About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Reflecting

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about just how much I've done in the last few years. I suppose I should say how much progress I have made in my life though. This time two years ago, I would have never had the slightest idea that I would be doing anything I am now. Looking back I sometimes wonder what stood in my way for so long. I spent at least two years of my life prior to discovering that I'm TG on what I consider a real downward spiral. I had no direction to my life what so ever. Now, not even a year after getting on hormones, I feel like I have a real future ahead of me. Sure it's not the best one in the world, but compared to death, it's a real improvement. As much as I try to say that the meds I'm on haven't changed me, even I have to take notice of how much I've changed when I step back and really take a look at my life. I don't depend so much on other people for happiness the way I used to. Before I thought happiness would come from being with the right person, now I realize that I have to be happy with myself before I can be with anyone else. It's been about 8 months of nothing but redefining and learning to like myself. I say redefine because, who I was those few months ago, and who I am now are different in so many ways. In a way, I guess you can say that all of the pain and misery I've been through dealing with all of this, have made me a stronger person. Every day is something new, and this whole process has been the biggest learning experience of my life. Nothing it seems brings out the worst, or the best in people around you like this. I've learned who my real friends are, and said goodbye to some that I'm better off without. I'm taking risks I never dreamed I would take to make something happen. One might say that I've learned to appreciate life more, because I know what I'm doing could possibly kill me if anything goes wrong. Could it be that the thrill is what keeps me going? That thrill of going out in public and wondering if people think I'm a girl or not, or maybe just the feeling of attention when someone does realize what I am. Ah, yes, I'm sure that is one reason. I can't say for certain what exactly keeps me going with this though, so many reasons I'm sure I could never name them all. The thrill is right up there near the top of the list though. I'm pushing the boundaries of normal living in a way most people would never dream of doing with their own lives. I'm questioning things so basic about myself, that it rocks the very foundations of who I am. What normal person ever feels so strongly that they were born in the wrong body, that they're willing to possibly die in order to change it to fit them self? Talk about making a change in your life, I believe it's safe to say this change goes way beyond normal. There is nothing normal about what I'm doing. Define normal you say? Well maybe to you and me it's normal, but to your average person who has never met anyone like me, it isn't normal. It's anything but, and there are people out there who will love me or hate me for it. That's a fact of life I've learned in the most brutally honest ways possible. My life has never been destined to be normal, I suppose, but who the hell wants to be normal? As much of a challenge as my life is now, I welcome it. I vowed to transition or die trying, and I refuse to do anything but. I've made my first real lifetime commitment by doing this, and I have no one to let down but myself. That I can say without a doubt is what reminds me every day not to give up. I'm not forcing myself to do this, I'm begging myself to do it, to save my own life. I want to live, that's why I'm doing this, my number one reason for wanting to be a girl is to live, and not die by my own hand. For the first time in my life I want to live. I'm not fixated on how my life will end, but instead I'm making a new one for myself. I've recycled those old parts of myself worth keeping, and added new to them and created someone capable of living in this world. If that isn't proof enough of how much I have changed, I don't know what is. I'm not boasting of my changes, nor am I berating them. I suppose, I'm only writing this as a way to reflect on them. A small manifesto, if you will, of the changes in my life for the past year or so. It's not meant to say anything to anyone, yet it still says a lot. Take from it what you will, if anything at all, criticize me even, because I have no regrets for what I've done. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I'm looking forward to more.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

An Interesting Day

I finally went to that class earlier this afternoon. It was definitely more than I was expecting. It was like sex education on a level you'd never see them teach in school. We had to watch a video with different scenarios and say what the people in them should do, put a condom on a fake penis showing the right way to do it, and we also put a flavored condom on our fingers and tasted it. I found out strawberry tastes like cough syrup, and that cola is no good at all. It wasn't so bad though, I met a couple of really nice FtMs in the waiting room before we went in and got to talk for a while. There were only 4 of us in the class, and it was me and one other MtF, and 2 FtM's, so it was pretty even. At least it was a one time only class, so I won't have to worry about it again. I did find out that they're starting a support group for MtFs, so who knows I might get into that at some point. I had my blood pressure checked after that was over. It's still up some, 130/80, so she's getting me to come back in 2 weeks to see how it is then. I don't really have high blood pressure, but it being a little higher then normal is an indicator that I might have it later in life, so I can see the concern. She said once we get the blood pressure under control she'll increase my estrogen, so I'm going to do everything I can to keep it down for next time. Once I get on the meds she said I'll probably only need to come back every 2 or 3 months, so hopefully I'll be able to get a job by then. I'll write more later, I'm kind of tired and distracted right now.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Success

I finally got prescriptions last night from my doctor! I got my T blocker increased by 50mg, but my blood pressure was still up so she put me on a low dose of blood pressure medicine. She didn't give me one for estrogen yet, but if things look good next week I think she's going to raise it by 1mg. So I'll end up taking 150mg of aldactone a day, 3mg of estradiol, and 10mg of lisinopril. The BP meds kind of let me down a bit, but I guess it's better to get on something for it than to be sorry I didn't later. It cost me about 16 bucks to get them filled at walmart today, but the bastards said they were going to charge me more next time for some reason. I'm honestly starting to wonder if it wouldn't be cheaper to keep getting them online. I took more shit from my grandparents over things too, but oh well they'll just have to get over me dressing as a girl. It's what I fucking am and I'm not letting them stop me. I'll make this happen if it kills me.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

What A Day

Today started off shitty, got even worse, and then got better, and yet I'm not happy. I got a call from the clinic at like 9 in the morning to tell me that I had to come there on the 19th for that mandatory class I have to take. Apparently if I don't go I don't get anymore help from the doctor. So I was freaking out over that all day. Then I called my mom to try and talk to her about everything that was said before. I actually got her this time, and things really took a turn for the worst. She's being stubborn as hell about giving me the respect that I'm asking for. I ended up telling her not to bother asking me to do anything with her anymore, and said to call me when she felt like talking to me the way I want. When she had to go and said that she loved me, I just said bye and hung up. So yeah, I feel like a real jerk after that, horrible actually. I just feel like I have to remove the people from my life who are unsupportive of me. I called my friend up after that and actually found out that her boyfriend has every Tuesday off from work and is willing to take me, so I guess everything came out alright with that. It's just things with my mom that are bringing me down. I should be happy after everything I've done lately, but having to push my mom out of my life over this just makes me feel horrible. I can't believe I did it, and I'm starting to wonder if I should. I don't know, this hurts like hell, but I still think it's for the best. The people who can only criticize me will do nothing but hurt me in the long run, so I know I have to get them out of my life before they do too much damage. I'm hoping she comes around soon, but I'm not counting on it. This is one of the worst parts about doing all this, I'm losing an old life, but I guess I can say I'm gaining a new one too. Oh yeah, here's a poem I wrote last night, I guess it speaks for itself about how much progress I've made.

No Time to Die

I don't have any time to die right now.
I'm too busy putting this new life together.
I'm tearing the old one down,and using the pieces to begin the new.
it hurts like hell, but the fear within me was a cancer,
and it had to be removed.
my old life was on the road to self destruction.
this time I'm setting the right course, and I'm sticking to it.
I used to spend my days thinking of ways to die,
but lately, all I can think of are ways to live.
I'm not the same person I used to be.
there's so much more to me than there ever has been before.
the foundation is layed for this new life of mine,
and this time it's not falling apart.
I'm building it up, bit by bit, it will all come with time.
for now I just have to survive, I'll worry about dying later.

A Daring Act

Looks like I've got some more news already. I guess I have to say yesterday since it's way after midnight, but anyway. Yesterday I had a therapy appointment, and on a whim I just decided that I should prove to her that I'm serious about all this. So I actually went dressed as a girl, without any friends with me, and right in front of my grandparents who took me. I was thinking about doing it the night before, since I've actually started to like going out as a girl. I got up this morning and just thought why not? I waited until the last minute before we left to walk out in front of my grandparents, I just asked them if they wanted to be seen in public with me. My grandma went off on not liking how I dress in the first place, and not wanting to be seen in public with me. I just didn't say a word and walked out and got into the car. Then on the way she keeps on going about I'm not a girl and whatever, it kind of faded off when I turned up the volume on my headphones to drown her out. Everything went just fine in therapy, I actually don't think she was surprised to see me there dressed up. After that was over we went by Wal Mart, and I got a second, even bigger taste of being alone in public as a girl. I needed some more wax strips, and a few other things, and I made it through checking out just fine. I was very nervous the whole time, but I kind of settled in after a while. Talking to the cashier was a little nerve raking, but luckily I've been practicing my girl voice a bit. I wasn't exactly in good voice today, but I guess at least I gave it a try. This is just another one of those big steps I guess you'd say. Until today I hadn't been out in public as a girl without at least one of my friends with me for support. I guess in a way today was like a solo if you want to call it that. I did this on my own, and I'll admit I'm proud of myself for it. If someone had told me 5 years ago I'd be doing this right now, I'd have thought they were crazy. I've always been one to take chances in order to get something, but this is definitely the biggest I've ever taken. I went out on my own, and on top of that I stood up to my family and proved that I was the bigger person by not yelling back this time. I let them say what they wanted and then I just silently defied them. I'll never be accepted by them, that much I've already accepted myself. Now it's all coming down to wether or not I'm going to let them slow me down and make me embarrassed. I can't please everyone, and I'm sure as hell not going to try. I have only myself to answer to and to please, and so far I'm happy with what I've done. I'm taking the biggest risk in my life so far, and it's paying off, bigger than any other risk I've taken. Miracles won't happen I know, but for the first time in my life I'm happy with where my life is headed. I've gained confidence in myself, more and more independence, and most importantly, I've found myself. This who and what I am, and I refuse to change for anyone.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A New Streak of Luck

Well I've got some good news for today, I finally got a call back yesterday morning from the clinic and I've got a new appointment. My friend's boyfriend said he could take me, so it looks like I get another chance. I'm happy, in fact I was down right hyper all day, but I suppose now I'm coming down from that high. The big picture is coming back into view and making me think more realistically again. That still is that after this appointment I have no clue when I'll be able to make it back again. I'm hoping maybe I can bring it up with my aunt and maybe I'll get lucky and get a little sympathy from her. I don't know, I should be happier, but it's hard to feel that way when the threat is always there that everything I'm working toward could just collapse and fall apart at any time. I'll admit that getting hormones is my reason for wanting to live right now. My whole life's goal at this point is to go through transition successfully. Doesn't leave much to what happens after, but I guess I'll just deal with that when it comes. Something my friend said to me the other day really got me thinking. She told me that she thought I was brave for going through all of this. Honestly I'd like to believe that, but I just can't see myself as brave for doing this. Sure, it's scary at times and I haven't even gotten to the parts of it that scare me the most, but what other choice do I have? Live the rest of my life miserably, or die. Not much of a choice is it? It's like escaping from a burning building, you're in fear for your life and you just do it because you want to live. Well that's why I'm doing this. I'm truly in fear for my life if I don't, because I know what's happened before, and I know it can happen again if I let it. I'm not brave, not at all, I'm just in survival mode. Sure, it takes a lot courage to keep going sometimes, but what else can I do? I'm not turning back now, it's all or nothing as far as I'm concerned. I can keep going or die, those are my options. I vowed to transition or die trying, and I intend to make it happen either way. Sound harsh to you? Well, that's because it is, but no one ever said it was going to be easy.