It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Huge News

Oh my god, have I got a lot to write about this time. I just got home yesterday after spending 3 days with my boyfriend. Yes, that's right, I have a boyfriend now. It's the guy I was talking about in my last entry. He was trying to get me there to spend a few days with him, and on Saturday he called and told me that he had ride for me right then. So I decided to give things a chance and I went. He's so sweet and nice, I told him I could sleep on the couch but he wouldn't let me and gave up his bed for me. Since he lives at home still I got to meet his parents too. His mom I know likes me, she was really nice to me the whole time I was there. His step dad I don't guess really understands everything, but he seemed to be pretty accepting of me. It definitely wasn't a bad experience, it was different than what I'm used to here at home, but in a good way. We didn't really go as far as making out, but we cuddled, held hands, and kissed each other a lot. I'll admit I'm taking things slowly because this is pretty new to me. I've only ever had relationships with girls in the past, so it's different being on the other end of things for a change. I like it though, it's a different feeling, but it's one that I feel more comfortable with. I loved being there with him. He took me for a walk the night I got there, and never let me pay for anything, even when I offered to. It's funny how I wasn't really trying to find anyone, and then when I meet him everything just goes so right and we end up together. It's all happened so fast that sometimes I hope I'm not moving too fast with things. Everything was just absolutely perfect, but I guess the only big issue we ran into was me. Emotionally and physically I'm attracted to him, but the whole issue of me having guy parts came up. I know with any serious relationship sex is going to come up sooner or later. It's not that I wouldn't want to with him after a while, it's just that at this point, I really don't feel comfortable doing that as I am. To put it very plainly and bluntly, I can't stand getting an erection. It's not like I don't want to be aroused, I just don't want an erection when it happens. Sure there's every argument in the world saying I can still feel like a girl with a penis, but I guess it's just really hard to ignore it at that point. When it happens to me I'm not thinking that I like it and it feels good, I'm just thinking make it stop. I try to ignore it, I suppose, I just have to work a little more at being comfortable with my own body. But, to tell the truth, I'm just utterly disgusted with that part of my body. It doesn't feel right at all for me to have and I just want it gone. I really care about him, and I hope things last with us, but the last few days have without a doubt proved I want to go through with surgery some day. Things are definitely looking up for me though. We're both happy together, and I hope what we have will last. He says he understands my feelings about everything, and says that he can wait for sex until I feel comfortable enough for it. I guess it's going to take some work on both of our parts to make things happen, but I have hope for it.

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