Monday, December 31, 2007
Hard Learned Lessons
I would have wrote something sooner, but things have been kind of crazy around here lately. I got to go to the mall 3 times last week, so I was completely worn out by Saturday. Christmas was ok I guess. I still got some guy clothes from my grandparents, even though I had said not to give me any. Other than a shirt from my dad I didn't get any other clothes thankfully. I found a good coat and ordered it the other day online, only when it came I found out I should have ordered a medium and not a small. At least I can just take it to the closest Hot Topic and return it. I guess I'll just order another one in medium and return that one later. Not that having to return a coat is something so bad to me, but it just set off a lot of anxiety I was trying to keep under control. I'm learning the hard way what every girl gets a life time to learn. I had another break down last night, everything just got to me all at once I guess. I layed on my bed and cried for about an hour, it was one of those times where I did want to kill myself, but just couldn't bring myself to try anything. To be honest I don't think about killing myself any less now than I used to, I just don't act on those thoughts now. If I had done everything I was thinking I wanted to do to myself last night I'd be dead right now. It seems really stupid that something as small as buying clothes can set that off, but I guess I'm just under a lot of stress right now. Money is really tight, I have no job yet, and I'm still waiting for verdict basically from the clinic about the hormones. I can't do anything to make myself seem mentally unstable in any way and let them find out or I'm sure I'll lose what credibility I've already got. I guess that's about all the really important stuff that's been going on.