It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

What A Day

Today started off shitty, got even worse, and then got better, and yet I'm not happy. I got a call from the clinic at like 9 in the morning to tell me that I had to come there on the 19th for that mandatory class I have to take. Apparently if I don't go I don't get anymore help from the doctor. So I was freaking out over that all day. Then I called my mom to try and talk to her about everything that was said before. I actually got her this time, and things really took a turn for the worst. She's being stubborn as hell about giving me the respect that I'm asking for. I ended up telling her not to bother asking me to do anything with her anymore, and said to call me when she felt like talking to me the way I want. When she had to go and said that she loved me, I just said bye and hung up. So yeah, I feel like a real jerk after that, horrible actually. I just feel like I have to remove the people from my life who are unsupportive of me. I called my friend up after that and actually found out that her boyfriend has every Tuesday off from work and is willing to take me, so I guess everything came out alright with that. It's just things with my mom that are bringing me down. I should be happy after everything I've done lately, but having to push my mom out of my life over this just makes me feel horrible. I can't believe I did it, and I'm starting to wonder if I should. I don't know, this hurts like hell, but I still think it's for the best. The people who can only criticize me will do nothing but hurt me in the long run, so I know I have to get them out of my life before they do too much damage. I'm hoping she comes around soon, but I'm not counting on it. This is one of the worst parts about doing all this, I'm losing an old life, but I guess I can say I'm gaining a new one too. Oh yeah, here's a poem I wrote last night, I guess it speaks for itself about how much progress I've made.

No Time to Die

I don't have any time to die right now.
I'm too busy putting this new life together.
I'm tearing the old one down,and using the pieces to begin the new.
it hurts like hell, but the fear within me was a cancer,
and it had to be removed.
my old life was on the road to self destruction.
this time I'm setting the right course, and I'm sticking to it.
I used to spend my days thinking of ways to die,
but lately, all I can think of are ways to live.
I'm not the same person I used to be.
there's so much more to me than there ever has been before.
the foundation is layed for this new life of mine,
and this time it's not falling apart.
I'm building it up, bit by bit, it will all come with time.
for now I just have to survive, I'll worry about dying later.

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