It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A New Streak of Luck

Well I've got some good news for today, I finally got a call back yesterday morning from the clinic and I've got a new appointment. My friend's boyfriend said he could take me, so it looks like I get another chance. I'm happy, in fact I was down right hyper all day, but I suppose now I'm coming down from that high. The big picture is coming back into view and making me think more realistically again. That still is that after this appointment I have no clue when I'll be able to make it back again. I'm hoping maybe I can bring it up with my aunt and maybe I'll get lucky and get a little sympathy from her. I don't know, I should be happier, but it's hard to feel that way when the threat is always there that everything I'm working toward could just collapse and fall apart at any time. I'll admit that getting hormones is my reason for wanting to live right now. My whole life's goal at this point is to go through transition successfully. Doesn't leave much to what happens after, but I guess I'll just deal with that when it comes. Something my friend said to me the other day really got me thinking. She told me that she thought I was brave for going through all of this. Honestly I'd like to believe that, but I just can't see myself as brave for doing this. Sure, it's scary at times and I haven't even gotten to the parts of it that scare me the most, but what other choice do I have? Live the rest of my life miserably, or die. Not much of a choice is it? It's like escaping from a burning building, you're in fear for your life and you just do it because you want to live. Well that's why I'm doing this. I'm truly in fear for my life if I don't, because I know what's happened before, and I know it can happen again if I let it. I'm not brave, not at all, I'm just in survival mode. Sure, it takes a lot courage to keep going sometimes, but what else can I do? I'm not turning back now, it's all or nothing as far as I'm concerned. I can keep going or die, those are my options. I vowed to transition or die trying, and I intend to make it happen either way. Sound harsh to you? Well, that's because it is, but no one ever said it was going to be easy.

1 comment:

Willow said...

Yay for you, I'm in a similar situation. I live in a small university town across the border from the Twin Cities and have only managed 2 appointments in the last year. Definately hang in there.:)