Monday, December 31, 2007
What is it that I'm scared of? It just seems like lately I'm scared to do anything. I need to find a job, but for some reason I'm scared. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of getting rejected again, or maybe I'm scared of actually doing something right. I don't know! I keep telling myself that I need to do something if I ever want to be happy, but lately I've started to wonder if that will ever be possible. I'm lonely I guess. I feel so damn desperate it's ridiculous. I'm trying to do so much to make myself happy for once instead of worrying about other people, and what do I do, get sad because I'm not with anyone. I even joined some free dating website, that's how desperate I got to try and meet someone. So far everyone I've met either has a fetish for transsexuals, just wants to be friends, or has been so creeped out by me they never talked to me again. I'm scared to be with anyone, I'm truly scared of what might happen. I'm not so much scared that I'll be physically hurt, more like emotionally. I just don't think I can take another shitty break up. Is it bad to feel sad when I meet someone that might like me as more than a friend because I think they'll just use me? My heart has been broken too many times, I don't know if I can handle it again. All I seem to meet now are people that are turned on by a "chick with a dick" to put it in their words. That's not what I fucking am!!! I'm so sick of being called that! All I want is to be seen as a girl, not a guy wearing girls clothes, or a crossdresser. I guess that's just a stigma I'm stuck with though. I hate my life right now, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm going to the clinic now I'd probably be cutting again. I'm doing my best, I just hope my best is enough to get me where I want to be. I have a lot of issues to work past I guess, but that will come with time. I just have to survive for now, I'll worry about dying later.