It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Lot For Only 2 Weeks

Well, it's been a while since I wrote hasn't it? I suppose I should give an update on things then. I went to see Richard again on the 19th. I actually ended up staying 4 days this time, but things definitely went a bit further than before. We got to the point of making out now, so, I'm a bit more comfortable with myself now. We had a lot of fun together. He took me to this pagan gathering, which was very fun. I think that's the most like minded people I've ever been around at once. I got to meet a lot of new people, so it was definitely worth going. I won't go too far into the physical side of things with us. Some of that should stay private. I did some work for my aunt the same day I got home. His friend couldn't take me until after midnight, so I didn't get back until 3 in the morning. Then I got up at 7 to go help my granddad paint my aunts garage, so that was a rough day to say the least. It sucked even more because, I found out that my estrogen still hadn't come in the mail yet. I was down to 5 days worth left at that point and was getting worried. It still hadn't come by Saturday, so I decided if it wasn't there Monday I was going to call the clinic and try to come in and get a prescription. My friend was able to take me, and on Monday it still wasn't here, so I called the clinic that morning and said I was coming in to talk to my doctor. Then when my grandparents got home from whatever they were doing that day, I mentioned something about my meds not being in the mail. They tell me it had been in the post office since Saturday, and no one had bothered to tell me, even though I had mentioned it Thursday that I was waiting for them. So needless to say, that pissed me off pretty well. I knew as soon as I called and set up an appointment it was going to come. I decided to just go anyway, my grandparents can't stop me from getting prescriptions. So, my friend took me there yesterday, and I explained things to my doctor. To my surprise, she not only wrote me a prescription, but she increased my estrogen to 3 mg a day. So, I'm pretty happy about that. She said that since my blood pressure looked good last time, she might as well increase it like she said she was going to when it went down. I also stopped by Walgreen's while I was there and found out I can get my meds cheaper there than Walmart. So I'm going to Williamsburg Saturday to get my prescription filled at the one there. There's so much to write about that I hope I don't make this too long. On another note, my grandparents decided to give me a hard time about all of this the last few days. Nothing unusual, they told me what I'm doing is sick, and that I should dress like a boy and get a job. I told them that their attitude towards me was sick, and that I'll never dress like a guy because it's not what I want to be. I can see I need to get out of this house as soon as possible. This is why I love going to Richie's house, I can dress the way I want while I'm there, and no one gives me trouble about it. Oh well, it's not like I wasn't expecting this to bring me more trouble. I just have to suck it up and keep going, I'll never make this happen if I let people like my grandparents get to me. Let the world think what it wants of me, in the end how I see myself is all the matters. I'm happy with myself, and I won't let anyone take that from me.

Monday, April 14, 2008

A Good Outcome

I finally have some time to sit down and write about yesterday. Well, I finally told my dad about being TG, and things actually went very well. Better than I could have imagined in fact. He told me that I had to do what makes me happy whether he understands or agrees with it. So, that was like wow! We talked about things for a little bit, and I even told him that I have a boyfriend, and he was accepting of that as well. He said that he realized he hadn't really been the best father to me, and that he doesn't know how exactly he could help me, but that he's there for me to talk to when I want. So, I'm happy, he hugged me and said that he doesn't think of my any differently. Things couldn't have gone much better to be honest. That's a load off my mind now, although, I forgot to bring up telling my little brothers. They're going to be the next big step in coming out. I really want them to know so I don't have to hide it from them, but I also don't want to upset them in any way with it. I suppose, for once, I actually have to try to give a simplified explanation to someone about being TG. So, that's giving me a bit of trouble. It's a bit difficult to break down something as complex as gender identity to 6 and 7 year old kids. I don't doubt my ability to do it, I just want to do it in a way that helps them understand what's going on with me. But, I guess that's for another day. I'm definitely going to ask my dad if he wants me to before I tell them, so I guess we get to have another talk soon. I guess, that's about the extent of what's going on in my life right now. Some things better than others, but still, on a whole it's not too bad.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Coming Out... Again

It seems like things are beginning to get back to the old chaotic ways as of lately. Apparently my grandparents decided they were going to tell everyone where I had gone while I was with Richie. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but my dad had actually called me on the way home Tuesday. I was too scared to pick up and talk to him though, so it looks like that just made him worry about me. He called my mom at work Wednesday morning asking if she knew anything about what I was doing, and since I hadn't spoken with her in like 2 months, she had no clue what he was talking about. Then she got worried and called me that afternoon to tell me what was going on. It shocked the hell out of me that she actually called me for once, although, I know the only reason she called was because of my dad. If he hadn't talked to her she still wouldn't have called me now. But, the good thing about that is, it got me and my mom talking again. She's still too stubborn to accept things about me. I finally got her to admit that she though that I wasn't serious about things before. The only reason she feels like giving me for not calling me her daughter or by the name I want is, that she can't. So, that's all I get from her, excuses. I know I was slow to make things happen, but I feel like I gave her ample time to come to terms with everything. There's no way I could have made it more obvious to her that I'm serious about all of this. Not only did I tell her how I felt and what I wanted to do, but I started myself on the hormones, went to get a doctors help, go out in public as a girl, etc... That's just outright denial of the truth if all of that is in front of her face and she can't see that I'm serious. I told her if she can't respect me then I can't respect her. So it looks like my mom just wants to create a bad relationship between us now. As much as I hate to say it, maybe my grandparents were right about her in some aspects. She's so dead set on me having my own life, that she's pushing me out of hers. If that's the way she wants it, then that's the way I can make it. She asked me if I wanted to come see her for mothers day next month, and I told her unless she was going to do what I asked, then no. I'm not taking that kind of deliberate disrespect from anyone else, so I'm sure as hell not taking it from her. I'm hopeful that she'll come around though, maybe my aunt can talk some sense into her. She at least was ok with me having a boyfriend, so I guess not everything is a total loss with her. So, now I also have to explain everything to my dad. I'm planning on just asking to talk to him alone tomorrow, and then spilling it all. I'm so sick of hiding myself from him, he has to know about me some time. I also ended up telling my grandparents I have a boyfriend now. Not surprisingly the first thing they asked me was if I'm gay now. I told them no, but I don't think they're convinced. Anyway, that's what's been going on, a whole lot of stress. I guess it's time to make another step forward, I just hope I'm ready.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Huge News

Oh my god, have I got a lot to write about this time. I just got home yesterday after spending 3 days with my boyfriend. Yes, that's right, I have a boyfriend now. It's the guy I was talking about in my last entry. He was trying to get me there to spend a few days with him, and on Saturday he called and told me that he had ride for me right then. So I decided to give things a chance and I went. He's so sweet and nice, I told him I could sleep on the couch but he wouldn't let me and gave up his bed for me. Since he lives at home still I got to meet his parents too. His mom I know likes me, she was really nice to me the whole time I was there. His step dad I don't guess really understands everything, but he seemed to be pretty accepting of me. It definitely wasn't a bad experience, it was different than what I'm used to here at home, but in a good way. We didn't really go as far as making out, but we cuddled, held hands, and kissed each other a lot. I'll admit I'm taking things slowly because this is pretty new to me. I've only ever had relationships with girls in the past, so it's different being on the other end of things for a change. I like it though, it's a different feeling, but it's one that I feel more comfortable with. I loved being there with him. He took me for a walk the night I got there, and never let me pay for anything, even when I offered to. It's funny how I wasn't really trying to find anyone, and then when I meet him everything just goes so right and we end up together. It's all happened so fast that sometimes I hope I'm not moving too fast with things. Everything was just absolutely perfect, but I guess the only big issue we ran into was me. Emotionally and physically I'm attracted to him, but the whole issue of me having guy parts came up. I know with any serious relationship sex is going to come up sooner or later. It's not that I wouldn't want to with him after a while, it's just that at this point, I really don't feel comfortable doing that as I am. To put it very plainly and bluntly, I can't stand getting an erection. It's not like I don't want to be aroused, I just don't want an erection when it happens. Sure there's every argument in the world saying I can still feel like a girl with a penis, but I guess it's just really hard to ignore it at that point. When it happens to me I'm not thinking that I like it and it feels good, I'm just thinking make it stop. I try to ignore it, I suppose, I just have to work a little more at being comfortable with my own body. But, to tell the truth, I'm just utterly disgusted with that part of my body. It doesn't feel right at all for me to have and I just want it gone. I really care about him, and I hope things last with us, but the last few days have without a doubt proved I want to go through with surgery some day. Things are definitely looking up for me though. We're both happy together, and I hope what we have will last. He says he understands my feelings about everything, and says that he can wait for sex until I feel comfortable enough for it. I guess it's going to take some work on both of our parts to make things happen, but I have hope for it.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

A Good Week

Well it seems like I actually have some good stuff to write about this time. I went to my doctor yesterday, and my blood pressure was down to 112/78, so I don't go back until July 1st. I've finally got my blood pressure under control. I did practically have a nervous breakdown the day before though. I kept texting my friend who was supposed to take me to make sure he still could, and finally he answered back and said that his boss wanted him to work. Luckily my friend that had been taking me originally wasn't working and was able to take me. Since my appointment finished up early we decided to do a little shopping before we came home. She got me a new pair of pants and a coat, so I was happy. I got to wear them to my therapy appointment today, so I'm satisfied with them. I still haven't resolved my medicine issues completely, but I've heard some good things about Walgreens, so I'm thinking of checking into things there. Aparently they have gender dysphoria in their anti discrimination policy, so once I'm in Richmond, it might possibly be a place that would hire me. Also, on a more personal note, I met a guy the other day that likes me. He's a good ways away, but not too far that I couldn't go see him. He actually offered to come here and bring me back with him, so he's really nice. The best thing of all though, is he's a crossdresser. It's not exactly the same as me, but he does understand a lot of what I'm going through, and he's pretty close to my age. So, things look like they may go pretty well with him. We've agreed to take things slow since I want to get to know him better right now. I can definately say I've got a crush though, he's like the sweetest guy I know. We've got a lot in common, and we both like each other, so I may end up in my first relationship with a guy in the near future. I'm a little cautious about things, but I feel pretty comfortable with him. Anyway, I think that's a good highlight of things lately. They could be better, but they're also definately not bad. So, I guess things are looking up for me again. I hope they just stay that way this time.