It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Hard Learned Lessons

I would have wrote something sooner, but things have been kind of crazy around here lately. I got to go to the mall 3 times last week, so I was completely worn out by Saturday. Christmas was ok I guess. I still got some guy clothes from my grandparents, even though I had said not to give me any. Other than a shirt from my dad I didn't get any other clothes thankfully. I found a good coat and ordered it the other day online, only when it came I found out I should have ordered a medium and not a small. At least I can just take it to the closest Hot Topic and return it. I guess I'll just order another one in medium and return that one later. Not that having to return a coat is something so bad to me, but it just set off a lot of anxiety I was trying to keep under control. I'm learning the hard way what every girl gets a life time to learn. I had another break down last night, everything just got to me all at once I guess. I layed on my bed and cried for about an hour, it was one of those times where I did want to kill myself, but just couldn't bring myself to try anything. To be honest I don't think about killing myself any less now than I used to, I just don't act on those thoughts now. If I had done everything I was thinking I wanted to do to myself last night I'd be dead right now. It seems really stupid that something as small as buying clothes can set that off, but I guess I'm just under a lot of stress right now. Money is really tight, I have no job yet, and I'm still waiting for verdict basically from the clinic about the hormones. I can't do anything to make myself seem mentally unstable in any way and let them find out or I'm sure I'll lose what credibility I've already got. I guess that's about all the really important stuff that's been going on.

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