It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman, and everyday life in general. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that transgender people face every day.
What is it that I'm scared of? It just seems like lately I'm scared to do anything. I need to find a job, but for some reason I'm scared. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of getting rejected again, or maybe I'm scared of actually doing something right. I don't know! I keep telling myself that I need to do something if I ever want to be happy, but lately I've started to wonder if that will ever be possible. I'm lonely I guess. I feel so damn desperate it's ridiculous. I'm trying to do so much to make myself happy for once instead of worrying about other people, and what do I do, get sad because I'm not with anyone. I even joined some free dating website, that's how desperate I got to try and meet someone. So far everyone I've met either has a fetish for transsexuals, just wants to be friends, or has been so creeped out by me they never talked to me again. I'm scared to be with anyone, I'm truly scared of what might happen. I'm not so much scared that I'll be physically hurt, more like emotionally. I just don't think I can take another shitty break up. Is it bad to feel sad when I meet someone that might like me as more than a friend because I think they'll just use me? My heart has been broken too many times, I don't know if I can handle it again. All I seem to meet now are people that are turned on by a "chick with a dick" to put it in their words. That's not what I fucking am!!! I'm so sick of being called that! All I want is to be seen as a girl, not a guy wearing girls clothes, or a crossdresser. I guess that's just a stigma I'm stuck with though. I hate my life right now, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm going to the clinic now I'd probably be cutting again. I'm doing my best, I just hope my best is enough to get me where I want to be. I have a lot of issues to work past I guess, but that will come with time. I just have to survive for now, I'll worry about dying later.
I would have wrote something sooner, but things have been kind of crazy around here lately. I got to go to the mall 3 times last week, so I was completely worn out by Saturday. Christmas was ok I guess. I still got some guy clothes from my grandparents, even though I had said not to give me any. Other than a shirt from my dad I didn't get any other clothes thankfully. I found a good coat and ordered it the other day online, only when it came I found out I should have ordered a medium and not a small. At least I can just take it to the closest Hot Topic and return it. I guess I'll just order another one in medium and return that one later. Not that having to return a coat is something so bad to me, but it just set off a lot of anxiety I was trying to keep under control. I'm learning the hard way what every girl gets a life time to learn. I had another break down last night, everything just got to me all at once I guess. I layed on my bed and cried for about an hour, it was one of those times where I did want to kill myself, but just couldn't bring myself to try anything. To be honest I don't think about killing myself any less now than I used to, I just don't act on those thoughts now. If I had done everything I was thinking I wanted to do to myself last night I'd be dead right now. It seems really stupid that something as small as buying clothes can set that off, but I guess I'm just under a lot of stress right now. Money is really tight, I have no job yet, and I'm still waiting for verdict basically from the clinic about the hormones. I can't do anything to make myself seem mentally unstable in any way and let them find out or I'm sure I'll lose what credibility I've already got. I guess that's about all the really important stuff that's been going on.
So far it hasn't been too bad. I got to go with my mom to my aunts today, and we went to the mall and I got my Christmas money so I'm happy. I got to go to Hot Topic and get some stuff that I've wanted for a while. Now my aunt knows where to shop for me at least. It was fun, I like going to see my aunt, and it was the first Christmas I got to spend with all the few people in my family I really care about together. I got another shock tonight, my grandparents actually asked if I wanted to open my presents before Christmas morning. I got a bunch of money like I asked for so I should be able to afford some new clothes. I don't really want to wear the same thing to the clinic every time if I can help it. I found a really nice coat on the Hot Topic website, it's like 54 bucks but since I've got a little extra money I might as well go ahead and get it. This time of year is pretty depressing for me usually. I always seem to get a lot of stuff that I don't want or need. I got some clothes already, all guy clothes, but at least it was only a few. Mostly I got what I want, but I guess it just sucks not really being able to open up to everyone about this. I still haven't told my dad and I know I need to some time soon. I started a letter but I honestly have no clue how word it. I'm doing the best I can, it's getting there, slowly, but better late than never I guess.
I finally went out in public dressed up for the first time last night. My friend got me some clothes as a Christmas present so I actually had something worth wearing. It wasn't totally public I guess since I did wear my coat to cover myself up a little and didn't even have any make up on until I got to the clinic. I'm not sure but I think people could tell anyway, maybe it was the pants that gave me away. Someone in Burger King told me I had pretty hands so at least I got complimented if they noticed. My friends did my make up in the car before we went into the clinic. I didn't feel as awkward around people this time, I guess I felt like I fit in a little better. I was still pretty nervous considering it was my first time, but I'm glad I did it. I want to go like that every time now. It wasn't some magical moment or anything, but it felt good just to be me for once publicly and not have to hide anything. I went back with one of the people in charge of the TG clinic and got pretty much all the important paper work done. It was mostly just signing wavers to say that I understand the risks and agree to follow their rules with things. It wasn't really anything I hadn't heard before, but I found out I'm probably going to have to pay some money to get the hormones. I can come there and get the prescription and everything free, but I've got to pay myself to get it filled at a pharmacy. I guess I'm going to have to see if my insurance might cover it, possibly. I'll have to talk with my therapist about that at my next appointment. Things aren't as easy as I was hoping for, but I'm too close to getting help to turn back now. I've been on hormones that I got myself for almost 6 months now so there's no way I'm giving up. I've been out in public as a girl now, and I took everything that came my way, even a few insults behind my back. I'm getting there, it may be a bit slow coming, but I will make all this happen. I'd rather die than spend the rest of my life as a guy, so I think it's pretty clear what I have to do.
I got to talk with my therapist some today about writting the letter for me. That went pretty well, just my grandparents had to butt in first and say they wanted to come back too. They're using everything they can think of right now to make me look bad. All they did was try to tell me what I think, and accuse me of more shit that I didn't do. First they don't know what goes on in my head, secondly it's none of their business what I do with my life. It really pisses me off when they think that I owe them so much just because they raised me. I mean sorry if I don't show enough appreciation, but I've got my own life to live as best I can. They're just hoping something comes along to make me change my mind or not be able to go through with everything. Fuck them, I asked for nothing but support and I guess that was too much to ask of them. If I'm lucky I should get to go to my appointment tuesday dressed up. My friend decided to buy me clothes as a Christmas present. The only thing is I'm going to have to change here, so I'll end up walking out of here within their sight. I was kind of scared and nervous about that before now, but after today I actually look forward to seeing their reaction. I'm so tired of caring what their opinion of me is. I don't know what it is they want from me, but I'm pretty sure I can't give it to them. If I'm destined to just be one big disappointment to this family, then so be it. I'd rather be a happy, and alive disappointment than do everything just to please them and be miserable.
I got a call yesterday afternoon from the clinic asking if I could come in today at 6:30 to do all the paper work. Needless to say I told them I would have to find out if I could make it and call them back. Thus began my frantic hour of calling first my mom and then my friend seeing if anyone could take me. My mom couldn't for some reason, and my friend has to work, but luckily she has next tuesday off. So I ended up making the appointment for next tuesday instead of today. I'm pretty annoyed though since they neglected to inform me last week when I was there that I would need to make a seperate appointment to do the paperwork. They had me under the impression that I was doing that at my appointment next month. Oh well I'm not going to dwell on being upset, at least this means things are moving faster. I'm hoping it might get me my meds next month since I'm supposed to meet with the doctor then. It's all kind of stressing me out a little, but it's worth it I guess.
I've had some time now to let my head clear after everything. I'm still pretty happy and excited about finally getting help from a doctor. It just feels so good to know that I have some real options with all this now. I loved it at that place too. I didn't really talk much to any of the other people like me that were there, but it just great to be around them if nothing else. I just felt like I was finally somewhere I belonged I guess. I'm more sure than I've ever been now that I'm doing the right thing. It's kind of scary to think about everything yet to come, but I know what I have to do. I'm gaining more confidence in myself all the time now. My friend says she is buying me clothes for Christmas, and I'm going dressed as a girl next time. I guess that's as good a place as any to get out in public for the first time. I won't have to worry about anyone judging me since everyone else there will be like me too. I've got an appointment to talk to my therapist Friday. Hopefully I can talk to her about writing that letter for me. To be honest I want to tell her all about Tuesday. I'm a little disappointed that I can't go back before January 15th, but it'll be worth the wait if I can get help from it. I should get to meet with the doctor and fill out all the paperwork next time, so it's looking good so far.
After making a few wrong turns and missing the right one, me and my friend finally made it to the clinic. The appointment was shorter than I expected. I just talked to the person doing the psychological evaluation and answered whatever questions she asked me. In the end though she said that she considers me to be a good candidate for getting into the TG program and getting help. All I have to do is get my therapist to email the doctor a letter saying that she understands what I've been doing and will be doing. So right now I'm only 1 letter away from getting help. My next appointment isn't until january 15th but it'll be worth the wait if I can get what I want. I should get to talk to a doctor about everything next time. I actually got to meet one person and got their contact info for online. Just waiting room chat I guess you'd call it lol. It was pretty fun just waiting though. I was a little nervous but it felt good to be around other TG people. They were a lot more open and self confident than I am right now, but I guess I'm working my way up to that a little at a time. I'm just so happy right now. I can't believe I'm actually going to help for free. I think I'm going to like going there for help, everyone seems really nice and careing. This is one time in my life I can honestly say I can't wait to go to the doctor again.
Tomorrow is the big day. I've got a therapy appointment at 2:30 and then at 6:30 I get my psychological evaluation. Hopfully that will eventually get me hormones. It's been crazy just trying to find a way to get there. My friend is taking me, then last night she calls and says shes been grounded so she can't take me. Then I call my mom and beg her to take me, and once she agrees to do it my friend tells me her mom is letting her take me. I haven't been able to get my mom on the phone all day, so I haven't been able to tell her yet that I don't need her to take me. Oh well I guess I'm just happy that it all worked out some way. I've been really stressed out over going. Just knowing what I'm getting myself into is a bit daunting. I'm nervous, but I haven't been scared away so far. I just have to be persistent about this stuff if I want to get it done. I've come a long way in a year and a half, and I'm kind of proud of myself just for getting this far to tell the truth. There's so much more to do, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be I guess.
My name is Sage, and I'm just a young trans-woman trying to get by in this world. I started this blog to write about my life and what goes on in it, and to talk about whatever I feel applies to it at times. Keep reading if it interests you. I plan to update as frequently as possible. If you send me friend requests on any of my sites, please send a message and mention my blog in it so I don't accidentally ignore it.
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My transgender group on vampire freaks.
This a personal blog, as such it contains the thoughts and opinions of the author alone. By no means are the statements made herein meant to defame, or do harm to anyone. To ensure this, names and personal information of those who have not given explicit permission to the author to use will be omitted to ensure privacy. The author assumes no responsibility for use by others of any information contained on this site or those linked to it. This statement is effective as of 6 May 2011.