It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

A Daring Act

Looks like I've got some more news already. I guess I have to say yesterday since it's way after midnight, but anyway. Yesterday I had a therapy appointment, and on a whim I just decided that I should prove to her that I'm serious about all this. So I actually went dressed as a girl, without any friends with me, and right in front of my grandparents who took me. I was thinking about doing it the night before, since I've actually started to like going out as a girl. I got up this morning and just thought why not? I waited until the last minute before we left to walk out in front of my grandparents, I just asked them if they wanted to be seen in public with me. My grandma went off on not liking how I dress in the first place, and not wanting to be seen in public with me. I just didn't say a word and walked out and got into the car. Then on the way she keeps on going about I'm not a girl and whatever, it kind of faded off when I turned up the volume on my headphones to drown her out. Everything went just fine in therapy, I actually don't think she was surprised to see me there dressed up. After that was over we went by Wal Mart, and I got a second, even bigger taste of being alone in public as a girl. I needed some more wax strips, and a few other things, and I made it through checking out just fine. I was very nervous the whole time, but I kind of settled in after a while. Talking to the cashier was a little nerve raking, but luckily I've been practicing my girl voice a bit. I wasn't exactly in good voice today, but I guess at least I gave it a try. This is just another one of those big steps I guess you'd say. Until today I hadn't been out in public as a girl without at least one of my friends with me for support. I guess in a way today was like a solo if you want to call it that. I did this on my own, and I'll admit I'm proud of myself for it. If someone had told me 5 years ago I'd be doing this right now, I'd have thought they were crazy. I've always been one to take chances in order to get something, but this is definitely the biggest I've ever taken. I went out on my own, and on top of that I stood up to my family and proved that I was the bigger person by not yelling back this time. I let them say what they wanted and then I just silently defied them. I'll never be accepted by them, that much I've already accepted myself. Now it's all coming down to wether or not I'm going to let them slow me down and make me embarrassed. I can't please everyone, and I'm sure as hell not going to try. I have only myself to answer to and to please, and so far I'm happy with what I've done. I'm taking the biggest risk in my life so far, and it's paying off, bigger than any other risk I've taken. Miracles won't happen I know, but for the first time in my life I'm happy with where my life is headed. I've gained confidence in myself, more and more independence, and most importantly, I've found myself. This who and what I am, and I refuse to change for anyone.

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