About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman, and everyday life in general. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that transgender people face every day.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Rantings

What is it that I'm scared of? It just seems like lately I'm scared to do anything. I need to find a job, but for some reason I'm scared. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of getting rejected again, or maybe I'm scared of actually doing something right. I don't know! I keep telling myself that I need to do something if I ever want to be happy, but lately I've started to wonder if that will ever be possible. I'm lonely I guess. I feel so damn desperate it's ridiculous. I'm trying to do so much to make myself happy for once instead of worrying about other people, and what do I do, get sad because I'm not with anyone. I even joined some free dating website, that's how desperate I got to try and meet someone. So far everyone I've met either has a fetish for transsexuals, just wants to be friends, or has been so creeped out by me they never talked to me again. I'm scared to be with anyone, I'm truly scared of what might happen. I'm not so much scared that I'll be physically hurt, more like emotionally. I just don't think I can take another shitty break up. Is it bad to feel sad when I meet someone that might like me as more than a friend because I think they'll just use me? My heart has been broken too many times, I don't know if I can handle it again. All I seem to meet now are people that are turned on by a "chick with a dick" to put it in their words. That's not what I fucking am!!! I'm so sick of being called that! All I want is to be seen as a girl, not a guy wearing girls clothes, or a crossdresser. I guess that's just a stigma I'm stuck with though. I hate my life right now, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm going to the clinic now I'd probably be cutting again. I'm doing my best, I just hope my best is enough to get me where I want to be. I have a lot of issues to work past I guess, but that will come with time. I just have to survive for now, I'll worry about dying later.

Hard Learned Lessons

I would have wrote something sooner, but things have been kind of crazy around here lately. I got to go to the mall 3 times last week, so I was completely worn out by Saturday. Christmas was ok I guess. I still got some guy clothes from my grandparents, even though I had said not to give me any. Other than a shirt from my dad I didn't get any other clothes thankfully. I found a good coat and ordered it the other day online, only when it came I found out I should have ordered a medium and not a small. At least I can just take it to the closest Hot Topic and return it. I guess I'll just order another one in medium and return that one later. Not that having to return a coat is something so bad to me, but it just set off a lot of anxiety I was trying to keep under control. I'm learning the hard way what every girl gets a life time to learn. I had another break down last night, everything just got to me all at once I guess. I layed on my bed and cried for about an hour, it was one of those times where I did want to kill myself, but just couldn't bring myself to try anything. To be honest I don't think about killing myself any less now than I used to, I just don't act on those thoughts now. If I had done everything I was thinking I wanted to do to myself last night I'd be dead right now. It seems really stupid that something as small as buying clothes can set that off, but I guess I'm just under a lot of stress right now. Money is really tight, I have no job yet, and I'm still waiting for verdict basically from the clinic about the hormones. I can't do anything to make myself seem mentally unstable in any way and let them find out or I'm sure I'll lose what credibility I've already got. I guess that's about all the really important stuff that's been going on.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas

So far it hasn't been too bad. I got to go with my mom to my aunts today, and we went to the mall and I got my Christmas money so I'm happy. I got to go to Hot Topic and get some stuff that I've wanted for a while. Now my aunt knows where to shop for me at least. It was fun, I like going to see my aunt, and it was the first Christmas I got to spend with all the few people in my family I really care about together. I got another shock tonight, my grandparents actually asked if I wanted to open my presents before Christmas morning. I got a bunch of money like I asked for so I should be able to afford some new clothes. I don't really want to wear the same thing to the clinic every time if I can help it. I found a really nice coat on the Hot Topic website, it's like 54 bucks but since I've got a little extra money I might as well go ahead and get it. This time of year is pretty depressing for me usually. I always seem to get a lot of stuff that I don't want or need. I got some clothes already, all guy clothes, but at least it was only a few. Mostly I got what I want, but I guess it just sucks not really being able to open up to everyone about this. I still haven't told my dad and I know I need to some time soon. I started a letter but I honestly have no clue how word it. I'm doing the best I can, it's getting there, slowly, but better late than never I guess.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

First Time

I finally went out in public dressed up for the first time last night. My friend got me some clothes as a Christmas present so I actually had something worth wearing. It wasn't totally public I guess since I did wear my coat to cover myself up a little and didn't even have any make up on until I got to the clinic. I'm not sure but I think people could tell anyway, maybe it was the pants that gave me away. Someone in Burger King told me I had pretty hands so at least I got complimented if they noticed. My friends did my make up in the car before we went into the clinic. I didn't feel as awkward around people this time, I guess I felt like I fit in a little better. I was still pretty nervous considering it was my first time, but I'm glad I did it. I want to go like that every time now. It wasn't some magical moment or anything, but it felt good just to be me for once publicly and not have to hide anything. I went back with one of the people in charge of the TG clinic and got pretty much all the important paper work done. It was mostly just signing wavers to say that I understand the risks and agree to follow their rules with things. It wasn't really anything I hadn't heard before, but I found out I'm probably going to have to pay some money to get the hormones. I can come there and get the prescription and everything free, but I've got to pay myself to get it filled at a pharmacy. I guess I'm going to have to see if my insurance might cover it, possibly. I'll have to talk with my therapist about that at my next appointment. Things aren't as easy as I was hoping for, but I'm too close to getting help to turn back now. I've been on hormones that I got myself for almost 6 months now so there's no way I'm giving up. I've been out in public as a girl now, and I took everything that came my way, even a few insults behind my back. I'm getting there, it may be a bit slow coming, but I will make all this happen. I'd rather die than spend the rest of my life as a guy, so I think it's pretty clear what I have to do.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Frustrating Day

I got to talk with my therapist some today about writting the letter for me. That went pretty well, just my grandparents had to butt in first and say they wanted to come back too. They're using everything they can think of right now to make me look bad. All they did was try to tell me what I think, and accuse me of more shit that I didn't do. First they don't know what goes on in my head, secondly it's none of their business what I do with my life. It really pisses me off when they think that I owe them so much just because they raised me. I mean sorry if I don't show enough appreciation, but I've got my own life to live as best I can. They're just hoping something comes along to make me change my mind or not be able to go through with everything. Fuck them, I asked for nothing but support and I guess that was too much to ask of them. If I'm lucky I should get to go to my appointment tuesday dressed up. My friend decided to buy me clothes as a Christmas present. The only thing is I'm going to have to change here, so I'll end up walking out of here within their sight. I was kind of scared and nervous about that before now, but after today I actually look forward to seeing their reaction. I'm so tired of caring what their opinion of me is. I don't know what it is they want from me, but I'm pretty sure I can't give it to them. If I'm destined to just be one big disappointment to this family, then so be it. I'd rather be a happy, and alive disappointment than do everything just to please them and be miserable.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Annoyed

I got a call yesterday afternoon from the clinic asking if I could come in today at 6:30 to do all the paper work. Needless to say I told them I would have to find out if I could make it and call them back. Thus began my frantic hour of calling first my mom and then my friend seeing if anyone could take me. My mom couldn't for some reason, and my friend has to work, but luckily she has next tuesday off. So I ended up making the appointment for next tuesday instead of today. I'm pretty annoyed though since they neglected to inform me last week when I was there that I would need to make a seperate appointment to do the paperwork. They had me under the impression that I was doing that at my appointment next month. Oh well I'm not going to dwell on being upset, at least this means things are moving faster. I'm hoping it might get me my meds next month since I'm supposed to meet with the doctor then. It's all kind of stressing me out a little, but it's worth it I guess.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

More Stuff

I've had some time now to let my head clear after everything. I'm still pretty happy and excited about finally getting help from a doctor. It just feels so good to know that I have some real options with all this now. I loved it at that place too. I didn't really talk much to any of the other people like me that were there, but it just great to be around them if nothing else. I just felt like I was finally somewhere I belonged I guess. I'm more sure than I've ever been now that I'm doing the right thing. It's kind of scary to think about everything yet to come, but I know what I have to do. I'm gaining more confidence in myself all the time now. My friend says she is buying me clothes for Christmas, and I'm going dressed as a girl next time. I guess that's as good a place as any to get out in public for the first time. I won't have to worry about anyone judging me since everyone else there will be like me too. I've got an appointment to talk to my therapist Friday. Hopefully I can talk to her about writing that letter for me. To be honest I want to tell her all about Tuesday. I'm a little disappointed that I can't go back before January 15th, but it'll be worth the wait if I can get help from it. I should get to meet with the doctor and fill out all the paperwork next time, so it's looking good so far.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Happy

After making a few wrong turns and missing the right one, me and my friend finally made it to the clinic. The appointment was shorter than I expected. I just talked to the person doing the psychological evaluation and answered whatever questions she asked me. In the end though she said that she considers me to be a good candidate for getting into the TG program and getting help. All I have to do is get my therapist to email the doctor a letter saying that she understands what I've been doing and will be doing. So right now I'm only 1 letter away from getting help. My next appointment isn't until january 15th but it'll be worth the wait if I can get what I want. I should get to talk to a doctor about everything next time. I actually got to meet one person and got their contact info for online. Just waiting room chat I guess you'd call it lol. It was pretty fun just waiting though. I was a little nervous but it felt good to be around other TG people. They were a lot more open and self confident than I am right now, but I guess I'm working my way up to that a little at a time. I'm just so happy right now. I can't believe I'm actually going to help for free. I think I'm going to like going there for help, everyone seems really nice and careing. This is one time in my life I can honestly say I can't wait to go to the doctor again.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Doctors Appointment

Tomorrow is the big day. I've got a therapy appointment at 2:30 and then at 6:30 I get my psychological evaluation. Hopfully that will eventually get me hormones. It's been crazy just trying to find a way to get there. My friend is taking me, then last night she calls and says shes been grounded so she can't take me. Then I call my mom and beg her to take me, and once she agrees to do it my friend tells me her mom is letting her take me. I haven't been able to get my mom on the phone all day, so I haven't been able to tell her yet that I don't need her to take me.
Oh well I guess I'm just happy that it all worked out some way. I've been really stressed out over going. Just knowing what I'm getting myself into is a bit daunting. I'm nervous, but I haven't been scared away so far. I just have to be persistent about this stuff if I want to get it done. I've come a long way in a year and a half, and I'm kind of proud of myself just for getting this far to tell the truth. There's so much more to do, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be I guess.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I Did It

I finally got an appointment for the TG clinic earlier. I called again and left another message with the same doctor from monday and got a call back this time. I've got an appointment for next Tuesday at 6:30 to get a psycological evaluation. It's not hormone therapy, but it's definately a step towards that. I'm just so happy right now, I can't believe I actually made it this far. I guess being persistent really pays off with this stuff. I've called every day since Monday, and finally got something out of it. Anyway sorry to cut this short, I'm just too excited to write a lot right now.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Frustrated

Today has been frustrating to say the least. I tried calling the clinic again. This time all I got was a recording saying to stay on the line and wait for a receptionist, dial an extension number, or to call another number to make an appointment. So I tried calling the number to make an appointment and I actually got a person on the line. I asked to speak to someone about the transgender clinic and then I was told to call the other number back and dial an extension. Yet again I got a doctors voice mail. I actually left my name this time, but I still haven't gotten a call back even though I said in my message to please call me back as soon as possible. This is really getting on my nerves. I want to talk to a fucking doctor not leave a message. I guess I'll have to keep trying until I get someone. I just feel like I'm being ignored right now. The sad thing is I have no other options but this place. Why has it got to be so hard to get any help with this?

Progress

I finally called that clinic today. I'm not sure if you'd call what I did progress or forgetfulness. I called and asked for the transgender clinic, but the doctor in charge of it wasn't in at the time. I left a voice mail and I asked to talk to him about making an appointment and left my number. The only problem is I completely forgot to leave my name. I feel so stupid. He was supposed to call me back, but I never got one today. I guess I'm just going to wait a day or 2 and see if he calls or not. I'm kind of proud of myself just for calling even. Hopfully I'll get what I want out of this. I just thought I'd leave an update about things.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving

Today actually went better than I was expecting it to. At first I thought I was going to spend Thanksgiving home alone with nothing to do, but my mom called and woke me up at like 7 and asked if I wanted to go to my aunts. So I got to spend part of the day with my 2 aunts and my grandpa. This is actually the cool side of my family, so I actually enjoy being around them. I got to talk with my aunt about things that have been going on with me, and just hang out there for a while. Everyone in my mom's family knows all about me and don't care, so I feel a lot more comfortable around them.

I skipped out going to my other aunts house for dinner last night with my grandparents. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings, I just feel uneasy around them in the past few years. It just seems to me that I'm always being judged by them I guess. Not to say anything about my dad's side of the family, but they're just not really on the same communication level as me. I like to speak my mind about things, but I know around them I can't do that.

Anyway, just thought I'd update a little. I've been pretty depressed the last few days, so today kind of cheered me up a bit. I found out my aunt actually knows a couple of the doctors that work at that clinic I'm hoping to go to. She even said if I ever need any help with things to let her know, so I know that my mom and her family are the ones that care about me the most. They haven't judged me at all, and they get a lot of respect from me for that.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Can't Sleep

As the title says I can't sleep. It's 3 in the morning and I'm all too often finding myself still awake at this hour lately. Maybe I have too much on my mind, but I won't waste my time analyzing myself. I've had insomnia for years, so I guess I should be used to it by now.

My friend will hopefully be able to take me to the free clinic next tuesday. I haven't called or anything yet, but she would if she had the day off from work. If not I may have to wait until my mom can take me. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but I'm hoping this is my lucky break to get some help with this.

I didn't post earlier tonight because I was too busy working on a poem. Here's a copy of it for you to see.


Ruin

today's cuts turn to scars of my past,
my body is a ruin, it wasn't built to last.
no matter what I do, I can't seem to hold myself together.
I'm coming apart at the seems and I don't know what to do.
every day it seems I wake up wanting to die; any death would do.
if cowards die many times before their deaths,
surely cowardice runs deep in me.
I'm suffocating, I feel trapped, trapped in a body that I hate.
the colors are all gone, no tears are left to cry.
the little crimson dancers are dancing down my arms,
and with this I'll say my last goodbye.
I'm sorry I broke all my promises, or that I couldn't survive.
my life was lies, I didn't even try.
I killed me, but it was the only way, for I just couldn't stay.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Just One of Those Days

I would have posted yesterday, but I was having one of those days where all my problems seem to be in my head at once. It hasn't been as bad today though. Depression is just something I have to deal with I guess. I don't know if it's just me, but sometimes it seems like the smallest stupidest little things can set it off. To give an example, something like shaving can cause it. I guess it's mostly the little every day things that get to me the most. It's feels almost like my body taunts me so to speak. It reminds me every day of what I'm not.

I'm still feeling that way today, but I guess there's really no avoiding it. I got some good news at least, my aunt told my cousins about me and they didn't seem to have a problem with it. That's about the only good thing I have to say about today. Life in general just sucks for me right now. I have no job, which means no income, so I'm living off of what I've got while I'm trying to find a new job. It's all just so overwhelming sometimes. I wonder pretty often if I'll even make everything I'm planning happen.

People just don't seem to want to hire me around here. Even before the whole transsexual thing it was like I wasn't good enough for anywhere I applied. I mean I've applied to jobs that I was not only qualified to do, but over qualified, and I still didn't get them. Now it's just even harder. Sure I can just not say anything about it at whatever job I can manage to get, but eventually it will come up. I just wish I knew an easier way to make everything happen. I'm fighting an uphill battle with all this, I just hope I can come out on top in the end.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Every Day Concerns

It looks like I'll actually be able to get out of the house for a while today. I'm going to Gloucester with my mom. Once again the ever present question of how much is too much with what girl things I wear. I can usually get away with dark eyeliner and stuff. Not that anyone ever says anything against me for it, it's just I see the people that stare at me when I'm in public. I say I like attention so let them stare, but at the same time it's like being under a microscope.

The more girlish I dress in public without completely looking the part, the more stares I get. My friends even took me into a store at the mall a few months ago to try on dresses, and the first thing the sales person says to me is "is this a joke?". When we tell her no it's not she had the nerve to ask if I was going to buy them if I tried them on. I still did, but I felt so uncomfortable after a few minutes I just had to leave.

Something as simple as trying on clothes becomes something to fear when you go public. I've got a cool new hat and a purse, but I'm scared to even leave the house with them in sight. I know you're thinking so what do it anyway, fuck what other people think. I do say that, and I try to live up to it, but it's just not that easy. I out myself a lot that way, and it might make me feel better in the end, but with all the sick people out there, at the same time it can put me in danger. Transgendered people are killed all the time. Not like anyone gives a damn about us. I think it says a lot that so many deaths involving people like me are unsolved.

These are my every day concerns. If it seems a bit overwhelming, that's because it is. When you're in my situation though, you learn to live with it as best you can. You have to deal with society as best you can and hope it doesn't eat you alive.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Flaws in the System

Since nothing very exciting happened today I think I'll give an overview of my situation. As of now I've been self medicating myself with hormones for close to 5 months. I've seen noticeable results, but I'm still only taking a low dosage. By all means I should double the dose I'm taking, but I can't afford to buy them anymore frequently than I do now. It costs me $230 per order to get enough, because hormone replacement therapy is not covered by most medical insurance in this country.

While we're on the subject of insurance, it won't in fact cover any of what I'm about to do. I would honestly be lucky to get my insurance to cover the cost of hormones. According to most insurance companies gender reassignment is not necessary. Tell that to the 35% of us that commit suicide because they have nowhere else to turn.

The medical system of this country seems to be fine with exploiting us for money. Anything a transsexual needs done comes at a cost, and usually a high one. My hormones may not be much alone but it's just one of many things I have to pay for out of my own pocket to get this done. Unless you're rich being transsexual pretty much sucks. You can eventually be happy, but it comes at a high cost both financially and socially.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

If at First You Don't Succeed...

It seemed like the world was out to get me in some way today. We were less than a mile from out house when a overturned log truck was blocking the intersection we needed to turn at. I was half an hour late for my appointment, and I got into an argument with my grandparents while we were waiting. My grandma seems to think for some reason that I was abused in some way as a child, and that that's the reason I'm transsexual. I was not abused when I was a child, nor does anyone but my grandma think so.

Once we finally got there we had another argument in my therapists office. I talked to them about trying to find a doctor. I asked nothing more of them than to give me a ride to the places I've been able to find. They're refusing to so much as do that for me. Really shows how much they care huh? Luckily my friend already offered to give me a ride to once place as long as I pitch in some gas money. Hopefully my mom will be able to give me a ride to a free clinic in Richmond that works with TG people.

I've managed to find several options of places to go, but wether or not my insurance will cover me I don't know. It's one big if about all this. That's all I can really say when I go to any of these places. I'm hoping for a lucky break nearly every place I go asking for help. The medical system of this country really sucks. I'll kill myself before I grow old as a man. If that's not a good enough reason to help me, then I don't know what is.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Tomorrow

Well I have another therapy session to go to tomorrow. I'm hoping to talk about finding a doctor, but that is if my grandparents don't butt in too much. I told them about myself back in September, and doesn't seem to have sunk in enough with them yet. They've told me outright that they're ashamed of me, and don't understand what I'm doing. They say they're willing to accept it just to give them time, well it's been over 2 months and they're still no closer to that. I even got a book for them to read that's made for family members to read to help them understand and they refuse to read it. In all honesty I don't think they ever will accept it.

Tomorrow my main goal is to talk with my therapist about doctors. I've found several in the area that I know are qualified to prescribe hormones, it's all a matter of convincing them to help me. At the same time I have to hope that one of them is even willing to help me. The reason I've waited this long to look for a doctor is because I know all too often people like me are turned away when they ask for help. I'm not sure what if any resistance I'm going to encounter, but I'm ready to keep trying until I find someone that will help.

Pretty much what I need to do is find a doctor that's willing to help, then get another therapists opinion about me. I know they'll want someone that's had experience dealing with other people like me. So I've been looking up every place in the state that deals with transsexuals. I've found a few places and people, but not many. I'm not even sure if my insurance will cover this even if I can get shrinks to say I need the meds to help me.

Right now my best option is to get at least 2 shrinks to say that I have a mental illness and that I need the meds to treat it if I want insurance to possibly cover it at all. I resent calling this a mental illness, but hell, if it gets me help I will. I consider my body the problem, not my head. Unfortunately I'll be lucky to even get hormones covered. I know nothing else involving surgery would be covered.

So my status right now is I'm unemployed, living at home with my grandparents. I have no drivers license, and limited financial means to make any of this happen. I'm looking for a job and at the same time hopeing to find someone that can help me. So my situation isn't exactly ideal. I hate how the medical community seems to do nothing but take advantage of us financially. Everything comes with a cost attached. The saying that money can't buy happiness does not apply anymore to me. That's about all for now, I'll post some more tomorrow about how everything goes.

Intro

I suppose I'll give a little explanation of what this blog is about before anything else. Mainly I want to write it to give anyone the opportunity to see life through the eyes of a transsexual. I feel that not enough people in the world know what we go through each and every day, so this is my attempt to make my voice be heard. It is my hope to give an idea of day to day life for someone like me to everyone else. You won't necessarily see posts from me every day, (believe me, I'd bored you to death) but I will post as often as I feel I need to. It's also my hope to let anyone that reads this and is possibly struggling with many of the same issues know that they're not alone.

I think I'll give you a little background on myself now. I've known that I wanted to be a girl since I was about 5 or 6. I tried on my first article of women's clothing when I was around 7. After that it was like I was hooked or something. I crossdressed for most of my life in secret. There were many close calls, and times clothes were found in my room, but I always denied everything when questioned about them. This is what most of my life as a kid was like. I would wait for any opportunity to steal some clothes. I'd stay home alone as often as I could so I could dress up. At the time I had no idea why I wanted to do these things. There was a certain amount of sexual relief from it by the time I hit my teens, but I can't say that was, or still is my primary reason for doing it.

I spent my childhood, and most of my teen years, suppressing and denying this. There are many times I recall when I got rid of any clothes I had, or didn't try to find anymore once the ones I had were taken away. Every time I told myself no more, this is over, I'm going to stop. I thought I was a real freak. In my mind I was the only person in the world doing this, and it had to be wrong. It was like this constant battle for possession of my soul by this urge to be a girl. The older I got the stronger that feeling became.

Just before Christmas 2003, all of my girl clothes I had were secretly taken while I was at school. I got home and they were just gone, no one said a word to me this time about it. I was devastated, but at the same time I decided then and there that it was time to stop this for good. I can look back with regret on that decision knowing what I do now. This began what can only be described as the worst years of my life.

By January of 04 I was cutting myself with my pocket knives, and any other sharp objects I could obtain. It only got worse as time went on. I tried to start dating at this time too. I had only recently gotten my first computer, and turned to Internet dating as my medium, so to speak. It never lasted with anyone, and my self injury only got worse as I got dumped, and turned down. When June rolled around I felt like I had had enough. I didn't attribute it to the suppression of my transsexual feelings, but all I knew was that I was so unhappy for some reason that I didn't want to live anymore.

I got some twine out of the shed in our backyard, and went out into the woods. I tied a noose with it as best I could, and threw it over the nearest low hanging tree branch I could find. I just stood there for a second wondering if I really should do it, and then I just let my legs go limp. Everything went black in a few seconds, the next thing I remember is a faint memory of falling in which everything seemed to be blurry, and black and white. Then I'm on the ground shaking uncontrollably, and I sat up wondering whether I was alive or dead. After I came to my senses more I realized the rope I used had broken. I also found that I had cut my back on something when I fell.

Needless to say I had to go to the hospital to get stitches for that. I lied the whole time about the cause. Everyone bought my excuse, and I was back home in time for school the next day. As the days went on I became severely depressed. I was scared to even try to kill myself again. My self injury only increased in it's frequency and ferocity. I make as many cuts on my arms as I could, and then watch the blood drip from my shoulder to my finger tips. I had graduated to razor blades by this time, so I was only increasing the danger level of what I was doing.

In November after I was dumped again by another Internet girlfriend, I attempted to overdose on some pills. I never took more that 9 before I got scared and stopped. Somehow it was found out that I had done this, and I was sent to a mental hospital for 4 days. It certainly didn't help me at all, and only made me hide my self destructive acts better.

Most of 2005 was about the same, minus the suicide attempts of course. I consider that a year where my life just seemed to stagnate. I did get to meet my mother though. My parents divorced when I was about 3, and my grandparents had custody of me since. She wasn't allowed to see me until I turned 18, but luckily I got to meet her sooner than that. I'd consider meeting her again one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Around April of 2006, I decided to look up crossdressing online for some reason. Call it a spontaneous decision. I consider it one of the best decisions I've ever made. I learned that I wasn't alone, and that there were people out there who could help me. I accepted this about myself after that. I only admitted to being a crossdresser at the time, but it was definitely a step in the right direction.

I told my mom, and she accepted me like I was, and even helped me get some clothes. Around September I realized I wanted more out of life than just wearing women's clothes. I wanted to be one. It was a real revelation for me I guess you can say. I had to finally admit something to myself that I had hidden at all costs throughout my life.

I got in touch with people online, looked up information that might help me, and still I did nothing. I was terrified of what people would do if they knew about me. It scared the hell out of me to trust any doctor with something as complicated as this. Even after talking with people like me, I was still suppressing my feelings to a certain degree. I started drinking around the end of the year, trying to numb myself to all the harsh realities I realized I was going to have to face with this. For a while I was cutting and drinking at the same time (not a good combination by the way).

It went on that way until early this year when I met someone only a few years older than me, who had already gone through what I was about to. She gave me all the guidance I needed, and most importantly a friend that was in the same situation. She has since become like a big sister to me, and I don't know what I would have ever done without having met her.

Around May I decided it was time to take some action, and help myself. With my friend's advice I finally ordered the hormones I needed online. I consider this my first real step towards transitions. I've been on them for nearly 6 months now, and I don't regret for a second bypassing doctors to begin this. I do however feel at this time that I need to find a doctor to help me. That is my reason for writing this blog

I am now planning to attempt to find a doctor that is willing to help me. I'm going to use this blog as my way of showing the rest of the world just what it's like to deal with life as a transsexual. I will post about what happens to me along the way, and keep everyone updated as much as possible. It is my hope that I can open the eyes of more people to this. There is so little done to help us that this is my only way to plee for help, if you will. So keep reading, I'll be sure to post more later. Until next time, that's all.

After note: A full version of my story can be found here