It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Can't Sleep

As the title says I can't sleep. It's 3 in the morning and I'm all too often finding myself still awake at this hour lately. Maybe I have too much on my mind, but I won't waste my time analyzing myself. I've had insomnia for years, so I guess I should be used to it by now.

My friend will hopefully be able to take me to the free clinic next tuesday. I haven't called or anything yet, but she would if she had the day off from work. If not I may have to wait until my mom can take me. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but I'm hoping this is my lucky break to get some help with this.

I didn't post earlier tonight because I was too busy working on a poem. Here's a copy of it for you to see.


today's cuts turn to scars of my past,
my body is a ruin, it wasn't built to last.
no matter what I do, I can't seem to hold myself together.
I'm coming apart at the seems and I don't know what to do.
every day it seems I wake up wanting to die; any death would do.
if cowards die many times before their deaths,
surely cowardice runs deep in me.
I'm suffocating, I feel trapped, trapped in a body that I hate.
the colors are all gone, no tears are left to cry.
the little crimson dancers are dancing down my arms,
and with this I'll say my last goodbye.
I'm sorry I broke all my promises, or that I couldn't survive.
my life was lies, I didn't even try.
I killed me, but it was the only way, for I just couldn't stay.

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