It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Coming Out... Again

It seems like things are beginning to get back to the old chaotic ways as of lately. Apparently my grandparents decided they were going to tell everyone where I had gone while I was with Richie. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but my dad had actually called me on the way home Tuesday. I was too scared to pick up and talk to him though, so it looks like that just made him worry about me. He called my mom at work Wednesday morning asking if she knew anything about what I was doing, and since I hadn't spoken with her in like 2 months, she had no clue what he was talking about. Then she got worried and called me that afternoon to tell me what was going on. It shocked the hell out of me that she actually called me for once, although, I know the only reason she called was because of my dad. If he hadn't talked to her she still wouldn't have called me now. But, the good thing about that is, it got me and my mom talking again. She's still too stubborn to accept things about me. I finally got her to admit that she though that I wasn't serious about things before. The only reason she feels like giving me for not calling me her daughter or by the name I want is, that she can't. So, that's all I get from her, excuses. I know I was slow to make things happen, but I feel like I gave her ample time to come to terms with everything. There's no way I could have made it more obvious to her that I'm serious about all of this. Not only did I tell her how I felt and what I wanted to do, but I started myself on the hormones, went to get a doctors help, go out in public as a girl, etc... That's just outright denial of the truth if all of that is in front of her face and she can't see that I'm serious. I told her if she can't respect me then I can't respect her. So it looks like my mom just wants to create a bad relationship between us now. As much as I hate to say it, maybe my grandparents were right about her in some aspects. She's so dead set on me having my own life, that she's pushing me out of hers. If that's the way she wants it, then that's the way I can make it. She asked me if I wanted to come see her for mothers day next month, and I told her unless she was going to do what I asked, then no. I'm not taking that kind of deliberate disrespect from anyone else, so I'm sure as hell not taking it from her. I'm hopeful that she'll come around though, maybe my aunt can talk some sense into her. She at least was ok with me having a boyfriend, so I guess not everything is a total loss with her. So, now I also have to explain everything to my dad. I'm planning on just asking to talk to him alone tomorrow, and then spilling it all. I'm so sick of hiding myself from him, he has to know about me some time. I also ended up telling my grandparents I have a boyfriend now. Not surprisingly the first thing they asked me was if I'm gay now. I told them no, but I don't think they're convinced. Anyway, that's what's been going on, a whole lot of stress. I guess it's time to make another step forward, I just hope I'm ready.

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