About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Reflecting

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about just how much I've done in the last few years. I suppose I should say how much progress I have made in my life though. This time two years ago, I would have never had the slightest idea that I would be doing anything I am now. Looking back I sometimes wonder what stood in my way for so long. I spent at least two years of my life prior to discovering that I'm TG on what I consider a real downward spiral. I had no direction to my life what so ever. Now, not even a year after getting on hormones, I feel like I have a real future ahead of me. Sure it's not the best one in the world, but compared to death, it's a real improvement. As much as I try to say that the meds I'm on haven't changed me, even I have to take notice of how much I've changed when I step back and really take a look at my life. I don't depend so much on other people for happiness the way I used to. Before I thought happiness would come from being with the right person, now I realize that I have to be happy with myself before I can be with anyone else. It's been about 8 months of nothing but redefining and learning to like myself. I say redefine because, who I was those few months ago, and who I am now are different in so many ways. In a way, I guess you can say that all of the pain and misery I've been through dealing with all of this, have made me a stronger person. Every day is something new, and this whole process has been the biggest learning experience of my life. Nothing it seems brings out the worst, or the best in people around you like this. I've learned who my real friends are, and said goodbye to some that I'm better off without. I'm taking risks I never dreamed I would take to make something happen. One might say that I've learned to appreciate life more, because I know what I'm doing could possibly kill me if anything goes wrong. Could it be that the thrill is what keeps me going? That thrill of going out in public and wondering if people think I'm a girl or not, or maybe just the feeling of attention when someone does realize what I am. Ah, yes, I'm sure that is one reason. I can't say for certain what exactly keeps me going with this though, so many reasons I'm sure I could never name them all. The thrill is right up there near the top of the list though. I'm pushing the boundaries of normal living in a way most people would never dream of doing with their own lives. I'm questioning things so basic about myself, that it rocks the very foundations of who I am. What normal person ever feels so strongly that they were born in the wrong body, that they're willing to possibly die in order to change it to fit them self? Talk about making a change in your life, I believe it's safe to say this change goes way beyond normal. There is nothing normal about what I'm doing. Define normal you say? Well maybe to you and me it's normal, but to your average person who has never met anyone like me, it isn't normal. It's anything but, and there are people out there who will love me or hate me for it. That's a fact of life I've learned in the most brutally honest ways possible. My life has never been destined to be normal, I suppose, but who the hell wants to be normal? As much of a challenge as my life is now, I welcome it. I vowed to transition or die trying, and I refuse to do anything but. I've made my first real lifetime commitment by doing this, and I have no one to let down but myself. That I can say without a doubt is what reminds me every day not to give up. I'm not forcing myself to do this, I'm begging myself to do it, to save my own life. I want to live, that's why I'm doing this, my number one reason for wanting to be a girl is to live, and not die by my own hand. For the first time in my life I want to live. I'm not fixated on how my life will end, but instead I'm making a new one for myself. I've recycled those old parts of myself worth keeping, and added new to them and created someone capable of living in this world. If that isn't proof enough of how much I have changed, I don't know what is. I'm not boasting of my changes, nor am I berating them. I suppose, I'm only writing this as a way to reflect on them. A small manifesto, if you will, of the changes in my life for the past year or so. It's not meant to say anything to anyone, yet it still says a lot. Take from it what you will, if anything at all, criticize me even, because I have no regrets for what I've done. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I'm looking forward to more.

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