About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Another Year Gone By

Well it looks like another year of my life has gone by, another one that I thought I would never see. I can't say it was bad though, in fact it's been one of the best years of my life. I've had so many firsts this year I don't know if I can even name them all. My first boyfriend, first time in public as a girl, first christmas as a girl, the list keeps going. It's been a real year of progress for me, and all it seems like I've been doing again lately is dwelling on the stuff I haven't done. There's still a long way to go for me, and I should be proud of everything I've accomplished this year. It's probably been the most productive year of my life. It certainly has been the most exciting. I have an actual social life now, something I couldn't say in past years. I've changed so much this year, it's amazing even to me just how much I've come out of my shell, so to speak, in just the last year. I started out this year pretty much the same as all the others, at least for the first few months of it. Then when me and my boyfriend got together it was like things changed so fast. Even if we have been, and still are, having some problems, I don't regret it. Coming and staying with him pretty far from home has given me the chance to do so much. I've met lots of new people, made new friends, and become so much more outgoing. Just sitting here thinking about it makes me happy. So I can honestly say I'm happy with this year. I only hope next year is just as incredible.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

What A Night

Well it's safe to say that I made up for my birthday last night. One of our friends picked me and Richard up to go to a party at another one of our friend's house. It wasn't really a party though, more like 5 people getting together and drinking all night. We hit a deer on the way to her house, before we had any alcohol. The funny thing is it really didn't fuck the car up beyond beding the hood, at least we thought so at the time. We never even stopped moving and it was like he just bounced off of us or something. But we made it to the party safely. I only had one drink and a few sips of vodka on my birthday, sitting alone at home, but I sure had fun this time. I ended up having 2 vodka shots, a margarita, a white russian, a red russian, and a tequilla shot. I think that's the most I've ever drank in one sitting. I was definately drunk, but I could still stand up and walk around, all be it a bit wobbly though. It was pretty fun, we played a nightmare before christmas board game, which was even more fun while drunk. It was mostly just something to do to give us a reason to drink. I passed out on Richard by the time we finally crashed and went to bed. We got a guest room, so once he got in the bed I just fell over on him and woke up a few hours later still wearing my coat and shoes. I didn't have a hang over when I got up this morning, but I sure felt like I should have. We got like 10 minutes down the road to go back home and the car starts over heating. So we had to stop and go all the way to our friends house which was like 5 minutes away. It took us like half an hour to get there stopping every few minutes. We just hung out there and asked his parents to come pick us up. His step dad looked at the car and saw that the radiator had a crack in it, so the deer did more damage than we thought. But everything worked out fine, we made it home ok. It was still worth it, because I wasn't very close with the two people we hung out with, and I found out they don't live far from me. So we may get to hang out more now. Anyway I'm tired as hell, so I'm going to go take a nap.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me

Well it's the night of my birthday, it was the 23rd, but it is after midnight now. It didn't turn out all that bad I guess, could have been better. It started out pretty shitty, Richard calls and says if I don't make it down for my birthday then I have to spend Christmas with him. So we got into an argument over that, where I point out that I didn't plan on getting sick for 3 days, and I had already told him a month ago I was spending it with my family. Then he's telling me he's just going to leave me becasue if we don't have time together to fix things before new years it's too late to do anything about it. After a while of arguing I give in and say I'll come down there tomorrow. Then he asks me if he can make it up to me some way, and I say cigarettes and vodka. Like I need large amounts of either right now. It's just what dealing with shit like that from him has driven me to. Anyway, my dad showed up with braty little brothers as that tear filled conversation was going on, so I had to deal with banging on my door for half of it. Then they get to drive me nuts for a while until my mom called and I asked her to take me into town to buy a bottle of vodka. As I was getting myself ready he calls me back and says that now I can wait until christmas afternoon to come so I can spend time with my family. It made me happy, but at the same time if he can't me a ride for that day I'm just going tomorrow and saying to hell with what my family thinks. All of this for him, after I specifically said I wanted to stay home to help ease some of the tension with my family. So my mom got me and took me out for a while, got me some alcohol, and I made a couple drinks tonight, but nothing much. I got a small buzz that was about it. Not exactly what I had planned for today, there was way more drama than I liked. I have no clue where I'm spending Christmas now. I want to spend it with my family to show them that I actually still care about them, but he made such a big deal about spending with him that I'm just going there if he gets a ride. Relationships are a bitch sometimes. I guess things could have been worse, I'm alive, so I guess that's something to be thankful for.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sick

I swear I'm never smoking again. I never let it get too bad, no more than once or twice a week, but now I think it's made me sick. My mom asked for a cigarette Friday and I ended up having one with her. Well when I went to light it up I thought it wasn't burning enough, so I breathed in a little deeper and smoke went like half way down my throat. I caughed a bit, but I didn't think much of it until after I got home. That's never happened to me before, but a few hours after I got home my throat started getting kind of scratchy. I didn't think it was going to get too bad, but by the time I went to bad that night I was in so much pain I could barley sleep. It's still hurting, although it is slightly better. The glands in my neck are a little swollen and sore, but I have no fever or anything else. So I can only assume that the smoke irritated it some way or another. I don't know, I can't afford to see a regular doctor for this and I don't want my grandparents to pay for it. They'll hold it over me just like they did with my trip to the emergency room over the summer. I've been taking everything I can to get better, it pays to know some herbology. I can't believe this, I'm probably going to be sick for my birthday. The first time I've ever planned anything special for it and I get sick. I'm giving up smoking before it gets worse than this. I'm falling back into too many of my old habits, and I don't like it. It's fun going out and partying, smoking and getting drunk, but if I keep it up it's going to kill me. If nothing else it could throw my HRT off, I'm not supposed to be smoking, and I'm only supposed to drink a little. My doctor would be disappointed with me if I told her all this. I don't want my dosages reduced or anything, so I have to cut this shit out. I'm already on blood pressure meds, the last thing I need is to start smoking. I'm letting myself get addicted, and that's not what I want. I'm craving a cigarette just sitting here now being miserable with my sore throat that I got from one. My relationship problems drove me into a lot this. Although, now that situation is getting better, but the bad habits I picked up during it aren't. I'm sick of letting addictions come into my life like this. I've got to stop, I'd almost rather go back to the cutting than screw myself over with cigarettes in the long run. But I can't go back to that either. I've made it a year and a half without intentionally cutting myself, and I plan to keep it that way. I swear I'm giving them up, no matter how hard I have to try.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Very Good Day

Things actually went very well with my mom today. She took me and my brother to a mall near hear, and everything went alright. I was correcting her most of the way when she called me he, and she actually did use the right pro nouns when I did that. That was surprising alone, but I thought she was just doing it to humor me or something. We didn't really get the chance to stay out very long, or for me and her to try and talk out our differences. But, on the way back my brother wanted to stop at McDonalds to get something to eat. I told him to take a while before he went in since he saw some of his friends there, hoping that it would give me some time to talk with my mom alone. We sat there and talked about everything that had been going on, and tried to come to some understanding about the whole situation. Some woman tried to get her attention while we were talking, who thought she was having this really emotional conversation with herself or something. Then she saw me in the back seat and was like oh I didn't see the guy in the back seat. I just looked away like keeping my mouth shut hoping she would go away. Then she she says it again while she was apologizing, and my mom just like oh that's my daughter. I just sat there speechless for a second, thinking did I hear what I thought I just did. Then she lookes over at me and smiles, and it sinks in and I was just like thank you. That's the first time she's ever called me her daughter, and it just meant so much more because she told someone else. That made me realize that she really had accepted me. I'm smiling as I write this, because that just made my entire month. She's still refusing to call me Sage until I get my name changed legally, but she at least promised me she wouldn't use it while I'm around or in public. I'm accepting that for now since it's obvious she's at least trying now. This was probably one of the best Christmas presents that I could ever get. I've been waiting 2 years to hear her say that.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

She Apologized

I sent a text to my mom yesterday apologizing for everything again, and she actually apologized to me too. She says she wants to talk things out when we see each other again, which should be tomorrow actually. I'm kind of looking forward to it, I hope it all goes well. I hope more than anything we can come to some kind of an understanding with everything. My boyfriend also told me a few days ago that he's going to try to make things better with us. That makes me pretty hopeful. I don't know what's going to happen with either right now. All I can do is keep hoping that it will all turn out alright.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Talked to My Mom

I finally got a call through to my mom today, only I'm starting to wish I hadn't. I called the house phone for once and she just happened to be there, I think if it wasn't for that she wouldn't have talked to me. I asked her why she hadn't got back to me or anything, and she told me it was because of something I said in a text back in September that pissed her off. If it's the one I'm thinking of I guess I can't really blame her. I sent one that said fuck you to her with some other stuff about not caring about me, but only because I called her nearly every day for 2 weeks and left several messages, and she never called me back. I did tell her I was sorry, even though I still feel like she had it coming for ignoring my calls. I can't believe she's being this petty over a text. The least she could have done was call me and let me know she was pissed. Instead she apparently told someone else who told my grandma, and then when I got home the other day she tells me she heard that I had told my mom off. I had no clue what anyone was talking about, and she wouldn't tell me who she heard it from. So apparently I'm the last person to know that my mom is pissed at me, which really doesn't make me any happier. She had the nerve to ask if I wanted to go somewhere with her Saturday, I told her I might go if I'm still home, but I don't know. I'm not sure I can deal with her, or if she can deal with me. I don't know what to do right now about all of this. I had hoped that talking to her again would help, but it hasn't. She only talked to me for like 10 minutes, after 3 months of not speaking to me at all. I hung the phone up and started crying. I wish I knew where this was going.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Relationship Troubles

I don't normally write about the problems between me and my boyfriend, but it's gotten to the point where he's the cause of a lot of my problems. It just seems like what we had in the begining is gone now. It's been 9 months, and for at least the last 4, things have just been going downhill. He was the first person period, I ever had sex with, and despite having done it 4 times, I've never gotten that into it. For some reason sex is hard for me. It's the same with girls, I should know, I dated a few in my time. Nothing ever came of those relationships though. I liked the idea of sex, but now it's like what's the big deal? It physically hurts for me to do, and I can't take it very long. Unfortunately it's causing problems with me and him. He doesn't understand how I feel, and spending less and less time with me. Im sitting here writing this right behind him, while he's on the other computer playing the game that he played for 6 hours earlier. I'm getting to the point now where I can't stnd a lot of the shit I'm getting from him. I keep trying to beg him to do things with me, spend more time with me, and help me out, but he won't. It's getting on my nerves, and it makes me feel like I'm the one doing everything wrong. He can't even take a damn shower every day. He's too distracted by this game to even notice that I'm pissed. I've tried talking to him about this, I've tried just about every suggestion that 10 or more people have made to me with him, and nothing seems to work. I don't know if this relationship is going to last past new years. I'm trying as hard as I can to work out these problems, and he won't do a thing. So I'm just tired of being the only one trying. He's holding me back from doing a lot of the stuff I want to do. He has no job, and barley tries as it is to even get one. He makes promises that he doesn't keep, and gets upset over some of the stupidest things. I don't know if I can take it much longer, I love him to death, but he's like dead weight to me a lot of the time. Anyway, I don't care if he sees this, he never looks at what I write anyway. So that's really all that's going on right now.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Outcome

Well I was finally able to get another appointment this morning. No one bothered to call me back yesterday, so I called at 10:30. I actually got someone on the phone the first try. The only problem was I couldn't get one before the 6th of January! Which is exactly why I was so stressed out about not missing the one I had, and getting one as soon as possible. I knew they would be booked up this month, especially since they're closed the last 2 weeks of the month. Luckily I have enough extra estrogen to make what I have last until then. My friend said she can take me then, I'm hoping nothing else comes up. This time I'm asking as many people as possible if they can be back up for me, just in case. I'm at least calmer now. I just really hate missing that appointment, I was supposed to have my 6 month blood work done. I feel better at least knowing that I've got another appointment. I'm not looking forward to the next month, but I'll live. Anyway, I don't really have much else to say right now.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bad Days

I'm just fed up with people lately. I've had the worst last 2 days. First my friend tells me that she can't take me to my appointment yesterday morning, which was supposed to be today. So I've been scrambling ever since to find someone who can take me, but no luck. So I'm having to call to no end, because it's a free clinic, to ever get in touch with anyone about moving my appointment to next week. I've made 2 calls already and left a voice mail, and I've gotten nothing back. If I miss an appointment without letting them know about it I can be suspended from service for a year. So I have real incentive to get in touch with someone. My nerves are shot to pieces today from this. The second thing was that I found out my friend who was going to buy me a tattoo, and take me to a party for my birthday just lost her job. So now that means all of those plans probably won't happen, and she won't be able to give me rides to my boyfriend's as often. So that just sucked for everyone. Then I find out that the guy who brought me home from there last time doesn't want to do it again, becasue he thinks I was scared of him the whole way. I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before, so I wasn't very talkative. On top of all that me and my boyfriend are having issues again, which I hope can be fixed. I'm not asking if things could get worse, I know they could, so I'm just going to hope for the best right now. I'm just pretty depressed and stressed out at the moment, also a little pissed off at people. I hate it when stuff like this happens. I just want the day to be over and everything to turn out fine.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Miss My Mom

I haven't so much as spoken to her in about 2 months. I've tried calling, but she never picks up, or never calls me back. She only lives maybe a mile from me, but yet she can't even pick up a phone or stop by and see me once in 2 months. Well actually it's been more like 4 or 5 months since I've seen her in person. It just seems like every time we talk there's an argument. She got to meet my boyfriend and the whole time she was using my guy name pronouns. It was humiliating because his friend was there too. They both know about me, but it was embarassing still. It hurts sometimes to know that she doesn't accept me. It hurts even more when she doesn't even seem to give a damn about me. I wonder if she even cares. She of all people I wanted to accept me, and I thought for so long that she had. But once it was obvious I wasn't going to turn back, she rejected me. She supported me when she thought I would grow out of being TG, she treated it like it was just a joke. She still does. My boyfriend's family cares more about me than my own most of the time. They care if I'm happy or not, my family just checks every now and then to make sure I'm alive. My grandparents are doing better, but that's about it. Silence hurts just as much as hateful comments sometimes. In fact it hurts even more, because at least when I'm being insulted they're speaking to me. When they're not, it just shows indifference. But this is about my mom, not the rest of my family. I do have to give them credit for trying though. I just wish my mom would too.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Transgender Day of Remembrance

I know I'm a day late writing anything about this. I had a pretty busy day yesterday, and when I finally had free time I broke down crying after watching a few videos on youtube. It was a pretty emotional night for me, I wouldn't really say I broke down though. That's a bit exagerated, more like just watched in silence and kept a straight face, but couldn't help letting the tears out. The day of remembrance means a lot to me, it makes me feel lucky just to be alive. And it also makes me despise those who would take our lives, just because we're different than them. I say the whole month of November should be dedicated to LGBT people. It sickens me to see so many people who have been killed in the last year alone, and to know the numbers are rising. It scares the hell out of me to know that anyone in the TG community has a 1 in 12 chance of being killed. I'm not sure just how accurate that is, but it's scary none the less. There's so much hate in this world, and it's killing our brothers, sisters, friends, wives, and husbands, it's riddiculous. I try not to dwell on it being a day of mourning though. I see it as a day of action just as much. It angers me to know how little attention is payed to these murders. Even if I never knew them, we had being transgendered in common, and that's enough reason for me to care. It makes me happy to see how this day unites so many of us. Because I see that as the first step towards fighting for our rights. I won't their deaths be in vain, because I will do everything I can to educate people about trans issues. I will continue to be publicly open about myself, out of shear defiance to any hate mongers who think they can dictate my life. I have never been physically harmed for being TG, but I've taken quite a bit of mental and emotional abuse from others over it. I hope I never experience anything more than that, because I feel sorry for the SOB who fucks with me. I will not become another name on a computer screen, or a statistic. I will fight with every breath left in my body to survive, and I will not stop until justice is done. I know that may be a bit unusual to say in regards to something like this, but it's how I feel. I hope and pray that I am never attacked, but I do swear to go down fighting should I ever be, and if I'm lucky I'll take them with me. Sorry, that was my angry rant. Anyway, don't let them have died in vain. Keep being yourselves, and educate those who need to be, those are our most powerful weapons against hatred. Dare to be you, demand your equality, and accept nothing less.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Encouraging Myself

I guess I could use some encouragement right now, most of all from myself. I've gotten back into the habit of putting myself down when stuff doesn't work out the way I expected it to for me. It's a bad habit I've had for a long time. I was getting pretty good at being my own encouragement for a while, it's just getting harder lately. That's not to say I've given up, I've just gotten too pessamistic about everything. I'm expecting too much to go wrong, and I can tell it's having an effect on me. So last night I decided to sit down and write something good about myself, just to try and comfort myself as much as possible. Here it is.

"Sometimes I love being TS so much. Don't get me wrong, it's no walk in the park, but I just love what hormones are doing to me. It's amazing sometimes just to look at my own body and see how it's changed. How much softer my skin is, and just how much more feminine I feel, is just awesome. I can't think of anything better to describe it. It all feels so right. I can't help but feel so grateful for just being able to do this. My body isn't perfect, and I never really expect it to be. All I want is satisfaction with it. Each day I stay on this path, the closer to that satisfaction I find myself. Just having the ability to do this is awe inspiring to me still, despite having been on hormones for nearly a year and a half. I have my bad days and my good ones, but overall, I wouldn't do things any differently if I had the chance. In fact doing it sooner is the one thing that I would change. It's an experience I almost feel blessed to go through at times, and other cursed. However, I am happy, more than I have ever been in my life."

Needless to say that made me feel better afterwards. It's tough to keep going with transition sometimes, especially when things get frustrating. I guess with thanksgiving and everything coming up it really made me think just how much I do have to be thankful for, in spite of all the shit I have to go through at times. I realized that I needed to think more of the things going right in my life instead of dwelling on the bad. It made me see just much the good outweighed the bad. That really helped to pull me out of the depression I was going back into. My biggest feeling right now though, is that I will not give up. I'm tempted so many times to just stop all of this, but I realize that's just fear and frustration. I know deep down inside this is what I want to do, and I swear I will make it all happen. From name change to SRS, I will do it, because it's my dream.

Monday, November 17, 2008

An Update

It's been a while since I posted anything on here. I just can't seem to find time to post much lately. If it's not one thing it's another. But I thought I'd try to give an update on how things are going for me. Everything is fine right now, but I've had more problems than I knew how to deal with. Me and my boyfriend have been having a lot of problems between us. We almost broke up, but we've both agreed to try and fix things now. I still haven't gotten things started for changing my name. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for not getting it done by now. My only real obsticle is that I don't have reliable transportation to get to the court house and ask for everything. Otherwise I'm perfectly capable of doing it. I've been depressed some the last few days about it. My grandparents won't take me, and my only friend that has a drivers license lost it for 60 days. So I might have to wait until after christmas to do it at this rate. I haven't really tried to convince my grandparents to take me yet, but I guess it's worth a try. They've managed to surprise me a lot lately. The day I got home from my boyfriend's they had bought me a sweater and a coat. A girls sweater and coat at that. I couldn't believe it. The coat didn't fit so we had to take it back, but that gave a whole other shock. They asked me to come with them when they went to take it back so I could pick something else out. That was kind embarassing being with them in the store though. They refused to call me Sage, or refer to me as a girl, so it was kind of humiliating with other people around. I swear every time they used my guy name I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I noticed a few people starring and it made me snap at them a bit about it, and I thought we were going to end up leaving without getting anything. It turned out alright though. They got me a 50 dollar coat, it was the only I liked that fit me, and they got it for me anyway even thought I said they didn't need to spend that much on me. Then we went to walmart and they told me to go pick out an outfit of clothes and they would get them for me as a christmas present. I never expected any of it. Apparently they were concerned that I didn't have enough warm clothes for the winter. Whatever is going on with them I like it. I even convinced my grandma to teach me how to sew today, so now I can fix stuff on my clothes if I need to. It's been kind of a mix of things going on. I guess in a way some things have gotten better, while others have just stayed the same. Unless I can get my grandparents to take me to the court house tomorrow then my name change is going to have to wait until next month. I'm going back to my boyfriend's on Wednesday. I also need to find out from my bank how easy it will be to change the name on my account, or what exactly I need to do for it. I want to do that before I get it changed to avoid any possible problems. I guess it's going to be more complicated than I thought. Oh well, I'm past the point of no return, so I'm not giving up on it. I guess I at least have the progress with my family to be thankful for.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Doing Better

I'm doing a lot better than I was before. I haven't touched a single drop of alcohol since. Almost a week now. I actually started taking tylenol and a mix of pain killers every day for a bit, but that only lasted a few days and I managed to stop that too. I don't know what's been going lately why so much of this stuff came back again. Maybe it's just my subconsious telling me to pick up the pace with transition. There is so much more I've got left to do, I'm nowhere near having everything done I want. The next thing I badly need to do is try to get my name changed. I've been too scared to try so far, that and I had no clue at all how much it was going to cost me. But I've at least figured about 100 bucks or so in court fees, and I've gotten up the courage to go to the court house back home and ask for the paperwork. I'm scared as hell that this won't go through and I'll spend all that money for nothing. I live one of, if not the most, conservative county in the state. I doubt they've ever hsad to deal with anyone like me. I just hope that by some chance I get a sympathetic judge for the final word. All I really need to do is fill out the paperwork, then wait for a court date where it will hopefully be accepted and made legal. Anything that takes me anywhere near a court room scares the hell out of me. I don't know why, maybe it's the fear that the people who are supposed to protect my rights might work harder to take them away if they know about me. It wouldn't be the first case of that happening to a TG person. At the very least they could make life harder on me than it already is. I hope I'm wrong though, more than anything. If I can get my name changed it will make trying to get a job so much easier on me, I hope. At least then I won't have to worry about having an obvious guy name. Sage is a unisex name after all. I'm hoping that works in my favor with the court too. I just want the freedom to use my new name in any situation. It's embarassing as hell getting into a bar or club right now. Anyone who looks at my ID with my old guy picture with short hair can tell what's going on. I'm open about myself, but I don't want anyone, even a complete stranger to figure it out that way. It makes me feel even more awkward than usual. Going anywhere I have to show my ID is about the only time I'm really self concious about myself. I'm just tired of it I guess. Even the people at my pharmacy have to know what's going on. I mean I go in there dressed as a girl, and ask to get a prescription filled with a guys name on it, for estrogen. I'm always the one who picks it up, so they have to have assumed it's for me by now. Not that they're rude to me about it or anything. No one has even mentioned anything about it to me when I'm there, and I get that feeling like they don't really care, which is a relief to me. I guess I just want my personal life to stay personal, and not have a stupid name let it all out in the open. I'm not depressed or anything right now, even though I have been battling that a lot lately. I guess I just want to do more with my life, and I've promised myself I will. Oh and thanks Lori, for all the comments you leave me. I know I don't get back to on them much, but I do appreciate them. It's nice to know someone reads this and cares.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I've Got Problems

I'm sorry I haven't been making vidoes or posting blogs much this week. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that's kept me from it. I hate to admit this, but I've fallen back into drinking. The worst thing is, it's worse than before. At least when I was doing it before I only did it every so often. The point then was just to numb myself, but now it's just because it's here. I don't guess this qualifies me as an alcoholic yet, but for the last 4 days or so I've gotten in the habit of drinking every day. It started out as me getting drunk one night last week. My boyfriend had his friends over for almost 2 straight days, and it was starting to get on my nerves. So I did that to loosen myself up so I wouldn't go off on anyone. That's been the worst so far. I haven't been drinking nearly enough to get me drunk on a daily basis, but it's still enough to get a good buzz from. It didn't really hit me until last night just how bad this was getting. I went to the refrigerator to look for some juice, and there wasn't any left. So instead of just opening some more, I grabbed some vodka from the bar. Then later was dumping brandy into some of the juice I was drinking, and last night I put sherry in my pepsi. I was feeling pretty light headed by the time I decided to go to bed. It wasn't until I tried to sit down and read that I realized it was probably from the alcohol. I just like broke down and cried, because the first image in my head was hoplessly alcoholic unemployed step dad. The last person in the world I want to be anything like. I've been ignoring my blogs lately, and usually it's because of the alcohol. It just all kind of hit me at once just how much drinking has been interfering with my life the last few days. I'm tired of it. I went through most of my teens drunk or high, and imparied in some way or another, I don't want that to be the rest of my life. I made my boyfriend promise to keep me away from the alcohol until friday, and even then not to left me go overboard with it. That's really just because we plan on partying with a friend of ours. I'm just sick of these addictions in my life. It's been one thing or another since I was 16, and I just can't let it go on. I've come too far with my transition, and starting a new life of sorts, to let my old problems come back again. I'll make a video about this later, and I will be sober today.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Surprizes and Updates

I've got a bit of time to write some stuff now, so I guessI'll start off with how my grandparents shocked me before I left. They had told me that because of me being TG and transitioning and everything, they weren't going to give me the money they had saved for me for college. Mostly because I want to use it to help me pay for transition. But, last week, only a few hours before I was supposed to leave, they say they need to talk to me about something. I go see what's going on, and my granddad pulls out this bank envelope and says that they had pulled 100 bucks out of the savings they had for me, and I could take as much of it as I wanted. Needless to say I actually asked him to say it again because I thought I was hearing things. The same grandparents who not too long ago told me that what I'm doing is sick and going against nature, are suddenly being nice and giving me money. They even went out and got all these snack food things for me to bring with me. It's the absolute last thing I expected for them to do. I don't know what brought this on. It's so sudden and dramatic it's almost creepy. My first reaction is to ask who died or is dying. I'm not complaining though, if my family wants to give me money by all means do so. I'll gladly take it, at this point every little bit helps. Maybe the time I've spent away from home has made them start to come around with everything. I can only hope. Whatever it is I like it, and I hope it keeps happening. Just thought that was worth writing about, not like it happens every day.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

What I've Been Up To

Well here's a video that explains what I've been up to lately.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Back At Home

Well I got home ealier in the day from Richard's. Got yelled at within the first 5 hours of being home too. Like usual my grandparents see fit to make me feel like the most horrible person in the world. I ask them if they know what they're going to do for Thanksgiving yet, out of some consideration for them. I wanted to know because I was actually thinking of staying here for it. Then somehow the conversation once again goes to me not having a job. They tell me I need to pick one place and live there all the time, and then threaten to cut the internet off here since I haven't been home in a month. They also keep telling me they're going to stop paying my health insurance for me. I just tell them do it, it's not helping me at all with transition, and I can't afford to pay it myself. They already say I'm not getting my savings account in December, so they're just trying to make my life as miserable as they can. Sometimes I'm not sure why I even try to come home at all. Then again I'll admit I had gotten kind of homesick after being away for a month. Kind of weird since I've spent the last 5 years trying to figure out how to get away from this place. Now that I might finally have that chance, it's harder than I thought it would be. I feel almost like I have no real home right now. I'm going back and forth between Richard's and my house, and I'm never here more than 2 weeks at a time lately. Since the begining of August I haven't spent more than a week at home, almost 2 months away total. I don't really feel like I have much of a choice right now, move away or stay here and suffer. Only I can't move, because I can't afford it. I can try the moving in with Richard and his parents thing, but I can only fit so much of my stuff into his room. What I brought just for a month was a challenge to fit. I don't know what I'm going to do right now. My only real choice is to leave everyone I've known my whole life behind, and my friends, and just get moving over with some way. Me and him just both need jobs first, which around here is easier said than done for me.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Why Should I Take it?

I hate putting bad news up on here two days in a row, but something new went down today. My boyfriend is begining to think that he may be transsexual as well, and he wanted to go to his psychologist appointment today dressed as a girl. I encouraged him to do it, I mean it's his happiness that I care about. Then when he mentions it to his mom, she tells him not to, because his step dad will get pissed off. This brings me to telling the big picture. His step dad doesn't like seeing him dressed up, and has actually gotten into fights with my boyfriend in the past over it. He doesn't want to talk about it, and has said there's no way he's letting it happen. He accepts me just fine as I am, and knows all about me. Can you say double standard? I can be myself in this house, but my boyfriend can't!? His mom is fine with everything, and even says she understands. However, when his step dad gets pissed she's suddenly on his side, even after expressing how much she hates the way he feels about it. Hippocritical much? I'm just tired of it, I can't fucking stand it. I feel like shit knowing that I'm allowed to be myself and he's not. His step dad as even said that if he was just gay there would be no problem. What the fuck? That's all that crossed my mind when I heard that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of this. I can't accept it going on, but at te same time, if I refuse to come here, I can't see my boyfriend anymore. I started to do that earlier, but I don't think that will solve the problem. Personally, I'd like to get all 4 of us together in the same place and talk this through, but I have no idea how well that's going to work. Maybe talking to them individually would have a better result. I've got a few other ideas for things I can do to show my disgust though. From now on, I'm only doing what's asked of me around here, and nothing more. I've been doing more than my share of chores lately, so from now on I'll clean up my messes and nothing more. Also, I'm pulling a hunger strike type thing. As long as he can't walk around this house anytime dressed as he wants, I will not eat while his step dad is around. If he can't do something he needs to do around him, then neither can I. I support the people I love, as long as I know what they're doing is right. He's going through so many of the same issues I have, and I can't stand to just sit back and watch as his own family does this to him. I feel like I can't be me around here either. It's almost like I've traded life of unacceptance for another. I'm not accepted as a girl by my own family, any my past as a guy isn't accepted here. I'm not still a guy, but it's part of my past, and I feel like I'm only accepted here because no one knows who I used to be. It's almost like reverse discrimination. It goes against everything I'm fighting for, all my beliefs and principals, and I'll be dammed if I'll turn a blind eye to it. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I just really needed to vent about this.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Old Stuff

I haven't mentioned it really in the videos I've been doing, but lately a lot of my old problems are bothering me again. Mainly cutting is what's getting to me the most. For some reason I've been getting these urges to do it again. It's been well over a year since I've done it, and they just came back so strong. What worries me the most is, I actually do miss it. It felt so fucking good. I only stopped because I went on hormones, and I didn't want to make anymore scars that would show when I dressed as a girl. I guess that's as good as any reason to stop, but I guess I feel like I want more of a reason to have stopped than vanity. In some way, I think that's what I've been doing, looking for a deeper reason. Then again, I don't think any reasons I'm giving myself make me dislike how it felt. Just when I thought I had left this problem behind me, it comes back out and bites me in the ass again. I can think of so many reasons not to do it, but that urge doesn't go away. I've been fighting it, and the only reason I haven't done it is, because the only razor blade I found around here was too dull to do it. I hate to say that, but it's true. I just feel really disappointed in myself right now, for trying that again. There really isn't any specific situation or whatever right now that's making me feel this way. It's just my mental dependance on this hasn't been broken enough. I don't do it, but my mind is still addicted to the feeling I got from it. It still wants me to do it again. I'm still fucking addicted after all this time. That's what worries me. I'm going to be ok, I just needed to vent about this somewhere. I really need another therapist.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What's going on.

I know I've been a bit unresponsive lately with messages and stuff. I've been having a few relationship issues, mostly because of my problems with sex. Something came up that I've been suspecting for a while now, I think that I may be asexual. It started a few months after I had been on hormones, and I hadn't really been with anyone until now to really be able to tell. I mean until this relationship started I was still a virgin, so I hadn't really had the chance to test the waters, so to speak. I've done it a few times now, but it just seems like I never enjoy it as much as I should. It's too painful I guess is really a big part of it. So I'm not sure if it's just the pain and it's scaring me, or if I'm just not comfortable enough with what I have to do it. Everything up until the physical act of sex I'm ok with, but it's like when that comes up I just can't. I'm attracted to him physically still, so I'm not quite sure what exactly is going on. I've got it narrowed down to 3 things. I'm either just scared because it hurts at the moment, and if we try some tips we've gotten I might enjoy it more, I'm just asexual because I don't feel comfortable using the parts I have now and once I have surgery it should be better, or I'm just asexual period. Unfortunately only one of those gives me some hope of fixing things sooner reather than later. Once we get a little money together I'm hoping we can buy a few things so we can try them and see how I enjoy it then. I'm just not sure what to do if it doesn't help. This has been putting a strain on both of us. Neither one of us wants to break up, but it's like we have no physical love life lately. I don't like it because it makes me feel ignored and unwanted, and he has problems with doing that because he feels like I'm just teasing him if I never have sex. I know it's my body and I shouldn't do it just because someone else wants me to, but I want to. I want to enjoy sex, I'm just not sure how at this point. I can see things from his point of view, but I still feel like I need more than just some cuddling and kissing. For sake of keeping some privacy I won't say what we've done to temporarily fix things, I know he doesn't really want me to blog about this, but I need to get it out some way. I'm just leaving out a few parts I know he doesn't want me to talk about at least. Neither one of us wants to leave the other, so I guess we'll have to figure something out. Anyway, that's all for now, I'll keep things updated as to what happens.

Friday, September 19, 2008

A New Poem

I was working on this for over 2 hours this morning. I think it's the reason I've been feeling so depressed this week. I get like that when poetry is having a hard time coming out. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.



The Girl Inside

there is a story that needs to be told,
and trust me, it can be quite chilling and cold.
to look at me now, you probably can't tell
that I once was in the deepest hell.
from my earliest memories I knew something was not right,
little did I know it would cause such a fight.
this fight you could not see,
for in my head is where it would be.
there was a part of me I knew,
but I would not let her shine through.
I was far too scared,
to tell another I never dared.
I tried to keep her happy for the longest time,
but one day, all that turned on a dime.
the prison bars came slamming down,
and I put her in a place I thought she'd never be found.
unfortunately, her pain was also mine,
so for a while, nothing was fine.
I tore into my own flesh
until the blood ran oh so fresh.
the razor blade was my only friend,
even though I knew it might just cause my end.
all the while she was screaming out in pain,
and so was I, to my great disdain.
it soon became unbearable,
and so I thought of something so terrible.
I would take my own life,
it was the only way to end this strife.
I cried as I put the noose around my neck,
and for a moment I paused, then I thought, why not, what the heck?
the world suddenly went black,
the last thing I expected was to be back
I opened my eyes as I lay on the ground,
wondering if this was death I had found.
however, the reality soon hit me,
on this day my death was not to be.
six months later I would try again with pills.
was I just in it for the thrills?
once again I would somehow survive,
and through it all, my self mutilation thrived.
as I did my time in the mental ward,
these feelings I did horde.
so much was to follow,
that my soul would soon feel so very hollow.
drugs and alcohol would numb the pain,
as the girl inside watched in vain.
my life quickly spiraled down,
and in the tide of uncertainty I felt myself begin to drown.
then one day, out of nowhere, I was thrown a life line.
little did I know, my life it would soon come to define.
I was not alone,
and the path to my salvation I was shown.
the girl inside rejoiced as her prison bars were lifted,
and then I realized that through her I was gifted.
I would get to see life from both sides,
and luckily, my friends would be my guides.
I had made it through all the horror and pain,
and thankfully that girl was never slain.
however she would take her revenge on the man who imprisoned her.
slowly, day by day, he faded, until nothing of him was left but a blur
today that girl is me,
and I am happy to say, the guy I once was, has ceased to be.
may he rest in peace,
for my reign will never cease.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Issues

Just a video on some issues that I've been having lately.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Vlogging

Ok, I have some things to talk about this time. As I mentioned when I posted my video last time, I have started a video blog on youtube. I'm at my boyfriend's so much lately that I decided to start using his digital camera to make videos. There's also high speed internet here, so that helps a lot too. Here's the link to my channel page. http://www.youtube.com/user/sagefalloncox I'm going to put a link to it in the side bar also. Other things to mention, I got to meet a post op MtF last night. Me and Richie when out to dinner with her and her husband, and then to a gay bar. Things went pretty well, I got to talk with her some and get a better idea of what to expect in the future. I picked up a few tips, and had some fun, so things went well. I was a little depressed that day, so I didn't losen up as much as I could have I guess. Her husband paid a drag queen to give me a kiss on the cheek. So I had an interesting time, my first time at a gay bar I might mention. Overall things are going pretty well for me. I decided to finally send a nastly little email to the Human Rights Campaign yesterday. I think I got my point across about not being happy with their ENDA decision. Anyway, I think that's about all I've really got to say for now.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Video Blog

I started a video blog on youtube today, so I thought I would post it on here as well.


Friday, August 29, 2008

Full Time

Things have been pretty interesting around here since I got home Sunday. I got here only about half an hour before my whole family was about to show up for lunch. I didn't feel like changing out of my girl clothes and wearing my guy ones, so I didn't. I just sat in my room with the door shut for about half an hour after people got here before anyone so much as came to say hi to me. My grandma came to the door and asked me to come out and see everyone. So, I opened the door enough for her to see what I was wearing and asked if I was allowed to come out. She just gave me a dirty look and said to ask my aunt. Apparently she didn't know my aunt had told my cousins. She at least came back and tried to make me feel better about coming out, but I still just didn't feel like dealing with other people's reactions. I did leave my door obviously open though. It wasn't open all the way, but I did leave a crack in it. It was mostly to send a message that anyone could come in and talk to me when they wanted to. No one came in though, not after my aunt at least. She came back later to say bye to me, and so did my other aunt, but that's it. None of my cousins came in to so much as say hi. Neither of my grandparents tried to come talk to me. And, my dad never came to see me at all, I think that unnerved me the most. I just stayed in my room most of the day until everyone left. I spent almost a month at Richard's dressing like a girl every day. I can't just come home and go back into guy mode anymore. I can't do it for my own sanity. I know if I try to hide myself now it will make me depressed again. So, I've officially decided to go full time. Fuck what my family thinks, they can support me or not, I don't care. I dressed as a girl in front of my little brothers Tuesday for the first time, which turned out just as I thought it would. They used it as an excuse to make fun of me, even though it was hard to make fun of me by calling me a girl. I don't think they really knew what was going on, and I did only let them see me for brief times. They ran and told my dad as soon as he got here, once again I stayed in my room with the door obviously open. Not once did he even come say hi to me, and didn't even say goodbye to me when he left. I walked out of the door where anyone could see me in the hope that he would stop and talk to me, but it didn't happen. I don't know if he just didn't see me or what. I really hope he's not mad at me for letting my little brothers see. I just can't try to hide this anymore. It's become something more than what I do, it's who I am. I am a girl, and to deny that is to deny myself the happiness that I've found. It's like trying to say I'm not white. It's something that's obvious to everyone around me, and I'd have to be an idiot to claim I'm not. My grandma even had the nerve to ask me if I could not dress like a girl in front of my brothers again today. I just told her, I'm sorry, but I can't do that for my own sanity. I'm not letting myself get pushed around anymore. From now on, if people have a problem with me, they can shut up and deal with it. I'm happy with who I am now, and I'm not letting any damn closed minded people try to tear me down for being myself.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Current Goings On

There isn't too much to say that's happened since the last time I wrote. A friend of his came down from Richmond the other day, which turned to be a lot of fun. We spent a couple days hanging out with him, and went to the club the night before he left. He was a pretty fun person to be around, so I really enjoyed myself. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention the one big thing that did happen to me. I lost my virginity. Not something to brag about I know, but for me it was certainly an event to be remembered. I'm glad it was Richard though. It's been kind of hard on me, no pun intended, to adjust to having a sex life. I'll be honest, it hurt like hell the first time and I told him to stop halfway through, but the second time went really well. It' s just so new to me, and I really have to get past the pain right now I guess. That's what is keeping me from doing it too often. It's not that I don't like it, my body just has to adjust to doing it. Despite the pain, I really did enjoy myself the second time. I know he was the right person to do it with though, because I haven't felt any regret over doing it since. I love him, and I'm happy with the decisions I've made with him. I sure couldn't have seen this coming a few years ago, that I would lose my virginity to a guy. Just goes to show how far I've come. The only thing is that it has made me realize even more that I want SRS. I enjoy sex with him, I just don't feel like all the parts are right yet. It's one of those things where it's good, but you feel like it could be better. Another thing that has come up is that I think I may have actually been raped when I was little. I next thing to panicked that first time when I got scared. Even the second time I was forcing myself to try again. I don't know, that's one of those grey areas for me. I can't say yes or no to it, because I just don't remember. I guess only time will tell with that. Things have been alright, I can't really complain too much. So I guess that's about all I have to say right now.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Not Happy

Today went pretty well for the most part, that is until me and Richie were walking down the sidewalk near his house. Some asshole drove by and started yelling stuff at us, the only thing I understood was I hate fags. He yelled fuck you back at them, but it still pisses me off what they did. They didn't even have the courage to say it to our faces, just drive by and yell. Even though I told him to stay calm and that violence wasn't the answer, I wanted to beat the shit out of them just as much. I ignored things myself, but that's the first time that's really happened to me. At least anyone being outright hostile about how they feel about me. What they said doesn't bug me, it's the fact that we live in a society that breeds that way of thinking. It pisses me the fuck off to know there are people out there that hate me for something I can't help. It doesn't make me cry anymore, it just makes my blood boil. I refuse to be discriminated against, I'm a human fucking being dammit, and I deserve to be treated as such. I don't care what anyone's opinion of me is, I'm not hurting anyone by what I'm doing, or who I love. They can tell me I'm going to hell all they want, they won't break my spirit. As much resolve as I had before to bring about change in this world, I've got even more now. They may hate fags, but I hate homophobic assholes. I'm sick of the society we live in. I'm sick of the fucking silent majority, and I'm sick of people not taking a stand against it more. I'm sure I'll get bashed left and right from people in the TG community for saying that, but still, it's what I believe. The gay community has made some pretty big strides in the last few years, isn't it time for ours to do the same? I for one refuse to ever go stealth, no matter what the consequences may be. I'm going to change the world no matter what, that's a promise.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Last Appointment

Today kind of sucked, I found out my therapist is moving. I guess I'm either going to have to find another one, or stop going. I'm thinking I'm just going to stop, but part of me really wants to keep seeing someone. I'm not sure if my doctor is going to want me seeing someone or not, so I guess I'm just waiting and seeing what she says. I'm really going to miss her though. With the exception of about 8 or nine months when I turned 18, I've been seeing her for 4 years. It's just scary trying to find someone else to go to after having someone so supportive help me all this time. She's helped me in more ways than I can ever name. I honestly don't think I would be alive right now if it wasn't for seeing her when I did. I've got all of her contact info and stuff, so at least I'll able to get in touch if I need her to vouch for anything for me again. I know I'll need her signature on the right papers to ever get any surgery, so it's pretty important that I keep in touch. On the bright side of things I guess it works out for me actually. Richard and his family want me to move down there at some point, so I have nothing tieing me down here now. I think I'm actually going to move to Virginia Beach first now. It's the opposite direction from where I want to go, but at least I've got support there. I'm just looking at it as a half way point for now. I can move down there for a few years and get started with everything, and once we have the money, move to Richmond. My choices are certainly getting harder by the day, but at the same time it's like more opportunities are coming up with them. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I'm ready for it.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Beauty (poem)

Beauty

there is a beauty within,
that for too long I've kept buried in pain and fear.
I made it ugly with the abuse I dealt it.
my paranoia and self hatred kept it hidden,
so that none could even glimpse it.
however, that beauty is part of me,
and to kill it, would be to kill myself.
I tried just that and failed,
unaware of the struggle that had begun.
the facade I had erected to hide myself
was slowly being eaten away.
the real me was fighting back, at long last.
the beauty refused to die,
and against all odds survived
to see it's prison walls come crumbling down.
that beauty was me, and thankfully is now all of me.
those years of imprisonment have taken their toll upon me,
but now I am free.
battle scarred, but alive and well.
I've learned a most important lesson as well.
I have to stop trying to fit in,
when I am so obviously born to stand out.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Frustration

I haven't been writing as much lately as I would like to. Things have just been kind of rough around here. I finally got to bring my mom in to therapy to talk about our issues last week. That didn't seem to help much actually. She pretty much refused to even consider calling me Sage, or her daughter. It looks like there's nothing more I can do. That really scares me though. I don't want there to be all these issues between me and my mom for the rest of my life. I just wish she could see me who I really am. I can't say I didn't at least learn something about her point of view from that. She says that because she was out of my life for so long, that all of this hit her pretty hard in the middle of trying to get to know me again. I do understand that, and it's part of what makes me feel guilty sometimes. I want her to get to know me, and respect me for who I am, but the me she wants to know doesn't exist anymore. He never really existed, who I was before was nothing but an act. It was my disguise for most of my life, and that's who a lot of people think I really am. I can't deal with her referring to me as that for the rest of my life. I don't want to push her out of my life, and I'll do everything in my power to not let things go that way, but I don't know what's really going to happen. I let some people get by with it now, because I haven't exactly gone completely full time yet. It's just when I do go full time that I worry about. Will people accept me like I am, or hang on to the person I used to be? I won't know that one until it happens, but more than anyone else I want my mom to accept me. She says she does already, but I know she wishes I wasn't doing this. I guess all I can do is give her time and hope for the best, I've tried everything else. The fact that it was that time of the month for me last week probably didn't help my reasoning skills much at all. This time it was like full out PMS or something. I woke up Monday morning, took my meds, and just layed back down and went to sleep for 2 more hours. I didn't feel like doing anything that whole day, I didn't even want to get something to eat until that afternoon. The next day was pretty much the same. I had to really push myself Wednesday morning to get up and get ready for my appointment with my mom. Once I got home it was like it decided to hit with full strength. I slept a bit once I got back, and after I got up a little while later I felt like I was going to pass out. It was like that most of the night. Then a chocolate craving hit, in the middle of that. I was eating chocolate ice cream, and an orange with chocolate syrup on it. Yes, I know I have some odd food choices. Give me a break, my hormones were bouncing off of every imaginary wall in my head they could. The thing that really wows me about all of this is that it always happens on or very near to a new moon. A friend of mine mentioned that women's cycles a lot of times went according to moon phases. I started keeping track of when mine were coming and what moon phase it was, and I was totally stunned. That night that it was so bad, was the night of a new moon. It's almost like it hit it's peak that night or something. Everyday after that for a few days things just kind of tapered off. I guess it only makes sense that if I'm taking female hormones my body thinks it needs to go through the same cycles. It's not what I'd call curse though, more like a late coming. I have said I wished that I could get periods before, I guess I got my wish. Just goes to show that you should be careful what you wish for. I don't utterly hate it though, it's something I can live with, if only for the fact that in a way it confirms to me that I am a woman now. I've always been a woman, I'm just letting everyone see it now.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

One Year on Hormones

I'm a day late posting this, but I've officially been on hormones for a year yesterday. I can't believe it's been that long already. What's even more impressive to me is just how I've come in that time. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I'm twice as girly as I was when I first got started. Not to mention they have changed me in a lot of physical ways too. I have A cups now, which actually seem to be growing more lately since I had my dosages increased at the end of April. I amazed myself even with all of this. In the last year I've started hormone therapy, dressed as a girl in front of people and in public for the first time, came out to my whole family, found a doctor to help me with hormones and transition, and found a boyfriend. Those are just the major things, that's not even mentioning all of the smaller events. Like the fact that I go full time, for days, even a week at a time when I go stay with Richard. Or even that I'm included in kind of girls night out things with my 2 best friends now. I'm dressing as a girl pretty much anytime I go out in public now, so I'm practically full time as it is. I'll wear some of my old guy clothes around the house, but only as something to sleep in or because I'm lazy and want to wear something comfortable. I've also gained so much self confidence as well. Sometimes when I hear what I'm saying, or really think about what I'm doing it's like I can't believe it's really me. It may be a bit of a stretch to say this, but I almost feel like I've practically turned my life around in a year. It's not very long in the scheme of things, but it's just been a year what I like to think of as kind of a rebirth. When you get right down to it, I feel like I've had to relearn how to live. So much that it felt like it was going to take me forever to learn comes second nature to me now. I even use my girl voice without thinking about it a lot. I just felt like it was worth looking back on things and writing something about it. It's a pretty big anniversary for me, so it's not a day I can ever forget.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I'm Writing Again

It's been a while, I know. Quite honestly I just haven't felt like writing much lately. There's been a lot of issues between me and Richard also. I think the distance is starting to get to him, and I'm not sure if he can wait as long as he says he can to have sex with me. I wouldn't go through with it for my first time just to keep a relationship going, but that's not to say I haven't considered it. I do love him, very much, but I still refuse to force myself to have sex before I'm ready. Then again, the hormones have brought my sex drive down so low that I'm worried I might be asexual now. I hope it's just fear, but you know me, always worrying. Another thing that's become evident lately is the differences in our morals. Mine are much looser than his, and have already caused a significant clash a few days ago. The possibility of us bringing a 3rd person into the relationship presented itself, and for a while I thought we were both in agreement that we would see where things go. Then, the next night I casually bring up the fact that I had talked about it with a friend of mine and he tells me that he decided he didn't want to do it. Personally I wouldn't mind either way, but it hit me kind of hard. Not so much because he didn't want to do it, but because he had seemed so sure of himself the night before that he was ok with it, and then the next day turned everything around. I won't say I was lied to, because I know I wasn't, but it still felt like it in a way. He has much tighter morals in so many things where mine aren't, that I just worry about it causing too many problems. Also, the way he acted about that makes me wonder if he might do something like that pretty often. I know I must sound paranoid, but it did hurt to have that happen. To know that his mom called me amoral because of it hurt even more. I have morals, but I've distanced myself from every overly conservative one I was taught. I want nothing of normal life, I want my life to be exciting, and different. So far it's been all of that, but I worry that it might stagnate later on. I've been a bit depressed after that too. I've found myself wishing I was still careless with my life as I used to be. It may sound strange, but I think I'm scared to be better. What I wouldn't give to drag a razor blade over my skin right now like I've done so many times before. I want to see myself bleed, because that's the only way I know of to let all the pain out at once. But, I won't do it, I have enough scars now. Cutting will only make more, and I don't want that. Vanity usually isn't supposed to be a good thing, but I guess in my case it can be if it's keeping me from hurting myself. I guess I just wonder why not sometimes though. Why not just do it, and to hell with my looks. That's the kind of mood I'm in now. One where I just want to do something spontaneous and reckless. I think it's more out of frustration with my life than anything. I've reached a point where I feel like I'm beginning to stagnate again. I'm only on hormones, and that's about all I've done towards transition. I need to start doing more. I need hair removal on my face for the most part, but also an orchidectomy. Neither of which will come cheap. I don't know what I'm going to do, I have to find someway to make more money. Which is hard when no one will hire you. Anyway, I think that's about it for now.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Nothing New

There really isn't that much to talk about right now. Oh, wait, I almost forgot something. Richard is taking me to a gothic prom on Tuesday. I can't wait, my friend helped me get a dress, and I've been working on putting together a good outfit. He's picking me up on Sunday and I'm hoping I'll get to stay the rest of the week. Everything is going pretty well for the time being, I just hope it stays that way.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Recent Happenings

Well, I've got a few updates to talk about. I spent a few days with Richard last week, and got home Friday. Then last Saturday I went with my mom to see my aunt and grandpa for mother's day. That went very well actually. It was the first time anyone on that side of the family had ever seen me dressed as a girl. My aunt was more than accepting of things. She pulled me aside when I got there, and asked me to promise her that I wouldn't be ashamed of anything while I was there. She was very supportive. One of the first things she asked me when I got there was what name I'm going by now. I told her, and she used it for me the whole day. You wouldn't believe how great it feels to have a family member accept me to that level. She helped me work on my mom about things too. I've finally convinced her to come in to therapy with me sometime, so we can try to work out the issues she's having over me. Hopefully things will go well with that. I really want my mom to accept me as her daughter, that would mean the world to me. My brother already accepts me like I am too. Even he called me by the name I want, and referred to me as a girl. So, things seem to be finally getting better with my family, at least that side of it. My dad's side I can't really say too much for, yet. I've also started going back and reading some if my old journal entries. I really feel like I'm reading something that someone else wrote. I've changed so much since then, and it's obvious from reading what I wrote then, and what I've wrote recently. I realize now just how hard I was on my former best friend a few years ago. He started talking to my ex girlfriend while I was trying to get back with her again, and I went off and acted like he was trying to be with her. Reading some of the things I wrote about him now, really makes me feel bad for how I treated him. So, I've decided to look him up online and apologize for things. It's been weighing on my conscience since last night, and I need to do it. That's one part of my past I'm yet to make peace with, and I'll get no peace until I try. So, I guess, I'm spending tonight trying to do that. Well, that's about everything I have to write about for now. I'll write about how things go with him later.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

At Richard's House

Well, as the title say's I'm at Richard's house (the boyfriend). I thought I would make an entry while I'm at here at 2 in the morning, with nothing to do at the moment. I got to go with him to his psychologist today. I didn't know that was going to happen until I got here and found out he had an appointment to go to. Things went well with that though, he seemed nice, and even wished us good luck together. Other than that, things haven't been happening too fast. We just rode around today while he tried to sell some books, and went to the mall for a little while. I should be home by Saturday though. I have to be back by then so I can go see my aunt with my mom for mothers day. She's my favorite aunt, so I definately don't want to miss out on seeing her again. But, I'm going to cut this a bit short since I'm kind of tired at the moment.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Lot For Only 2 Weeks

Well, it's been a while since I wrote hasn't it? I suppose I should give an update on things then. I went to see Richard again on the 19th. I actually ended up staying 4 days this time, but things definitely went a bit further than before. We got to the point of making out now, so, I'm a bit more comfortable with myself now. We had a lot of fun together. He took me to this pagan gathering, which was very fun. I think that's the most like minded people I've ever been around at once. I got to meet a lot of new people, so it was definitely worth going. I won't go too far into the physical side of things with us. Some of that should stay private. I did some work for my aunt the same day I got home. His friend couldn't take me until after midnight, so I didn't get back until 3 in the morning. Then I got up at 7 to go help my granddad paint my aunts garage, so that was a rough day to say the least. It sucked even more because, I found out that my estrogen still hadn't come in the mail yet. I was down to 5 days worth left at that point and was getting worried. It still hadn't come by Saturday, so I decided if it wasn't there Monday I was going to call the clinic and try to come in and get a prescription. My friend was able to take me, and on Monday it still wasn't here, so I called the clinic that morning and said I was coming in to talk to my doctor. Then when my grandparents got home from whatever they were doing that day, I mentioned something about my meds not being in the mail. They tell me it had been in the post office since Saturday, and no one had bothered to tell me, even though I had mentioned it Thursday that I was waiting for them. So needless to say, that pissed me off pretty well. I knew as soon as I called and set up an appointment it was going to come. I decided to just go anyway, my grandparents can't stop me from getting prescriptions. So, my friend took me there yesterday, and I explained things to my doctor. To my surprise, she not only wrote me a prescription, but she increased my estrogen to 3 mg a day. So, I'm pretty happy about that. She said that since my blood pressure looked good last time, she might as well increase it like she said she was going to when it went down. I also stopped by Walgreen's while I was there and found out I can get my meds cheaper there than Walmart. So I'm going to Williamsburg Saturday to get my prescription filled at the one there. There's so much to write about that I hope I don't make this too long. On another note, my grandparents decided to give me a hard time about all of this the last few days. Nothing unusual, they told me what I'm doing is sick, and that I should dress like a boy and get a job. I told them that their attitude towards me was sick, and that I'll never dress like a guy because it's not what I want to be. I can see I need to get out of this house as soon as possible. This is why I love going to Richie's house, I can dress the way I want while I'm there, and no one gives me trouble about it. Oh well, it's not like I wasn't expecting this to bring me more trouble. I just have to suck it up and keep going, I'll never make this happen if I let people like my grandparents get to me. Let the world think what it wants of me, in the end how I see myself is all the matters. I'm happy with myself, and I won't let anyone take that from me.

Monday, April 14, 2008

A Good Outcome

I finally have some time to sit down and write about yesterday. Well, I finally told my dad about being TG, and things actually went very well. Better than I could have imagined in fact. He told me that I had to do what makes me happy whether he understands or agrees with it. So, that was like wow! We talked about things for a little bit, and I even told him that I have a boyfriend, and he was accepting of that as well. He said that he realized he hadn't really been the best father to me, and that he doesn't know how exactly he could help me, but that he's there for me to talk to when I want. So, I'm happy, he hugged me and said that he doesn't think of my any differently. Things couldn't have gone much better to be honest. That's a load off my mind now, although, I forgot to bring up telling my little brothers. They're going to be the next big step in coming out. I really want them to know so I don't have to hide it from them, but I also don't want to upset them in any way with it. I suppose, for once, I actually have to try to give a simplified explanation to someone about being TG. So, that's giving me a bit of trouble. It's a bit difficult to break down something as complex as gender identity to 6 and 7 year old kids. I don't doubt my ability to do it, I just want to do it in a way that helps them understand what's going on with me. But, I guess that's for another day. I'm definitely going to ask my dad if he wants me to before I tell them, so I guess we get to have another talk soon. I guess, that's about the extent of what's going on in my life right now. Some things better than others, but still, on a whole it's not too bad.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Coming Out... Again

It seems like things are beginning to get back to the old chaotic ways as of lately. Apparently my grandparents decided they were going to tell everyone where I had gone while I was with Richie. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but my dad had actually called me on the way home Tuesday. I was too scared to pick up and talk to him though, so it looks like that just made him worry about me. He called my mom at work Wednesday morning asking if she knew anything about what I was doing, and since I hadn't spoken with her in like 2 months, she had no clue what he was talking about. Then she got worried and called me that afternoon to tell me what was going on. It shocked the hell out of me that she actually called me for once, although, I know the only reason she called was because of my dad. If he hadn't talked to her she still wouldn't have called me now. But, the good thing about that is, it got me and my mom talking again. She's still too stubborn to accept things about me. I finally got her to admit that she though that I wasn't serious about things before. The only reason she feels like giving me for not calling me her daughter or by the name I want is, that she can't. So, that's all I get from her, excuses. I know I was slow to make things happen, but I feel like I gave her ample time to come to terms with everything. There's no way I could have made it more obvious to her that I'm serious about all of this. Not only did I tell her how I felt and what I wanted to do, but I started myself on the hormones, went to get a doctors help, go out in public as a girl, etc... That's just outright denial of the truth if all of that is in front of her face and she can't see that I'm serious. I told her if she can't respect me then I can't respect her. So it looks like my mom just wants to create a bad relationship between us now. As much as I hate to say it, maybe my grandparents were right about her in some aspects. She's so dead set on me having my own life, that she's pushing me out of hers. If that's the way she wants it, then that's the way I can make it. She asked me if I wanted to come see her for mothers day next month, and I told her unless she was going to do what I asked, then no. I'm not taking that kind of deliberate disrespect from anyone else, so I'm sure as hell not taking it from her. I'm hopeful that she'll come around though, maybe my aunt can talk some sense into her. She at least was ok with me having a boyfriend, so I guess not everything is a total loss with her. So, now I also have to explain everything to my dad. I'm planning on just asking to talk to him alone tomorrow, and then spilling it all. I'm so sick of hiding myself from him, he has to know about me some time. I also ended up telling my grandparents I have a boyfriend now. Not surprisingly the first thing they asked me was if I'm gay now. I told them no, but I don't think they're convinced. Anyway, that's what's been going on, a whole lot of stress. I guess it's time to make another step forward, I just hope I'm ready.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Huge News

Oh my god, have I got a lot to write about this time. I just got home yesterday after spending 3 days with my boyfriend. Yes, that's right, I have a boyfriend now. It's the guy I was talking about in my last entry. He was trying to get me there to spend a few days with him, and on Saturday he called and told me that he had ride for me right then. So I decided to give things a chance and I went. He's so sweet and nice, I told him I could sleep on the couch but he wouldn't let me and gave up his bed for me. Since he lives at home still I got to meet his parents too. His mom I know likes me, she was really nice to me the whole time I was there. His step dad I don't guess really understands everything, but he seemed to be pretty accepting of me. It definitely wasn't a bad experience, it was different than what I'm used to here at home, but in a good way. We didn't really go as far as making out, but we cuddled, held hands, and kissed each other a lot. I'll admit I'm taking things slowly because this is pretty new to me. I've only ever had relationships with girls in the past, so it's different being on the other end of things for a change. I like it though, it's a different feeling, but it's one that I feel more comfortable with. I loved being there with him. He took me for a walk the night I got there, and never let me pay for anything, even when I offered to. It's funny how I wasn't really trying to find anyone, and then when I meet him everything just goes so right and we end up together. It's all happened so fast that sometimes I hope I'm not moving too fast with things. Everything was just absolutely perfect, but I guess the only big issue we ran into was me. Emotionally and physically I'm attracted to him, but the whole issue of me having guy parts came up. I know with any serious relationship sex is going to come up sooner or later. It's not that I wouldn't want to with him after a while, it's just that at this point, I really don't feel comfortable doing that as I am. To put it very plainly and bluntly, I can't stand getting an erection. It's not like I don't want to be aroused, I just don't want an erection when it happens. Sure there's every argument in the world saying I can still feel like a girl with a penis, but I guess it's just really hard to ignore it at that point. When it happens to me I'm not thinking that I like it and it feels good, I'm just thinking make it stop. I try to ignore it, I suppose, I just have to work a little more at being comfortable with my own body. But, to tell the truth, I'm just utterly disgusted with that part of my body. It doesn't feel right at all for me to have and I just want it gone. I really care about him, and I hope things last with us, but the last few days have without a doubt proved I want to go through with surgery some day. Things are definitely looking up for me though. We're both happy together, and I hope what we have will last. He says he understands my feelings about everything, and says that he can wait for sex until I feel comfortable enough for it. I guess it's going to take some work on both of our parts to make things happen, but I have hope for it.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

A Good Week

Well it seems like I actually have some good stuff to write about this time. I went to my doctor yesterday, and my blood pressure was down to 112/78, so I don't go back until July 1st. I've finally got my blood pressure under control. I did practically have a nervous breakdown the day before though. I kept texting my friend who was supposed to take me to make sure he still could, and finally he answered back and said that his boss wanted him to work. Luckily my friend that had been taking me originally wasn't working and was able to take me. Since my appointment finished up early we decided to do a little shopping before we came home. She got me a new pair of pants and a coat, so I was happy. I got to wear them to my therapy appointment today, so I'm satisfied with them. I still haven't resolved my medicine issues completely, but I've heard some good things about Walgreens, so I'm thinking of checking into things there. Aparently they have gender dysphoria in their anti discrimination policy, so once I'm in Richmond, it might possibly be a place that would hire me. Also, on a more personal note, I met a guy the other day that likes me. He's a good ways away, but not too far that I couldn't go see him. He actually offered to come here and bring me back with him, so he's really nice. The best thing of all though, is he's a crossdresser. It's not exactly the same as me, but he does understand a lot of what I'm going through, and he's pretty close to my age. So, things look like they may go pretty well with him. We've agreed to take things slow since I want to get to know him better right now. I can definately say I've got a crush though, he's like the sweetest guy I know. We've got a lot in common, and we both like each other, so I may end up in my first relationship with a guy in the near future. I'm a little cautious about things, but I feel pretty comfortable with him. Anyway, I think that's a good highlight of things lately. They could be better, but they're also definately not bad. So, I guess things are looking up for me again. I hope they just stay that way this time.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Lost A Friend

Well I think I finally have some time to myself to sit down and write again. There's a few new things to talk about this time. I think I can safely say I've lost one of my friends now over this. She was home from college Friday so I asked her to come over and hang out for a while. She agreed to things, and then the night before she tells me that she can't come in my room if she hangs out with me. Apparently that's the "rule" at college, because I'm a guy. It really pissed me off that she called me a guy, but even more so because she was telling me it was the reason she can't come in my room. I tried to convince her to come anyway, but nothing I said worked. She tried to claim that I have no right to consider myself a woman, because "god made me a guy". I ended up telling her off. I told her if she was going to be that way about things, not to bother coming over, and that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I suppose, that's the product of a Christian college. She was fine with me before going there, now it's like she's been brainwashed. But, I won't get into discussion about religion at the moment. Even though it's been a couple days it still burns me up to think about. How dare she tell me that I have no right to be a woman! My body may be a work in progress, but I'm just as much a woman as anyone born that way. I don't give a damn about DNA, I know what I am. It hurts me when I have to do it, and I wish I didn't have to, but I have to rid myself of unsupportive people. My family, I can't help but be around, but friends I can. She's no friend of mine if she constantly tells me I'm going to fail at this, or refuses to see me a girl. I don't need that in my life, I give myself enough grief as it is. I don't need that of anyone else added to it. I have to be my own activist, I guess, if I want anyone to treat me right. The hard work and determination I put into making this happen give me all the right in the world to call myself a woman, and to expect others to do the same. I've worked to make everything I've done happen. Yes, my friends have helped me out a lot, but most of the time I have to help myself if I want anything to get done. I'm tired of letting the rest of the world have it's way with me and saying nothing in opposition. I will not allow people to treat me badly for something I can't help. Try walking a mile in my shoes before you judge my life or my actions. I don't have to justify myself to anyone, I'm not ashamed of what I am. I am a transsexual woman, and I'm proud of what I've done with my life so far. I refuse to let anyone demean me for it, because unlike most people, I've worked hard to earn my right to call myself whatever gender I want.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Ramblings

Well I've had a few days since my little incident Thursday to clear my head a bit. I've come up with a few solutions so far. First of all, I'm going to use the rest of my 100mg spiro pills that I got offline. I'm going to take one of them a day with one of the 50mg pills they charged me so damn much for. That way I can make them both last longer. It's at least enough to last me 2-3 months at the dosage I'm on now. My only worry is that I'm mixing name brand and generic spiro. They're supposed to be the same thing, but I guess you never know what you can really trust. It's a risk I wouldn't normally take without talking to my doctor first, but drastic times call for drastic measures, I suppose. It's a risk I'm willing to take, I know if I go off them suddenly I go into withdrawal. More importantly it would be like throwing 9 months of work away. So that's my short term solution. Long term, I'm going to have to talk with my doctor about getting into some program that helps people who can't afford their meds. I saw some posters on the walls at the clinic when I was there last about something like that, so I'll have to see what she suggests. If she can't help me find a way to get them at a better cost, I'm going to have to go back to buying online. It won't be very dramatically less than what I'm paying now, but anything helps I guess. To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind right now. Ever since Thursday I've randomly been breaking down and crying. If it was anything else, it might not bother me this much, but it's my hormones that are being threatened. In my mind, they're what's keeping me alive right now. I can't physically, or mentally afford to stop HRT right now. I'd go crazy if my body reverted back to how it was. I can't live as a guy. I'm trying my best to overcome this obstacle, and I swear I will not quit. Transition or die trying! I actually feel like I'm dying right now. I've got a sore throat that started up last night, and now a headache, which I'm worried means I've got a fever. I do a feel kind of hot. I don't know, I'm loading up on all the oranges and green tea I can today. I'm scared to mix any OTC meds with my hormones, so I'm just going to have to ride it out I guess. Anyway, that's all, I can't write anymore. I think I'm going to go lay down.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Pissed the Fuck Off!

Ok the good times have officially ended. I went to get my prescriptions refilled today at walmart and they charged me $61.47. It was only $16 last time, it's supposed to be $4 per every 30 pills. I asked why the hell it went it up by so much, and apparently I've got 90 days worth of my t blocker. Who the hell only takes 50mg of aldactone at a time?! And the bastards only carry 50 mg pills, and I'm on 150mg. Even if they charged me double what the cost was for it last time it still wouldn't come out to that much. My god I could kill somebody right now. I even told them, no, I don't have insurance, and they still charged me that much. The hell if I'm going to pay that much every month for my t blockers alone. Well I guess now is the time to go out and get a full time job. At the rate things are going now, my part time stuff I'm doing just isn't going to make me enough. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do about this, I don't even have a prescription for estrogen yet, I'm still using what I got online. That's another 90 pills there if I get put on 3mg like my doctor wants. I may go back to buying online, I'm going to have to crunch some figures and try to see which way is going to cost me less. Yeah, I feel very exploited right now. I better talk to my doctor about this next time, I saw flyers on the wall about getting cheap prescriptions with some program. I don't know though, I just have a lot to figure out right now. It's not like I've got much much of a choice, either pay for the meds or don't get any. So I'd better get a job and work as much as I possibly can. I'm just really pissed off right now, I can't believe they're taking advantage of me like that when they claim to have cheap prescriptions. There's nothing cheap about paying over 60 bucks for a one months supply of meds. So much for walmart's claim to helping the uninsured, more like exploiting them if they're prescription has more than 30 pills per month. Just goes to show how much people care I guess. I mean yeah, my situation is a bit different than a lot of peoples. But still, there's got to be a lot of people out there, on meds who need to take more than 30 pills of one prescription per month. So I think I'm hardly alone in this. Oh well, I'm done writing. I'm off to either get a job or commit a crime, I'm swinging towards the job, but we'll see.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Just Thinking

I've been helping a few people lately who are just getting started with everything. I'm an administrator on a TG message board on vampire freaks, so I've got a bit of responsibility to answer questions, I suppose. It's been pretty rewarding actually, I guess I see a lot of myself in the people who come on there in search of answers to their gender issues. It's put a little strain on me to answer them, I've spent hours trying to think of the best responses to questions sometimes. As much extra stress as it puts on me, I feel like it's a good stress. It makes me look back on my own experiences, and in a way puts everything into perspective for me. It also gives me a feeling of accomplishment, like I'm now at the point where I can offer help, on some level, to people who are where I was with this only a year ago. It's hard, and heartbreaking at times, to give some of the advice I do. As much as I would like to be a TG therapist or counselor someday, it's not an easy thing to do. I may not personally know anyone that I've given advice to, but I guess I feel like I have the responsibility to give them the best advice I possibly can. I know when I started looking for the same thing before, that I looked up to the people who gave me advice. I knew that there was plenty of stuff to read out there. However, at the same time I realized talking to people was the best way to go. It always seems like you get more from talking to someone than reading about everything. What I realize is that I'm quite possibly the only TG person any of these people have ever talked to. From my own experience, I know that what I say is going to be a big influence on them. I still look up to my friend that helped me out with advice when I first got started. It hasn't discouraged me yet, but, I suppose, it makes me think twice about my answers to serious questions. I would still like to go into counseling, but I guess now it's all a matter of what I'm qualified to do.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Good Times

I would have wrote about this last night, but I was too exhausted when I got home to do much. So cutting to the chase, everything went pretty well at the clinic. My blood pressure was down to normal, my heart rate was up a bit though. Actually let me give the story leading up to all of this first. I finally figure out a couple weeks ago why my blood pressure was up. I wasn't paying close enough attention to how much sodium was in what I was eating every day as I should have been. When I started checking the backs of things I was thinking it's no wonder it was up. So, I drastically changed my diet to help with that. Also, my grandparents have one of those digital blood pressure things, so I used that to keep track of it. It's actually dropped down so much I was worried that it was too low. It was up to 120/80 when my doctor checked it, but it had gone as low as 90/59 when I checked it at home. I made sure to tell her that, so for now she wants me to keep taking the meds like I'm doing, and to keep track of my pressure and also my heart rate. Apparently it was up while I was there, so I'm going to keep track of all of that for the next month until I go back. I know the reason it was up, I always get a bit nervous in a doctors office, plus I had to pee like crazy and I was trying to hold it until my appointment was over. You wouldn't believe how scared I am to attempt to use a public restroom while I'm out dressed as a girl. Luckily the clinic had one, so no problems there. So, as of now, I just keep taking everything that I am at the same dosages and come back in a month to get my pressure checked. It's progress, small but not insignificant. Things are actually looking up for me a bit now. My grandparents have eased off their criticism, so it's been fairly calm around the house lately. It's like an uneasy acceptance, I suppose. I can tell they still don't think much of what I'm doing, but at least they're not putting me down for it at the moment. I'm happy with where things are headed right now. Times could be better, and they also could be worse, so I'm just enjoying a good time while it lasts. I know sooner or later life is going to get shitty again, so I might as well take the good times for all they're worth.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Reflecting

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about just how much I've done in the last few years. I suppose I should say how much progress I have made in my life though. This time two years ago, I would have never had the slightest idea that I would be doing anything I am now. Looking back I sometimes wonder what stood in my way for so long. I spent at least two years of my life prior to discovering that I'm TG on what I consider a real downward spiral. I had no direction to my life what so ever. Now, not even a year after getting on hormones, I feel like I have a real future ahead of me. Sure it's not the best one in the world, but compared to death, it's a real improvement. As much as I try to say that the meds I'm on haven't changed me, even I have to take notice of how much I've changed when I step back and really take a look at my life. I don't depend so much on other people for happiness the way I used to. Before I thought happiness would come from being with the right person, now I realize that I have to be happy with myself before I can be with anyone else. It's been about 8 months of nothing but redefining and learning to like myself. I say redefine because, who I was those few months ago, and who I am now are different in so many ways. In a way, I guess you can say that all of the pain and misery I've been through dealing with all of this, have made me a stronger person. Every day is something new, and this whole process has been the biggest learning experience of my life. Nothing it seems brings out the worst, or the best in people around you like this. I've learned who my real friends are, and said goodbye to some that I'm better off without. I'm taking risks I never dreamed I would take to make something happen. One might say that I've learned to appreciate life more, because I know what I'm doing could possibly kill me if anything goes wrong. Could it be that the thrill is what keeps me going? That thrill of going out in public and wondering if people think I'm a girl or not, or maybe just the feeling of attention when someone does realize what I am. Ah, yes, I'm sure that is one reason. I can't say for certain what exactly keeps me going with this though, so many reasons I'm sure I could never name them all. The thrill is right up there near the top of the list though. I'm pushing the boundaries of normal living in a way most people would never dream of doing with their own lives. I'm questioning things so basic about myself, that it rocks the very foundations of who I am. What normal person ever feels so strongly that they were born in the wrong body, that they're willing to possibly die in order to change it to fit them self? Talk about making a change in your life, I believe it's safe to say this change goes way beyond normal. There is nothing normal about what I'm doing. Define normal you say? Well maybe to you and me it's normal, but to your average person who has never met anyone like me, it isn't normal. It's anything but, and there are people out there who will love me or hate me for it. That's a fact of life I've learned in the most brutally honest ways possible. My life has never been destined to be normal, I suppose, but who the hell wants to be normal? As much of a challenge as my life is now, I welcome it. I vowed to transition or die trying, and I refuse to do anything but. I've made my first real lifetime commitment by doing this, and I have no one to let down but myself. That I can say without a doubt is what reminds me every day not to give up. I'm not forcing myself to do this, I'm begging myself to do it, to save my own life. I want to live, that's why I'm doing this, my number one reason for wanting to be a girl is to live, and not die by my own hand. For the first time in my life I want to live. I'm not fixated on how my life will end, but instead I'm making a new one for myself. I've recycled those old parts of myself worth keeping, and added new to them and created someone capable of living in this world. If that isn't proof enough of how much I have changed, I don't know what is. I'm not boasting of my changes, nor am I berating them. I suppose, I'm only writing this as a way to reflect on them. A small manifesto, if you will, of the changes in my life for the past year or so. It's not meant to say anything to anyone, yet it still says a lot. Take from it what you will, if anything at all, criticize me even, because I have no regrets for what I've done. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I'm looking forward to more.