About:

It's my hope to post entries here about my life and experiences as a trans-woman, and everyday life in general. This is my way of making my voice be heard, and bringing attention to the issues that transgender people face every day.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

This is Only the Beginning

I do not have enough words to describe all the emotions I have experienced in the past several days. I gone from the deepest depths of despair to optimistically hopeful. I'm not quite sure which end of that spectrum I should swing more towards though, because so much is happening so quickly, it's hard to keep up with it all. History is being made, and it is unclear where this country is now headed. It's hard to write something about this, because I don't want it to just be a bunch of angry commentary written during an emotionally challenging time. I'm going to try to stay on a message of hope though, but I can't promise that a little anger won't come out.

Let me start by saying that all hope is not lost, that is one thing that I've taken away from recent events. The protests here, and all over the world, give me hope that people are coming together like never before. Supporters of equality and progress are uniting, and it was the largest most wide spread protest in history. If president pussygrabber wants to screw things up, he's going to have to deal with angry mobs larger than anyone has ever seen in this country. We have to stay on his every move like this, not just now, but for the next four years. Don't ever let up, do not give him a moment's peace from our outrage. Let him know that we the people refuse to take one step back.

His words ring hollow to the ears of those of us who he has denounced as undeserving of equality. There are people who say give him a chance, and to stop being hate mongers, that he wants to support everyone. To that I say bullshit. I will give him and his followers as much of a chance as he and his gave to president Obama. I will give him as much respect as he has showed to those who are different from him. I will refuse to sit idle and watch as this bastard attempts to strip away rights from his own people. I will go out and protest, I will rail against his hate and greed driven policies, and I will stand in solidarity with others who are tired of being oppressed. He is the symbol of everything that is wrong with this country. He may legally be my  president, but I do not accept the legitimacy of someone who refuses to follow the ethical laws of the office he has been elected to. I refuse to recognize the legitimacy of someone who does not represent me or my interests, and who outright lies to the public.

I will miss Barack Obama dearly. He was not perfect, but he did more to push this country forward than any president has done in a long time. He was the champion of the lgbt, and we will will never forget him for taking a stand for us, and fighting to make us as equal as anyone else. He is my hero, and I only wish he could have stayed longer. He made America greater than this administration can ever dream of, and I can only hope that in 2020 someone else will take up his message of hope and win. He said in his farwell address that it is up to us, the people to take up his cause and make it our own, and do our jobs as citizens. It mirrors what I said in my last post, and I wrote that before listening to his speech. We must all take up the cause of hope now, because if we don't fight for it ourselves, no one else will. This our fight, this is our time, and far from being bleak, I believe it will be our finest hour.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

What Looms Ahead 2

This post is going to expand a bit on what I was talking about in my last one, I'll go into a few more specifics this time. Believe it or not, I hate politics, and hate getting into the tangled web of corruption and lies it is. I utterly despise it, and yet it is a topic that I feel obligated to be informed on and to engage in discussion about. After all, is it not our duty as American citizens to practice our constitutional rights and inform ourselves of the goings on of our government? We the people are the ones who elect these guys and then pay into the system they run.

Sorry if my political rantings seem to have dominated my newest content, I've had all these thoughts going around my head ever since November. I figured this place was the best pulpit I have rather than blowing up everyone's Facebook feeds with this stuff. I guess you can say I'm just doing what I feel that everyone should be, engaging in political discussion. This is something that I don't feel like there is enough of these days. It's something we saw little of even during the presidential campaigns, which frankly is the biggest travesty of the whole damn thing. We have too much of a tendency to never discuss politics with each other because it does have a way of making tempers flare. This is why I use the term discussion, not debate or argue, but we should discuss what is important to us. Disagreements are inevitable, and part of what makes the political process work, but we must be civil and agree to disagree in many cases. I know politics and religion are the two things you're told to never talk about, and I feel that it certainly applies in many cases, but at the same time we should not be afraid to talk about it at all. We do have the legal right to, so why not exercise that right? The bottom line is talk about this stuff when it's not a terribly inconvenient or dangerous situation, and get at least a little political, even if you don't like it. Ignoring the problem is no longer an option, and it will never go away if we continue down the road of inaction.

Speaking of rights, and in light of the slew of hate crimes all over the place by Trump supporters, self defense is a topic I feel that I should touch on as well. It is something that I have taken action on myself in the past couple of months, and by action I mean I bought a gun, a 9mm conversion AR15 to be specific. Having grown up in the south guns are something that I've been around forever, and I was taught to shoot when I was about seven by my father. Gun rights are one topic that I can agree with republicans on, because honestly I find it fun to go out and do some shooting now and then. I also believe in the right to defend my life with deadly force should I be compelled to do so. I don't believe in going out and looking for trouble, just in the right to lawfully defend myself. I'm not telling you all to go out and buy a gun, if you're not into them, you're not into them. I do feel that more people in the lgbt community should learn to shoot and support gun rights though. I'm sure I'll catch flak for all of that, but it's just my opinion. What I guess it boils down to is the whole "if you can't beat em, join em", saying. Also I'm going to throw in the disclaimer to follow and obey your local laws pertaining to any of this, they're different all over the country, so know what the law is first.

These are scary times indeed, and it would seem that we have every right to be afraid. I don't care if you buy a gun, carry pepper spray, a knife, or learn martial arts, just have a means to defend yourself from the hateful people of this world. Too many people have been lost, and it's time that we say we're not going to take it laying down. I don't think many of these people are counting on the target of their hate to fight back, so if you do, you probably stand a good chance of scaring them off. This sort of ties into my whole political thing, at least in the sense of strengthening ourselves and our community for what lies ahead of us. Don't take shit off of anyone, and be a well informed and active participant in the political process of your country. In a nutshell you can say that pretty much is what this country was founded on.

We can speculate all we want about the next four years, but in the end all we can do is wait. No doubt exists in my mind that our community, and the whole cause of equality and progress itself, is going to be under attack like never before from right wing conservatives. I certainly hope that the worst case scenarios people talk of will never happen, and that in the end it won't be such a step backwards as it's seemingly going to be. Do not despair, and do not give up hope, the war is not over, and there are many battles to come. Progress will happen, even if we take a few steps back, this movement has momentum, and we will continue forward. Those who further the progress of hate will be revealed for the monsters they are in time, our job is to hold them accountable for their actions, and to not be silent about it. I'm as worried for the U.S. as anyone else, and yes, I have considered the possibility of having to leave the country if things get as out of hand as our imaginations believe it could get. That is a worst case scenario for me, but one that I am likely not to follow. If our country goes down the same road as the Nazis, make no mistake, I will stay and resist by any means necessary.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up for now, I've gone on long enough, and probably thrown in a few redundant points here and there. I'm on vacation for a while, but have nothing big planned, so I'll probably have time to do some more writing in the next week or so. I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about by the end of the week.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

What Looms Ahead

Here we go with another one these, I promise I'm going to do my best to keep a somewhat steady stream of posts coming. My mind is in a bit of a fog after work most days, so try to bear with me if my thoughts seem a bit scattered at times. It's time I get down to what brings me back to here again, and what I mentioned briefly in my last post. The political climate as of late has certainly stirred up some thoughts and emotions in me that are dying to be expressed. Let's face it, that's probably a big subject on most people's minds right now.

Let me start by saying that the morning after election night hit me rather hard, so hard in fact that by mid afternoon I was drunk and puking in the toilet. Something tells me I wasn't the only one puking that day, so now you know my level of disgust with the entire political system of this country. It just goes to show that the more things change, the more they stay the same. By the same, I mean that you can still run a campaign based on blatent fear and racism and win. Donald Trump took a page right out mein kampf, and the American sheeple ate it up like it was ice cream topped fried Twinkies. How we went from Obama to this is beyond me, I figured most people were smart enough these days to steer clear of that kind of bullshit. Then again, in the words of George Carlin, "never under estimate the power of stupid people in large groups". Stupid is what we certainly have gotten. We got a man who is insanely rich, has zero political office experience, has an ego big enough to block out the sun, who is a racist, sexist, homophobe, who doesn't give two shits about anyone but himself. Congratulations America, you wanted something different, and that's definitely what he is. This country just shot itself in the foot, because it's different than the usual. This election has done nothing but reinforce the modern day feudal system that seems to exist in the U.S.. The more money you have, the higher up the political ladder you'll go. If you can't afford to blow millions of dollars on a campaign, you just don't go anywhere. If you're not democrat or republican, you stand no chance whatsoever of even coming close to winning. If it's not one extreme or the other it just won't do.

Make no mistake, this election proves more than ever how desperately our political processes need to be reformed. The only problem is that so many people are hung up on the whole "the constitution says this" crap. We focus so much on what the founding fathers layed out that we don't seem to account for the fact that we live in a vastly different world than they did. We look up to them as God like figures who's word is absolute and should never be questioned. The fact is that they never even really set out to proclaim independence in the first place. The American revolution really only came about because these guys got in deeper shit than they ever planned to, and realised that a push for independence was the only option left besides getting charged with treason. They were people no different than you and I, who laid out a framework of government. They knew that over the years it would need to be tweaked from time to time, and made provisions for that. What blows my mind is how reluctant we are to take advantage of those provisions, even when it has become painfully obvious that we need to.

I don't know what the next four years hold in store for this country, or how whatever happens will affect the lgbt community. Certainly no one knows for sure what Trump has planned, especially him. I hope that by some miracle he turns out to be a good president, I really really do, for everyone's sake, but I won't be holding my breath. If you ask me, the political climate right now seems ripe for some kind of revolution, more so than it has in any election since Lincoln. Rebellions are sparked when a government is either out of touch with the desires of it's people, unsympathetic to them, or unable to address them in a way that is perceived as timely or proper. In most, as I know it is in this case, it's probably some combination of all that, and I know I'm simplifying a lot here. We have the ability to wage a peaceful and bloodless revolution by amending our government legally. This must happen, or one day down the road there is going to be another American revolution.

For the time being, our best hope is to organize, and to not be silent. We must be ever vigilant in these uncertain times, and start getting political wether we like it or not. Inaction is as good as a vote for these despots, and it's what they are counting on from those of us who support change and progress. If we do not vote, we vote for them, if we do not speak up, we are drowned out by their shouting, if we do not organize, we cannot effectively fight their hate. We are many and we are strong together. We have fought for our rights for decades, and the fight is far from over it seems. Never give up, and never assume that those who would destroy us have given up. That is what we did, and we must resolve to never let it happen again. The world is a scary place, and there is certainly reason to be afraid right now, but we have to stand strong in the face of fear to defeat those who wield it as a weapon.

Ok, there's my two cents on all this stuff, or maybe more like five bucks, but you know what I mean. That felt good to get out, I've had a lot of that rattling around in my head for weeks. Long story short, go out and vote, and speak out against hate. I can sit around and write all day, but unfortunately I do have to take care of other obligations like getting some rest before work, so for now I'm bringing this one to an end. I work at night, so yes I'm going to bed in the midldle of the day. I've got a nine day vacation coming up next week, so I'll have a good bit of time soon to churn out a few more posts hopefully. I have no plans beyond doing whatever I feel like and getting shit done around the house that has been neglected. So until next time, that's all I've got.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

It's been a while, but I'm back.

Well it's been a very long while since I last posted an update here, hard to believe four years flew by so fast. It's even harder to believe the amount of stuff that happened in that time. I won't go into every single little thing, not that I think I could even begin to remember everything, but I will hit some highlights. First of all, I'm deciding to re-make this blog and turn it into something somewhat active again. With the impending inauguration of ..... I can't even say it, you know who, I feel the need to get my thoughts out to people again. I'll go into that more later, but for now I'll stick to blog related stuff. I plan to pretty much start over again with this, though the old content will still stay in place. I'll be doing a lot of work on the page, as well as fixing linking issues with my old sites. For now go through Facebook to stay in touch with me. I'm sure you'll notice that I have renamed the page, I felt like it was time for a change to it. The terminology felt a bit dated to me as well, so I figured that something simpler and more to the point was in order. I'll probably be tweeking the look and feel of things here and there, so don't be surprised if other things change as well.

On a more personal note, quite a bit has changed in my life as well. I'm no longer unemployed, and haven't been for almost the entire time I've been on hiatus from here. I've been working at Walmart this whole time as an overnight stocker. It's not the greatest job in the world, and often it leaves me exhausted and grumpy, but it pays the bills. This leads into my next big change, I'm no longer in Virginia, at least not since 2015. Things sort of fell apart with Stef and I, and we went our separate ways after a while, but I won't go in depth on that subject. What brought me to Rhode Island of all places was my current girlfriend, and hopefully future wife. We met online through a dating site and one thing led to another and I decided to transfer my job and move up here to be with her. She's a cis girl believe it or not. I say that because apparently after trying to find anything and everything possible online about trans women and cis women in relationships, we came up with next to nothing. So it would appear as though it's not a common thing, even among trans people. All of that aside, I would say things are well with us. We've been together for about two and a half years now, and still going strong.

It's been a long four years...well not really, who am I kidding? It's flown by like that guy who passes you on the highway doing 100. In that time I've gotten my drivers license, gotten a car, payed off said car, moved like 500 miles away from my home state to start a new life in New England with someone new, drove the distance to move here too, gotten into my first real apartment, found and have held down a full time job, and found the first person that loves me as much as I love them. That's not even getting in detail much, that's just the highlights, it kind of leaves my head spinning a bit. I guess you can say I've done a lot of growing up, it certainly feels like I have at least. I would have never seen most of that coming four years ago, but I guess in hindsight they are things that needed to happen, and have been good changes. I even picked up a few new hobbies since moving as well. I've managed to find my way into fountain pen restoration, and typewriter repair. I sort of had the idea that I'd like to get into antique restoration, since not many other careers really seem that appealing to me. I suppose it's a start, and about all I have the room or finances to work on for now, but it's definitely a starting point.

Anyway, it's about time I wrap this up. My time is a bit more limited these days, and in general I've tended to withdraw somewhat from the internet. I guess I've had a lot going on in real life to keep me distracted. So I'm going to attempt to keep up with this thing again, but I'm not sure how frequently I'll be posting. I certainly will try to do better than four years between though. So for now this is it, but trust me, I have a lot more to say, so I'll be back very soon.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Mourning My Losses


A lot has been going on since the last time I posted, so I guess I’ll start from the beginning. First of all I found out the whole going back to spirit and being an assistant manager thing is probably not going to happen. There was some kind of mix up about what store I’d be working at and the one they wanted me at is just too far away to make it to every day. My chances of getting picked back up by the one nearby are probably slim to none, because I jumped ship on the manager last year to work at a different store that gave me more hours. So I’m back where I started again, and it really had me pretty down and depressed the last week or so.  I felt pretty damn hopeless to be honest, and it triggered quite a few bad feelings in me. 

I came to a pretty sad realization; that my options are severely limited right now as far as careers go. I started thinking about what I gave up in order to transition. I don’t admit it very often, but I have lots of things that I regret giving up on for personal happiness. I spent the better part of my life with the intention of joining the military, and that’s probably the biggest sacrifice I made. It was my failsafe if all else failed, and then I realized I needed to transition and I sort of gave up on it after that point. It didn’t really mean that much to me until lately, because I guess I never really mourned the loss. The realization that it will never be an option again for me based solely on the fact that I’m trans hurts a lot, and I had never looked at it that way before now.

It’s probably going to stir up some controversy for me to say that, seeing as I am pretty staunchly anti-war, but it is possible to hate the politics of the war without hating those who must fight it. My incentives have no self-righteous “America is the best” reasons behind it. A lot of my older family members served in WWII, and I grew up looking up to them, thinking of them as my heroes. They were who I aspired to be like, and I did and still do like to think, that should such an occasion as it was back then ever arise again, I could follow their example and do the same. Things are not so cut dry anymore, our enemies are all over the place; it’s not one country against another anymore. I don’t support the majority of US foreign policy, but I’d fight to protect my homeland and those who couldn’t defend themselves. 

That’s what I always wanted out of military service; to serve my country and feel as though I was protecting people. I’ve been around enough military people in my time to know that they are just as diverse as any other group of people, some are bad and some are good, but I’m sure most would agree with, and feel the same as me about why they serve. I don’t expect anyone to ever fully understand why I would do it if I could; maybe I just have an outdated sense of things. But I guess the point is it will never happen, and the option has been dead and buried for years now. I threw away the potential of a very rewarding career as a soldier, and I could have been a damn good one at that, but I made the decision, and now I have to live with it. I have to move on and find some other career to be an outlet for my want to help and protect people. 

I have cried, been angry with myself, angry with my country, and angry at the military over all this the last few days, most of it all at once. Unless the military suddenly makes provisions for trans people to serve and not boot us at the mere mention of GID, I have to move on. I’ve done the mourning I never did all those years ago. The desire will forever be with me, and I guess it’s comforting on some level to think that I could still do it. I just have finally found closure and accepted things for what they are. I have finally let myself feel regretful for this after many years of telling myself that I shouldn't. I didn't transition to trade the repression of who I am for the repression of a life long goal. I take a degree of solace in the fact that I could have joined, would have, and still would if I could. I don’t know where this life will take me, I’ve got a lot of it left to live, and I’m sure plenty of it will be interesting. My only real option is to tough it out and hope someone decides to take a chance and hire me at some crappy minimum wage job. Then I suppose use that as a stepping stone to move up. It’s not what I wanted out of life, but I have to do what I have to do.

I will always support those in the military, especially those trans people who have served and who are currently serving. I look up to you, and I wish I could have joined you. You are an inspiration to me, and I hope to many others. It’s a pretty thankless job in this day and age, but I want to say thank you for your service, because it does mean something to me. 

That’s right, I am an American citizen who is transgender, a democratic socialist, pro-military, antiwar, pro-gun rights, pro-choice, all for legalizing weed, and I think Obama has done a pretty good job. I believe in the principles this country was founded on, and I completely disagree with the way many in our government have been driving it into the ground the past 30 or so years. The people who serve in the military that protect us and help to guarantee  the rights and civil liberties that our constitution grants us, are what give me the freedom to openly say that and everything that I do on here. That is why I appreciate them.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The System Has Failed


All this time being unemployed gives me more time to think than I’d really like. And you know what; the same applies to a lot of other people. There’s a reason places like Libya, and Egypt have had uprisings and revolutions to overthrow the government recently, and for reasons not unlike the problems that plague those of us in the US currently. The way I see it, if things like employment, education, and LGBT equal rights don’t improve, it’s only a matter of time before we see similar events occurring here as well. 

The American dream is officially dead, the generations before us prospered only to inadvertently suck the coffers dry for our generation. No longer can one person earn a living wage without an incredibly well paying job.  Even a college education, despite becoming increasingly necessary, can no longer guarantee a job. Employers continuously require more and more experience for open positions, which only helps those older people who have already gotten a start in the past. It excludes those of us who graduated high school and don’t have tons of experience to put on a resume. Basically, the younger you are, the more people there are that will be hired before you. 

I used to believe what I was told by my parents and family, that if I worked hard and did my best I could do anything I wanted to. That dream has long ago been crushed. The so called job creators have driven this country into the ground, and anyone that blames Obama for it all is completely out of touch with reality. I may not be highly educated about economics, but there’s plenty of easy ways to improve things. Pass an all-inclusive employment nondiscrimination bill, legalize pot, and unionize more workers. Those things alone won’t fix the economy, but they’re a good start. The gap between rich and poor is becoming larger every day, the rich get richer, and the middle class goes a little farther toward the poverty line. 

The people of this country never seem to learn, our problems now are not that different from those we faced 100 years ago, and yet most people act as if they’re new. We fixed many of those problems back then the good old fashion way, through legislation, which is the way it needs to be done now. Regulate the fuck out of this country, because deregulating it is the cause of all this bullshit. Politicians only give a damn about themselves by and large, and only support the will of the people to the point where they feel like they’ll get re-elected. I miss the days when self-taught, uneducated by today’s standards, people were president, and could be president. Today the only way you get elected to almost any office is based on how much money you can throw into the campaign. I am completely and utterly disgusted by the way this country is run, and as I’ve said before, president Obama and his supporters, are about the only glimmer of hope I see. 

I will make no secret of it; I am a socialist, not to be confused with a communist or a nazi. I am a democratic socialist, which means I still believe in capitalism, but I believe in a mixing of the two philosophies in order to create something better than both. At its core, socialism fights for the common people, the workers, the oppressed 99%, and the poor. It seeks to ensure everyone a fair chance at employment, education, and health care. Without the taint of anti-Semitism and totalitarian dictators, it’s something that I believe many people would support, especially those who are out of work. Socialism alone is not the answer, and that’s something that most people who speak out against it don’t realize. 

The farther we allow this country to be driven into the ground, the worse the climate becomes for revolution.  I pray that it is not a violent one, but I seriously hope for something. We the 99% cannot sit idle while out rights are stripped away. We must get out and vote, speak out in the community against the wrong doings of the government, and above all else, we should be mad as hell and not take it anymore. “Workers of the world, unite!” was the state motto of the Soviet Union, and though I am not a communist, it is one that I could follow. With that being said, I’ll close with this; Workers, Students, Unemployed, Poor, Homeless, LGBT, and Common People, of these United States of America, unite!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Hard Times

I've been holding off posting this one for a while, but things are pretty rough at the moment. I still haven't managed to find work, and Stef lost her job a couple of weeks ago. That was a result of dumbass incompetent managers who wouldn't know a job well done if it fell into their lap. There was also some pretty thinly disguised discrimination involved in her being fired, but unfortunately the civil rights laws for Virginia are a joke, so without direct undeniable proof taking legal action is going to be damn near impossible. So now we're both out of work and the situation becomes more desperate.

I'm not sure what we're going to do if one of us can't find work within the next couple of months. The pressure is on more than ever now, and the jobs haven't gotten any easier to come by. We'll be ok for a while, but the bills don't exactly stop coming. I'm scared to be honest, but I guess I need to stay positive. We've both been getting interviews, her even more than me, so I guess its just a matter of time. I suppose its a good thing I had that rekindling of my faith just before all this happened, and probably why it did, to get me through these dark times.

Its just been a time where one thing after another goes wrong, some of which I won't be writing about. On the plus side I feel like it has brought Stef and I closer than ever, and I guess I can look at that as the silver lining. Its scary when you're future is so uncertain like this, but I know that eventually things have to get better. We just need to be strong and work hard to get to a stable position in life. I don't know what's going to happen in the coming months, but I hope its good for us both. She needed a better less stressful job, and this just makes it easier to move on to something that may be better.