It looks like I'll actually be able to get out of the house for a while today. I'm going to Gloucester with my mom. Once again the ever present question of how much is too much with what girl things I wear. I can usually get away with dark eyeliner and stuff. Not that anyone ever says anything against me for it, it's just I see the people that stare at me when I'm in public. I say I like attention so let them stare, but at the same time it's like being under a microscope.
The more girlish I dress in public without completely looking the part, the more stares I get. My friends even took me into a store at the mall a few months ago to try on dresses, and the first thing the sales person says to me is "is this a joke?". When we tell her no it's not she had the nerve to ask if I was going to buy them if I tried them on. I still did, but I felt so uncomfortable after a few minutes I just had to leave.
Something as simple as trying on clothes becomes something to fear when you go public. I've got a cool new hat and a purse, but I'm scared to even leave the house with them in sight. I know you're thinking so what do it anyway, fuck what other people think. I do say that, and I try to live up to it, but it's just not that easy. I out myself a lot that way, and it might make me feel better in the end, but with all the sick people out there, at the same time it can put me in danger. Transgendered people are killed all the time. Not like anyone gives a damn about us. I think it says a lot that so many deaths involving people like me are unsolved.
These are my every day concerns. If it seems a bit overwhelming, that's because it is. When you're in my situation though, you learn to live with it as best you can. You have to deal with society as best you can and hope it doesn't eat you alive.
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