It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Angry Rant

I would have wrote something last night, but I was too upset when I got home to do much of anything. We got about half way to the clinic and they called and told me that clinic had been cancelled for the night because the doctor couldn't make it in. Needless to say I was pretty pissed off at that point. I couldn't tell them right then when I could come in so I had to call back later to make an appointment. My friend's boyfriend said he had the 12th off and that he could take me then, so I'm trying to get one for that day. I called last night and left a message but I haven't gotten a call back still. This really sucks too, I was hoping I'd get hormones this time, now if I can ever get anyone on the phone I'll still have to wait another 2 weeks. Once again it seems as if everything that can go wrong for me does. I've been pretty depressed all day today. To add insult to injury so to speak, I called my mom today and got to talk to her for a while, and now she's saying she won't call me her daughter until I have the operation. That just hurts, her of all people saying something that bigoted about what I'm going through, after she supported me as much as she has in the past. I tried to explain things to her, but all she would say is that until I've got what she does I'm not a girl. That just completely ruined my day. I'm so sick of things going the way they do for me. It's like people just toy around with me at first to make me get comfortable around them and then they hurt me. I can't take anymore of this shit from my family. Everyone I've asked to call me Sage and refer to me as a girl has been ok with it. I don't see why it's so damn hard to think that just maybe what's in your pants isn't what makes a woman. I'm growing boobs, wearing womens clothing and make up, and I plan to change my name to fit me as a woman. So I think I deserve at least enough respect to be called a woman. I've worked hard to get to where I am now with this and to have someone tell me that I'm not a real woman until I've got a vagina just pisses me the fuck off. I can't help it that I wasn't born female, I just wish of all people my own mom would take me seriously about this. Maybe I set my hopes too high for my family, I thought at least a few of them got me, but I guess today kind of shot that thought down. At least I've got friends I can count on, the only thing I can count on with my family is for them to let me down anytime I need them.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Big News

I met someone online from the area in Richmond that I want to move to who's looking for a roommate. The best thing is, he's TG like me! I'm not going to get my hopes up too much just yet, but this is looking pretty good so far. We've talked about looking for a place together sometime and going full time as girls together. This is like so much more than I ever could have hoped for. I mean I did have some hope of this happening, but I never expected it to. I guess we're going to hang out some for a while and get to know each other better first though. We've got a lot in common so it's looking pretty good so far. This all fits into my plans perfectly. He was planning on looking for a place sometime next year so that gives me time to get a job and save up some. I've decided I want to try and get my name changed some time this year too. I'm thinking I'll go for it probably during the summer. I just don't want to be too hasty about it. For once things actually look good with all this. I'm not sure how they're going to turn out, but I'm sure willing to go through with it and see for myself. It looks like I've got a lot to get done this year. I just hope I can make it all happen. I've started doing some work for my aunt, and I've got some more lined up with my neighbor too. I'm hoping that will bring in enough money to hold me until I can get a full time job. I'm really excited about everything now, I just hope it all works out for the best. Call me pessimistic if you want, but it seems like every time something good happens to me something awful happens to screw it all up or make it harder. I guess when you're going through with what I am you always have to expect the worst outcome so you aren't so disappointed when it falls through. That's about all for now I guess, I'll write again Tuesday about how my appointment goes.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Meeting the Doctor

I finally got to talk to the doctor tonight about everything. I got checked out and what not, they took a couple vials of blood and wanted me to pee in a cup. It went pretty good actually, my blood pressure was up a little and they want me to come back in a couple weeks, but other than that there weren't any issues. She said it was probably from stress, and I was a little nervous, but hopefully it's nothing to really worry about. Aparently estrogen can raise blood pressure but she said even with that it's still possible to increase my dose. At least they're talking about increasing it so that's a good sign. I'm not really sure about the meds just yet, but I hope that I'll be able to get some next time. I found out yesterday that my friend isn't going to be able to take me for a while starting on the 31st through March. Now I've got to hope that my mom can take me some. I go back in 2 weeks so I'm hoping my friend will still be able to take me then at least. They want me to see a psychiatrist that comes there once a month too because of my history with depression and cutting. I don't really want to, but I guess I might as well, he could be my ticket to surgery. I want an orchidectomy as soon as I can save up for it, but I need 2 mental health professionals to sign off on it for me, and at least one has to be a psychiatrist. Well I guess I'm slowly getting there, it's progress at least. I'm a little proud of myself, I actually got out in front of people more this time. We went to a few stores before we got to the clinic so I had a chance to be in public. It all went great, I'm pleased with how things are going. I can't complain about too much, so I guess I'll just have to see where the next appointment takes me.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

New Year, Same Issues

I don't guess there really is much to say about 08 this far. It's been about the same as always. I did get a new coat that finally fits. That kept me happy for a while, I actually got brave and wore it in public today. My appointment to meet with the doctor at the clinic is next Tuesday, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm not sure if I'll get a prescription or not, but I get to go through all the testing and stuff I guess. There just really hasn't been much going on in my life the last couple of weeks. I still need to find a job, but I can't do that until I know just how often I'm going to have to go back to the clinic. I hope I can find something out about that next week, if I have to pay to have prescriptions filled I'm going to need to make money some way. Progress is coming along slowly, I just hope it doesn't stop completely.