral because of it hurt even more. I have morals, but I've distanced myself from every overly conservative one I was taught. I want nothing of normal life, I want my life to be exciting, and different. So far it's been all of that, but I worry that it might stagnate later on. I've been a bit depressed after that too. I've found myself wishing I was still careless with my life as I used to be. It may sound strange, but I think I'm scared to be better. What I wouldn't give to drag a razor blade over my skin right now like I've done so many times before. I want to see myself bleed, because that's the only way I know of to let all the pain out at once. But, I won't do it, I have enough scars now. Cutting will only make more, and I don't want that. Vanity usually isn't supposed to be a good thing, but I guess in my case it can be if it's keeping me from hurting myself. I guess I just wonder why not sometimes though. Why not just do it, and to hell with my looks. That's the kind of mood I'm in now. One where I just want to do something spontaneous and reckless. I think it's more out of frustration with my life than anything. I've reached a point where I feel like I'm beginning to stagnate again. I'm only on hormones, and that's about all I've done towards transition. I need to start doing more. I need hair removal on my face for the most part, but also an orchidectomy. Neither of which will come cheap. I don't know what I'm going to do, I have to find someway to make more money. Which is hard when no one will hire you. Anyway, I think that's about it for now.