About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman who also happens to have bipolar disorder. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that myself and others like me, face every day.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I Did It

I finally got an appointment for the TG clinic earlier. I called again and left another message with the same doctor from monday and got a call back this time. I've got an appointment for next Tuesday at 6:30 to get a psycological evaluation. It's not hormone therapy, but it's definately a step towards that. I'm just so happy right now, I can't believe I actually made it this far. I guess being persistent really pays off with this stuff. I've called every day since Monday, and finally got something out of it. Anyway sorry to cut this short, I'm just too excited to write a lot right now.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Frustrated

Today has been frustrating to say the least. I tried calling the clinic again. This time all I got was a recording saying to stay on the line and wait for a receptionist, dial an extension number, or to call another number to make an appointment. So I tried calling the number to make an appointment and I actually got a person on the line. I asked to speak to someone about the transgender clinic and then I was told to call the other number back and dial an extension. Yet again I got a doctors voice mail. I actually left my name this time, but I still haven't gotten a call back even though I said in my message to please call me back as soon as possible. This is really getting on my nerves. I want to talk to a fucking doctor not leave a message. I guess I'll have to keep trying until I get someone. I just feel like I'm being ignored right now. The sad thing is I have no other options but this place. Why has it got to be so hard to get any help with this?

Progress

I finally called that clinic today. I'm not sure if you'd call what I did progress or forgetfulness. I called and asked for the transgender clinic, but the doctor in charge of it wasn't in at the time. I left a voice mail and I asked to talk to him about making an appointment and left my number. The only problem is I completely forgot to leave my name. I feel so stupid. He was supposed to call me back, but I never got one today. I guess I'm just going to wait a day or 2 and see if he calls or not. I'm kind of proud of myself just for calling even. Hopfully I'll get what I want out of this. I just thought I'd leave an update about things.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving

Today actually went better than I was expecting it to. At first I thought I was going to spend Thanksgiving home alone with nothing to do, but my mom called and woke me up at like 7 and asked if I wanted to go to my aunts. So I got to spend part of the day with my 2 aunts and my grandpa. This is actually the cool side of my family, so I actually enjoy being around them. I got to talk with my aunt about things that have been going on with me, and just hang out there for a while. Everyone in my mom's family knows all about me and don't care, so I feel a lot more comfortable around them.

I skipped out going to my other aunts house for dinner last night with my grandparents. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings, I just feel uneasy around them in the past few years. It just seems to me that I'm always being judged by them I guess. Not to say anything about my dad's side of the family, but they're just not really on the same communication level as me. I like to speak my mind about things, but I know around them I can't do that.

Anyway, just thought I'd update a little. I've been pretty depressed the last few days, so today kind of cheered me up a bit. I found out my aunt actually knows a couple of the doctors that work at that clinic I'm hoping to go to. She even said if I ever need any help with things to let her know, so I know that my mom and her family are the ones that care about me the most. They haven't judged me at all, and they get a lot of respect from me for that.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Can't Sleep

As the title says I can't sleep. It's 3 in the morning and I'm all too often finding myself still awake at this hour lately. Maybe I have too much on my mind, but I won't waste my time analyzing myself. I've had insomnia for years, so I guess I should be used to it by now.

My friend will hopefully be able to take me to the free clinic next tuesday. I haven't called or anything yet, but she would if she had the day off from work. If not I may have to wait until my mom can take me. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but I'm hoping this is my lucky break to get some help with this.

I didn't post earlier tonight because I was too busy working on a poem. Here's a copy of it for you to see.


Ruin

today's cuts turn to scars of my past,
my body is a ruin, it wasn't built to last.
no matter what I do, I can't seem to hold myself together.
I'm coming apart at the seems and I don't know what to do.
every day it seems I wake up wanting to die; any death would do.
if cowards die many times before their deaths,
surely cowardice runs deep in me.
I'm suffocating, I feel trapped, trapped in a body that I hate.
the colors are all gone, no tears are left to cry.
the little crimson dancers are dancing down my arms,
and with this I'll say my last goodbye.
I'm sorry I broke all my promises, or that I couldn't survive.
my life was lies, I didn't even try.
I killed me, but it was the only way, for I just couldn't stay.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Just One of Those Days

I would have posted yesterday, but I was having one of those days where all my problems seem to be in my head at once. It hasn't been as bad today though. Depression is just something I have to deal with I guess. I don't know if it's just me, but sometimes it seems like the smallest stupidest little things can set it off. To give an example, something like shaving can cause it. I guess it's mostly the little every day things that get to me the most. It's feels almost like my body taunts me so to speak. It reminds me every day of what I'm not.

I'm still feeling that way today, but I guess there's really no avoiding it. I got some good news at least, my aunt told my cousins about me and they didn't seem to have a problem with it. That's about the only good thing I have to say about today. Life in general just sucks for me right now. I have no job, which means no income, so I'm living off of what I've got while I'm trying to find a new job. It's all just so overwhelming sometimes. I wonder pretty often if I'll even make everything I'm planning happen.

People just don't seem to want to hire me around here. Even before the whole transsexual thing it was like I wasn't good enough for anywhere I applied. I mean I've applied to jobs that I was not only qualified to do, but over qualified, and I still didn't get them. Now it's just even harder. Sure I can just not say anything about it at whatever job I can manage to get, but eventually it will come up. I just wish I knew an easier way to make everything happen. I'm fighting an uphill battle with all this, I just hope I can come out on top in the end.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Every Day Concerns

It looks like I'll actually be able to get out of the house for a while today. I'm going to Gloucester with my mom. Once again the ever present question of how much is too much with what girl things I wear. I can usually get away with dark eyeliner and stuff. Not that anyone ever says anything against me for it, it's just I see the people that stare at me when I'm in public. I say I like attention so let them stare, but at the same time it's like being under a microscope.

The more girlish I dress in public without completely looking the part, the more stares I get. My friends even took me into a store at the mall a few months ago to try on dresses, and the first thing the sales person says to me is "is this a joke?". When we tell her no it's not she had the nerve to ask if I was going to buy them if I tried them on. I still did, but I felt so uncomfortable after a few minutes I just had to leave.

Something as simple as trying on clothes becomes something to fear when you go public. I've got a cool new hat and a purse, but I'm scared to even leave the house with them in sight. I know you're thinking so what do it anyway, fuck what other people think. I do say that, and I try to live up to it, but it's just not that easy. I out myself a lot that way, and it might make me feel better in the end, but with all the sick people out there, at the same time it can put me in danger. Transgendered people are killed all the time. Not like anyone gives a damn about us. I think it says a lot that so many deaths involving people like me are unsolved.

These are my every day concerns. If it seems a bit overwhelming, that's because it is. When you're in my situation though, you learn to live with it as best you can. You have to deal with society as best you can and hope it doesn't eat you alive.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Flaws in the System

Since nothing very exciting happened today I think I'll give an overview of my situation. As of now I've been self medicating myself with hormones for close to 5 months. I've seen noticeable results, but I'm still only taking a low dosage. By all means I should double the dose I'm taking, but I can't afford to buy them anymore frequently than I do now. It costs me $230 per order to get enough, because hormone replacement therapy is not covered by most medical insurance in this country.

While we're on the subject of insurance, it won't in fact cover any of what I'm about to do. I would honestly be lucky to get my insurance to cover the cost of hormones. According to most insurance companies gender reassignment is not necessary. Tell that to the 35% of us that commit suicide because they have nowhere else to turn.

The medical system of this country seems to be fine with exploiting us for money. Anything a transsexual needs done comes at a cost, and usually a high one. My hormones may not be much alone but it's just one of many things I have to pay for out of my own pocket to get this done. Unless you're rich being transsexual pretty much sucks. You can eventually be happy, but it comes at a high cost both financially and socially.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

If at First You Don't Succeed...

It seemed like the world was out to get me in some way today. We were less than a mile from out house when a overturned log truck was blocking the intersection we needed to turn at. I was half an hour late for my appointment, and I got into an argument with my grandparents while we were waiting. My grandma seems to think for some reason that I was abused in some way as a child, and that that's the reason I'm transsexual. I was not abused when I was a child, nor does anyone but my grandma think so.

Once we finally got there we had another argument in my therapists office. I talked to them about trying to find a doctor. I asked nothing more of them than to give me a ride to the places I've been able to find. They're refusing to so much as do that for me. Really shows how much they care huh? Luckily my friend already offered to give me a ride to once place as long as I pitch in some gas money. Hopefully my mom will be able to give me a ride to a free clinic in Richmond that works with TG people.

I've managed to find several options of places to go, but wether or not my insurance will cover me I don't know. It's one big if about all this. That's all I can really say when I go to any of these places. I'm hoping for a lucky break nearly every place I go asking for help. The medical system of this country really sucks. I'll kill myself before I grow old as a man. If that's not a good enough reason to help me, then I don't know what is.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Tomorrow

Well I have another therapy session to go to tomorrow. I'm hoping to talk about finding a doctor, but that is if my grandparents don't butt in too much. I told them about myself back in September, and doesn't seem to have sunk in enough with them yet. They've told me outright that they're ashamed of me, and don't understand what I'm doing. They say they're willing to accept it just to give them time, well it's been over 2 months and they're still no closer to that. I even got a book for them to read that's made for family members to read to help them understand and they refuse to read it. In all honesty I don't think they ever will accept it.

Tomorrow my main goal is to talk with my therapist about doctors. I've found several in the area that I know are qualified to prescribe hormones, it's all a matter of convincing them to help me. At the same time I have to hope that one of them is even willing to help me. The reason I've waited this long to look for a doctor is because I know all too often people like me are turned away when they ask for help. I'm not sure what if any resistance I'm going to encounter, but I'm ready to keep trying until I find someone that will help.

Pretty much what I need to do is find a doctor that's willing to help, then get another therapists opinion about me. I know they'll want someone that's had experience dealing with other people like me. So I've been looking up every place in the state that deals with transsexuals. I've found a few places and people, but not many. I'm not even sure if my insurance will cover this even if I can get shrinks to say I need the meds to help me.

Right now my best option is to get at least 2 shrinks to say that I have a mental illness and that I need the meds to treat it if I want insurance to possibly cover it at all. I resent calling this a mental illness, but hell, if it gets me help I will. I consider my body the problem, not my head. Unfortunately I'll be lucky to even get hormones covered. I know nothing else involving surgery would be covered.

So my status right now is I'm unemployed, living at home with my grandparents. I have no drivers license, and limited financial means to make any of this happen. I'm looking for a job and at the same time hopeing to find someone that can help me. So my situation isn't exactly ideal. I hate how the medical community seems to do nothing but take advantage of us financially. Everything comes with a cost attached. The saying that money can't buy happiness does not apply anymore to me. That's about all for now, I'll post some more tomorrow about how everything goes.

Intro

I suppose I'll give a little explanation of what this blog is about before anything else. Mainly I want to write it to give anyone the opportunity to see life through the eyes of a transsexual. I feel that not enough people in the world know what we go through each and every day, so this is my attempt to make my voice be heard. It is my hope to give an idea of day to day life for someone like me to everyone else. You won't necessarily see posts from me every day, (believe me, I'd bored you to death) but I will post as often as I feel I need to. It's also my hope to let anyone that reads this and is possibly struggling with many of the same issues know that they're not alone.

I think I'll give you a little background on myself now. I've known that I wanted to be a girl since I was about 5 or 6. I tried on my first article of women's clothing when I was around 7. After that it was like I was hooked or something. I crossdressed for most of my life in secret. There were many close calls, and times clothes were found in my room, but I always denied everything when questioned about them. This is what most of my life as a kid was like. I would wait for any opportunity to steal some clothes. I'd stay home alone as often as I could so I could dress up. At the time I had no idea why I wanted to do these things. There was a certain amount of sexual relief from it by the time I hit my teens, but I can't say that was, or still is my primary reason for doing it.

I spent my childhood, and most of my teen years, suppressing and denying this. There are many times I recall when I got rid of any clothes I had, or didn't try to find anymore once the ones I had were taken away. Every time I told myself no more, this is over, I'm going to stop. I thought I was a real freak. In my mind I was the only person in the world doing this, and it had to be wrong. It was like this constant battle for possession of my soul by this urge to be a girl. The older I got the stronger that feeling became.

Just before Christmas 2003, all of my girl clothes I had were secretly taken while I was at school. I got home and they were just gone, no one said a word to me this time about it. I was devastated, but at the same time I decided then and there that it was time to stop this for good. I can look back with regret on that decision knowing what I do now. This began what can only be described as the worst years of my life.

By January of 04 I was cutting myself with my pocket knives, and any other sharp objects I could obtain. It only got worse as time went on. I tried to start dating at this time too. I had only recently gotten my first computer, and turned to Internet dating as my medium, so to speak. It never lasted with anyone, and my self injury only got worse as I got dumped, and turned down. When June rolled around I felt like I had had enough. I didn't attribute it to the suppression of my transsexual feelings, but all I knew was that I was so unhappy for some reason that I didn't want to live anymore.

I got some twine out of the shed in our backyard, and went out into the woods. I tied a noose with it as best I could, and threw it over the nearest low hanging tree branch I could find. I just stood there for a second wondering if I really should do it, and then I just let my legs go limp. Everything went black in a few seconds, the next thing I remember is a faint memory of falling in which everything seemed to be blurry, and black and white. Then I'm on the ground shaking uncontrollably, and I sat up wondering whether I was alive or dead. After I came to my senses more I realized the rope I used had broken. I also found that I had cut my back on something when I fell.

Needless to say I had to go to the hospital to get stitches for that. I lied the whole time about the cause. Everyone bought my excuse, and I was back home in time for school the next day. As the days went on I became severely depressed. I was scared to even try to kill myself again. My self injury only increased in it's frequency and ferocity. I make as many cuts on my arms as I could, and then watch the blood drip from my shoulder to my finger tips. I had graduated to razor blades by this time, so I was only increasing the danger level of what I was doing.

In November after I was dumped again by another Internet girlfriend, I attempted to overdose on some pills. I never took more that 9 before I got scared and stopped. Somehow it was found out that I had done this, and I was sent to a mental hospital for 4 days. It certainly didn't help me at all, and only made me hide my self destructive acts better.

Most of 2005 was about the same, minus the suicide attempts of course. I consider that a year where my life just seemed to stagnate. I did get to meet my mother though. My parents divorced when I was about 3, and my grandparents had custody of me since. She wasn't allowed to see me until I turned 18, but luckily I got to meet her sooner than that. I'd consider meeting her again one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Around April of 2006, I decided to look up crossdressing online for some reason. Call it a spontaneous decision. I consider it one of the best decisions I've ever made. I learned that I wasn't alone, and that there were people out there who could help me. I accepted this about myself after that. I only admitted to being a crossdresser at the time, but it was definitely a step in the right direction.

I told my mom, and she accepted me like I was, and even helped me get some clothes. Around September I realized I wanted more out of life than just wearing women's clothes. I wanted to be one. It was a real revelation for me I guess you can say. I had to finally admit something to myself that I had hidden at all costs throughout my life.

I got in touch with people online, looked up information that might help me, and still I did nothing. I was terrified of what people would do if they knew about me. It scared the hell out of me to trust any doctor with something as complicated as this. Even after talking with people like me, I was still suppressing my feelings to a certain degree. I started drinking around the end of the year, trying to numb myself to all the harsh realities I realized I was going to have to face with this. For a while I was cutting and drinking at the same time (not a good combination by the way).

It went on that way until early this year when I met someone only a few years older than me, who had already gone through what I was about to. She gave me all the guidance I needed, and most importantly a friend that was in the same situation. She has since become like a big sister to me, and I don't know what I would have ever done without having met her.

Around May I decided it was time to take some action, and help myself. With my friend's advice I finally ordered the hormones I needed online. I consider this my first real step towards transitions. I've been on them for nearly 6 months now, and I don't regret for a second bypassing doctors to begin this. I do however feel at this time that I need to find a doctor to help me. That is my reason for writing this blog

I am now planning to attempt to find a doctor that is willing to help me. I'm going to use this blog as my way of showing the rest of the world just what it's like to deal with life as a transsexual. I will post about what happens to me along the way, and keep everyone updated as much as possible. It is my hope that I can open the eyes of more people to this. There is so little done to help us that this is my only way to plee for help, if you will. So keep reading, I'll be sure to post more later. Until next time, that's all.

After note: A full version of my story can be found here