It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


I suppose I'll give a little explanation of what this blog is about before anything else. Mainly I want to write it to give anyone the opportunity to see life through the eyes of a transsexual. I feel that not enough people in the world know what we go through each and every day, so this is my attempt to make my voice be heard. It is my hope to give an idea of day to day life for someone like me to everyone else. You won't necessarily see posts from me every day, (believe me, I'd bored you to death) but I will post as often as I feel I need to. It's also my hope to let anyone that reads this and is possibly struggling with many of the same issues know that they're not alone.

I think I'll give you a little background on myself now. I've known that I wanted to be a girl since I was about 5 or 6. I tried on my first article of women's clothing when I was around 7. After that it was like I was hooked or something. I crossdressed for most of my life in secret. There were many close calls, and times clothes were found in my room, but I always denied everything when questioned about them. This is what most of my life as a kid was like. I would wait for any opportunity to steal some clothes. I'd stay home alone as often as I could so I could dress up. At the time I had no idea why I wanted to do these things. There was a certain amount of sexual relief from it by the time I hit my teens, but I can't say that was, or still is my primary reason for doing it.

I spent my childhood, and most of my teen years, suppressing and denying this. There are many times I recall when I got rid of any clothes I had, or didn't try to find anymore once the ones I had were taken away. Every time I told myself no more, this is over, I'm going to stop. I thought I was a real freak. In my mind I was the only person in the world doing this, and it had to be wrong. It was like this constant battle for possession of my soul by this urge to be a girl. The older I got the stronger that feeling became.

Just before Christmas 2003, all of my girl clothes I had were secretly taken while I was at school. I got home and they were just gone, no one said a word to me this time about it. I was devastated, but at the same time I decided then and there that it was time to stop this for good. I can look back with regret on that decision knowing what I do now. This began what can only be described as the worst years of my life.

By January of 04 I was cutting myself with my pocket knives, and any other sharp objects I could obtain. It only got worse as time went on. I tried to start dating at this time too. I had only recently gotten my first computer, and turned to Internet dating as my medium, so to speak. It never lasted with anyone, and my self injury only got worse as I got dumped, and turned down. When June rolled around I felt like I had had enough. I didn't attribute it to the suppression of my transsexual feelings, but all I knew was that I was so unhappy for some reason that I didn't want to live anymore.

I got some twine out of the shed in our backyard, and went out into the woods. I tied a noose with it as best I could, and threw it over the nearest low hanging tree branch I could find. I just stood there for a second wondering if I really should do it, and then I just let my legs go limp. Everything went black in a few seconds, the next thing I remember is a faint memory of falling in which everything seemed to be blurry, and black and white. Then I'm on the ground shaking uncontrollably, and I sat up wondering whether I was alive or dead. After I came to my senses more I realized the rope I used had broken. I also found that I had cut my back on something when I fell.

Needless to say I had to go to the hospital to get stitches for that. I lied the whole time about the cause. Everyone bought my excuse, and I was back home in time for school the next day. As the days went on I became severely depressed. I was scared to even try to kill myself again. My self injury only increased in it's frequency and ferocity. I make as many cuts on my arms as I could, and then watch the blood drip from my shoulder to my finger tips. I had graduated to razor blades by this time, so I was only increasing the danger level of what I was doing.

In November after I was dumped again by another Internet girlfriend, I attempted to overdose on some pills. I never took more that 9 before I got scared and stopped. Somehow it was found out that I had done this, and I was sent to a mental hospital for 4 days. It certainly didn't help me at all, and only made me hide my self destructive acts better.

Most of 2005 was about the same, minus the suicide attempts of course. I consider that a year where my life just seemed to stagnate. I did get to meet my mother though. My parents divorced when I was about 3, and my grandparents had custody of me since. She wasn't allowed to see me until I turned 18, but luckily I got to meet her sooner than that. I'd consider meeting her again one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Around April of 2006, I decided to look up crossdressing online for some reason. Call it a spontaneous decision. I consider it one of the best decisions I've ever made. I learned that I wasn't alone, and that there were people out there who could help me. I accepted this about myself after that. I only admitted to being a crossdresser at the time, but it was definitely a step in the right direction.

I told my mom, and she accepted me like I was, and even helped me get some clothes. Around September I realized I wanted more out of life than just wearing women's clothes. I wanted to be one. It was a real revelation for me I guess you can say. I had to finally admit something to myself that I had hidden at all costs throughout my life.

I got in touch with people online, looked up information that might help me, and still I did nothing. I was terrified of what people would do if they knew about me. It scared the hell out of me to trust any doctor with something as complicated as this. Even after talking with people like me, I was still suppressing my feelings to a certain degree. I started drinking around the end of the year, trying to numb myself to all the harsh realities I realized I was going to have to face with this. For a while I was cutting and drinking at the same time (not a good combination by the way).

It went on that way until early this year when I met someone only a few years older than me, who had already gone through what I was about to. She gave me all the guidance I needed, and most importantly a friend that was in the same situation. She has since become like a big sister to me, and I don't know what I would have ever done without having met her.

Around May I decided it was time to take some action, and help myself. With my friend's advice I finally ordered the hormones I needed online. I consider this my first real step towards transitions. I've been on them for nearly 6 months now, and I don't regret for a second bypassing doctors to begin this. I do however feel at this time that I need to find a doctor to help me. That is my reason for writing this blog

I am now planning to attempt to find a doctor that is willing to help me. I'm going to use this blog as my way of showing the rest of the world just what it's like to deal with life as a transsexual. I will post about what happens to me along the way, and keep everyone updated as much as possible. It is my hope that I can open the eyes of more people to this. There is so little done to help us that this is my only way to plee for help, if you will. So keep reading, I'll be sure to post more later. Until next time, that's all.

After note: A full version of my story can be found here

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Sage,

read your intro and see a happy ending for you despite all of the misery. I'm glad you are finding your way. please find a doc to monitor you hrt. I've been on hrt for only about 5 months now and have had some medical issues already...would be scared if I had to administer it myself.
take care...nice site.