It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Lost A Friend

Well I think I finally have some time to myself to sit down and write again. There's a few new things to talk about this time. I think I can safely say I've lost one of my friends now over this. She was home from college Friday so I asked her to come over and hang out for a while. She agreed to things, and then the night before she tells me that she can't come in my room if she hangs out with me. Apparently that's the "rule" at college, because I'm a guy. It really pissed me off that she called me a guy, but even more so because she was telling me it was the reason she can't come in my room. I tried to convince her to come anyway, but nothing I said worked. She tried to claim that I have no right to consider myself a woman, because "god made me a guy". I ended up telling her off. I told her if she was going to be that way about things, not to bother coming over, and that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I suppose, that's the product of a Christian college. She was fine with me before going there, now it's like she's been brainwashed. But, I won't get into discussion about religion at the moment. Even though it's been a couple days it still burns me up to think about. How dare she tell me that I have no right to be a woman! My body may be a work in progress, but I'm just as much a woman as anyone born that way. I don't give a damn about DNA, I know what I am. It hurts me when I have to do it, and I wish I didn't have to, but I have to rid myself of unsupportive people. My family, I can't help but be around, but friends I can. She's no friend of mine if she constantly tells me I'm going to fail at this, or refuses to see me a girl. I don't need that in my life, I give myself enough grief as it is. I don't need that of anyone else added to it. I have to be my own activist, I guess, if I want anyone to treat me right. The hard work and determination I put into making this happen give me all the right in the world to call myself a woman, and to expect others to do the same. I've worked to make everything I've done happen. Yes, my friends have helped me out a lot, but most of the time I have to help myself if I want anything to get done. I'm tired of letting the rest of the world have it's way with me and saying nothing in opposition. I will not allow people to treat me badly for something I can't help. Try walking a mile in my shoes before you judge my life or my actions. I don't have to justify myself to anyone, I'm not ashamed of what I am. I am a transsexual woman, and I'm proud of what I've done with my life so far. I refuse to let anyone demean me for it, because unlike most people, I've worked hard to earn my right to call myself whatever gender I want.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


Well I've had a few days since my little incident Thursday to clear my head a bit. I've come up with a few solutions so far. First of all, I'm going to use the rest of my 100mg spiro pills that I got offline. I'm going to take one of them a day with one of the 50mg pills they charged me so damn much for. That way I can make them both last longer. It's at least enough to last me 2-3 months at the dosage I'm on now. My only worry is that I'm mixing name brand and generic spiro. They're supposed to be the same thing, but I guess you never know what you can really trust. It's a risk I wouldn't normally take without talking to my doctor first, but drastic times call for drastic measures, I suppose. It's a risk I'm willing to take, I know if I go off them suddenly I go into withdrawal. More importantly it would be like throwing 9 months of work away. So that's my short term solution. Long term, I'm going to have to talk with my doctor about getting into some program that helps people who can't afford their meds. I saw some posters on the walls at the clinic when I was there last about something like that, so I'll have to see what she suggests. If she can't help me find a way to get them at a better cost, I'm going to have to go back to buying online. It won't be very dramatically less than what I'm paying now, but anything helps I guess. To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind right now. Ever since Thursday I've randomly been breaking down and crying. If it was anything else, it might not bother me this much, but it's my hormones that are being threatened. In my mind, they're what's keeping me alive right now. I can't physically, or mentally afford to stop HRT right now. I'd go crazy if my body reverted back to how it was. I can't live as a guy. I'm trying my best to overcome this obstacle, and I swear I will not quit. Transition or die trying! I actually feel like I'm dying right now. I've got a sore throat that started up last night, and now a headache, which I'm worried means I've got a fever. I do a feel kind of hot. I don't know, I'm loading up on all the oranges and green tea I can today. I'm scared to mix any OTC meds with my hormones, so I'm just going to have to ride it out I guess. Anyway, that's all, I can't write anymore. I think I'm going to go lay down.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Pissed the Fuck Off!

Ok the good times have officially ended. I went to get my prescriptions refilled today at walmart and they charged me $61.47. It was only $16 last time, it's supposed to be $4 per every 30 pills. I asked why the hell it went it up by so much, and apparently I've got 90 days worth of my t blocker. Who the hell only takes 50mg of aldactone at a time?! And the bastards only carry 50 mg pills, and I'm on 150mg. Even if they charged me double what the cost was for it last time it still wouldn't come out to that much. My god I could kill somebody right now. I even told them, no, I don't have insurance, and they still charged me that much. The hell if I'm going to pay that much every month for my t blockers alone. Well I guess now is the time to go out and get a full time job. At the rate things are going now, my part time stuff I'm doing just isn't going to make me enough. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do about this, I don't even have a prescription for estrogen yet, I'm still using what I got online. That's another 90 pills there if I get put on 3mg like my doctor wants. I may go back to buying online, I'm going to have to crunch some figures and try to see which way is going to cost me less. Yeah, I feel very exploited right now. I better talk to my doctor about this next time, I saw flyers on the wall about getting cheap prescriptions with some program. I don't know though, I just have a lot to figure out right now. It's not like I've got much much of a choice, either pay for the meds or don't get any. So I'd better get a job and work as much as I possibly can. I'm just really pissed off right now, I can't believe they're taking advantage of me like that when they claim to have cheap prescriptions. There's nothing cheap about paying over 60 bucks for a one months supply of meds. So much for walmart's claim to helping the uninsured, more like exploiting them if they're prescription has more than 30 pills per month. Just goes to show how much people care I guess. I mean yeah, my situation is a bit different than a lot of peoples. But still, there's got to be a lot of people out there, on meds who need to take more than 30 pills of one prescription per month. So I think I'm hardly alone in this. Oh well, I'm done writing. I'm off to either get a job or commit a crime, I'm swinging towards the job, but we'll see.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Just Thinking

I've been helping a few people lately who are just getting started with everything. I'm an administrator on a TG message board on vampire freaks, so I've got a bit of responsibility to answer questions, I suppose. It's been pretty rewarding actually, I guess I see a lot of myself in the people who come on there in search of answers to their gender issues. It's put a little strain on me to answer them, I've spent hours trying to think of the best responses to questions sometimes. As much extra stress as it puts on me, I feel like it's a good stress. It makes me look back on my own experiences, and in a way puts everything into perspective for me. It also gives me a feeling of accomplishment, like I'm now at the point where I can offer help, on some level, to people who are where I was with this only a year ago. It's hard, and heartbreaking at times, to give some of the advice I do. As much as I would like to be a TG therapist or counselor someday, it's not an easy thing to do. I may not personally know anyone that I've given advice to, but I guess I feel like I have the responsibility to give them the best advice I possibly can. I know when I started looking for the same thing before, that I looked up to the people who gave me advice. I knew that there was plenty of stuff to read out there. However, at the same time I realized talking to people was the best way to go. It always seems like you get more from talking to someone than reading about everything. What I realize is that I'm quite possibly the only TG person any of these people have ever talked to. From my own experience, I know that what I say is going to be a big influence on them. I still look up to my friend that helped me out with advice when I first got started. It hasn't discouraged me yet, but, I suppose, it makes me think twice about my answers to serious questions. I would still like to go into counseling, but I guess now it's all a matter of what I'm qualified to do.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Good Times

I would have wrote about this last night, but I was too exhausted when I got home to do much. So cutting to the chase, everything went pretty well at the clinic. My blood pressure was down to normal, my heart rate was up a bit though. Actually let me give the story leading up to all of this first. I finally figure out a couple weeks ago why my blood pressure was up. I wasn't paying close enough attention to how much sodium was in what I was eating every day as I should have been. When I started checking the backs of things I was thinking it's no wonder it was up. So, I drastically changed my diet to help with that. Also, my grandparents have one of those digital blood pressure things, so I used that to keep track of it. It's actually dropped down so much I was worried that it was too low. It was up to 120/80 when my doctor checked it, but it had gone as low as 90/59 when I checked it at home. I made sure to tell her that, so for now she wants me to keep taking the meds like I'm doing, and to keep track of my pressure and also my heart rate. Apparently it was up while I was there, so I'm going to keep track of all of that for the next month until I go back. I know the reason it was up, I always get a bit nervous in a doctors office, plus I had to pee like crazy and I was trying to hold it until my appointment was over. You wouldn't believe how scared I am to attempt to use a public restroom while I'm out dressed as a girl. Luckily the clinic had one, so no problems there. So, as of now, I just keep taking everything that I am at the same dosages and come back in a month to get my pressure checked. It's progress, small but not insignificant. Things are actually looking up for me a bit now. My grandparents have eased off their criticism, so it's been fairly calm around the house lately. It's like an uneasy acceptance, I suppose. I can tell they still don't think much of what I'm doing, but at least they're not putting me down for it at the moment. I'm happy with where things are headed right now. Times could be better, and they also could be worse, so I'm just enjoying a good time while it lasts. I know sooner or later life is going to get shitty again, so I might as well take the good times for all they're worth.