Christmas

I suppose I should write something about how the holidays and Christmas went. I sat at home on my ass and did pretty much nothing on my birthday, aside from getting my family to get a pizza for me. I did get a nice black knit scarf with a hat and gloves to match it and 20 bucks, but it fell a bit short of memorable. It seems like every birthday since I was 16 or so has been that way. My mom didn't even call me, she texted me, it was a nice gesture, but I guess I'm a bit old fashion. I appreciate the times when a phone was just a phone, when you had to actually pick it up and talk to the person you wanted to tell something to. It just means a bit more to me to get a call than a text. On the plus side I didn't go hungry, I just gorged myself on pizza most of the day and soda against my better judgement. I forget eating healthy for at least a day when it's my birthday, I let myself have everything I shy away from normally. I laugh in the face of calories and trans fat on my birthday, and then barley eat the next day. Christmas morning wasn't too bad, aside from the fact that my laptop decided to stop working after I had just watched a DVD on it 45 minutes before. It's not a huge loss, everything on it was copied from the desktop, but it is rather disappointing, and kills the good mood just a bit. I got some clothes and other things I needed, and about 200 bucks. It helps me out a bit, a job would be better, but 200 can last me for a little while. After a string of sarcastic texts to my mom she finally called me this afternoon. It wasn't a bad Christmas overall, but it could have been better. It just sucks that I've spent most of the holidays virtually alone. Oh well, maybe next year will be better.

Stuff to Rant About

I don't really have anything that important to talk about involving myself, so I shall do commentary on whatever comes to mind.

First of all, I want to express my extreme dissatisfaction with ENDA being, once again, delayed until next year to be voted on. That's my politically correct don't make the FBI show up at my door version of how I feel. The between the lines real version; I want to go slap the asshole and/or assholes that have some kind of issues with it in the face. It's fine as is, when I hear anyone talking about revising the language of it my mind goes back to 07. You know, that time TG people were completely dropped from ENDA when the "language was revised". I'll feel like doing worse than slapping someone if they pull that shit on us again. I want to go get some of the dumbass bureaucrats that are causing the problems fired for being old and white. I want to see how they feel being discriminated against. It's way past overdue for us to be included in federal laws!

Also, what’s with the damn religious groups having problems with it? They're the ones that scream bloody murder anytime someone loses a job over a religious difference. They get their freedom from persecution, what the hell is so wrong with us having the same thing. The bill clearly states that it does not infringe upon any religious institutions or businesses rights. Read the fucking bill people! I'm sick of hearing them bitch about how they think it's going to somehow screw around with their religious rights. I'm not sure what more can be done to make them see that it will not. What has to be done in order for them to? Are they blind? Are they just that dense that they don't get it? Maybe they're just tying to cause trouble and being complete and absolute hypocrites? You be the judge my dear readers, I merely throw the questions out there.

Secondly, and on a controversial note, I'm pissed off about the legal status and misconceptions surrounding weed. I've used it, I liked it, and I had no more ill effects from it than I would have from getting drunk. In fact there were less ill effects than being drunk. So what's so damn horrible about it! Yes, some people have bad results from using it. Just as with any kind of prescription drug, if doesn't work for you, don't fucking use it! I'm sick of people, namely the government and pot haters, using that as an excuse to keep it illegal. Thus the government sponsors it's own private multimillion dollar drug black market. Prohibition people; it didn't work with alcohol, why do we expect it to work with drugs? The past 40 years have proven that the so-called "war on drugs" is more like a war on non-violent drug users. They fill the prisons up with those, and then they let the rapists and pedophiles go. People get busted for possession, where as those with 100 kilos in their basement that can get away with it get rich. Way to go justice system, lets make people's lives all the more traumatic as a result of the people let back into the system. Maybe the millionaire drug lords will pay for psych rehab for the general public? I know, they should prohibit caffeine next, it was considered for placement on the drug schedule listings back in the day you know. We dodged a bullet there didn't we?

I hate to be negative, especially this time of year, but people need to stop giving me reasons to say this stuff. I do have one good thing to say. At least I haven't let all of this stuff cause me to be depressed. I'm using this as a positive way to speak about how I feel, regardless of how many people I may piss off by saying what I have. If you have a problem with what I say, don't read it. I should have come with a parental advisory sticker tattooed on me when I was born, so that about says it all with me. It feels good to express my anger while also pointing out the short comings of this country. Don't believe my statements aren't based on facts? Google it and see, I promise I only bitch about 100% verified bullshit and injustices.

Holiday Madness

Well, not too much has been going on lately that’s really worth writing about, but there’s plenty now. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday. My grandma seems to still have issues with seeing me as a woman. She asked me a few weeks ago to make a list of stuff that I would want for Christmas, it was the first time I had actually done one in a few years. I was reluctant to put it on there, but I put the type of women’s underwear down that I wear. They were pretty good about the clothes last year. She asked me yesterday where to find my size at, I’m a 4, so it’s just a size below what most places carry. I can't help it that I'm skinny as hell, blame my mom, she's where I get it from. I tell her Walmart, and a few other similar stores, even Victoria's secret, and she goes off on me about how all she can find in that size are little girls underwear. She bitches about she doesn’t think they make them in size 4 for adults, and acts like I told her to go to the ends of the earth to find them. I got frustrated and said that I can’t help the situation I’m in, that I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I can get. I even said it’s fine if she can’t find them, I can look on my own. After that we get into another argument. I brought up something my therapist had mentioned to me before that might help me get a job. Something called vocational rehabilitation, it’s to help anyone that’s got any kind of physical, metal, or emotional problems or disabilities, find and keep a job. The service is free, you just make an appointment, and after that go to the office and they talk to you and help you figure out what’s hiring in your area and see what they can do to help you find a place to work. There’s an office in Williamsburg, only about a half hours drive from here, and with my history, I think I will easily meet the conditions to be accepted. That’s pretty much what I told them, although they interrupted and wouldn’t let me finish half the time. It’s because of my family that I hate to be interrupted mid sentence. My grandma, once again, acts like I’ve asked them to help me infiltrate the temple of doom or something. No amount of explaining seems as though it will convince them to help me out with that, even though they go to Williamsburg to see family all the fucking time. She bitches at me about how she feels like she lost the old me, and acts like I killed myself or something. She even pulled a sob story on me about how she saw my old baby blanket and some clothes I wore when I was little Thanksgiving morning when she was looking for something and cried. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? All I could, and ever will be able to say is that I’m still me. I may look a bit different and have a different name now, but that doesn’t change who I am. If anything I’m more me now than I used to be. I know of nothing better that I can say to that. She says she feels like she doesn’t know me anymore, and bitches about how it’s because I stay in my room most of the time at home and don’t want to eat dinner at the table with them. I tell her, I only eat dinner in my room because it’s better than sitting with them in an awkward silence for the duration of a meal, and that I only stay in my room so much because they alienate me by never talking about anything that’s important to me. The only thing worse than an awkwardly silent dinner with my family is an awkwardly silent dinner with my friend’s very homophobic step dad that hates me. She tells me that she wants to get to know me, but that she thinks it’s too late for it, and I just say ask me anything you want to know, anything, anytime. She bitches that I won’t do anything with them; they don’t make any effort to really do anything with me or get to know me. It’s hard to get to know me if you never fucking ask me about anything I care about. Anytime I try to give her that opportunity she hates what she hears and tells me to leave her alone, so what the fuck am I supposed to do! This is one reason I hate the holidays, senseless arguing mixed with the fact that most people I know have better things to do than hang out with me. I’m always lonely this time of year, is it any wonder I do most of my drinking between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day? Every holiday during that time just reminds me of how emotionally isolated I am from my family, and how few friends I have in the area. This was long, but I needed to vent somewhere. I promise I'm fine, just a bit frustrated at the moment.

Thanksgiving

Well, I guess I should write a bit about Thanksgiving, I know I'm a bit late doing it. Things actually went better than I was expecting them to. My mom and her boyfriend came down came down and picked me up Wednesday afternoon, and we went to my aunt's house and stayed the night. We had thanksgiving dinner together Thursday, it wasn't too eventful. I was talking to my aunt the night before about wanting to get a really good laptop to use to get my photo business off the ground. She mentioned that she had an old laptop that she didn't use anymore and that I could have it if I wanted it. I took the offer, obviously, it's only a Pentium 3 and has 27 gigs of memory, but it's a start. It does have a built in wireless card, so I can take it with me when I go anywhere and just connect to whatever signal I can pick up. Once I'm able to do that, I can download my photo editing program to it and then I'm set to work on the go. I can take my work with me anywhere I can take the laptop. I'm just so glad she decided to give it to me, it's not as good as my desktop, but it's enough to do the work until I can get something better. I want to customize one the Dell business grade laptops to have as much hard drive space, and the fastest processor they put in a laptop. That combined with a high resolution screen and good software should be enough to eventually get a business off the ground with. I've got my eye on a few good DSLR cameras, a green screen studio set. I like the green screen idea since it means I can carry one background around with me and then add whatever background I want to the finished pictures with the software. It will probably cost me around 3 to 4 grand total on the computer plus the studio equipment I would need. I just need the basics to do freelance work. It just sucks that the profession I have the most interest and passion in would be one that requires expensive equipment, but it could be more I guess. It's expensive to me considering I'm transitioning on top of those costs. For now my little Fujifilm consumer grade camera is going to have to do. It's 10 mega pixels, so it's a decent enough resolution to get the job done. Back on the subject of Thanksgiving, like I said, it was rather uneventful. We did break down on the way back to my house though. That part did really suck, but luckily we were close enough by that I could ask my grandparents to pick me up and take me home. Aside from that little issue, things were pretty good, I can't complain. I got something out of it that definitely helps me to move forward with the career I want, and I got to spend time with my favorite side of the family. I can say I had a good holiday, I just hope Christmas goes as well.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

I'm a little late getting this up, but it's something worth writing about to me. I'm sure most people who are reading my blog know that this past day was the International Transgender Day of Remembrance. I never really know what to write or say for it, nothing really seems to ever say it all. I looked at the list over on transgender.org earlier for 2009, I always hate looking at those lists, but I felt like I should. It was sickening to see the number of people on that list from this past year, compared to last years list. It was around 30 to 32 or so last year, and if this year's list is correct, the number is 134. I can't say I know if that figure is 100% correct, but if it is, that means there's been a little over a 100% increase in anti TG violence in the last year. Honestly, that scares the the hell out of me, but it angers and saddens me more than it scares me. I will never be able to comprehend what would make anyone kill another for being something they have no choice to be. I hope I never will understand that, because life is too short to spend it senselessly hating people. I just wish more in this world could see it the way I do. I can't even begin to explain how much emotion is stirred in me every November 20th. I don't look forward to it, because until the day that list is blank for the past year, I know we still have so far to come towards acceptance in this world. Sitting here writing about it isn't going to further our cause though, and neither will reading those names or anything anyone else writes about it unless we stand up for ourselves. We had one hell of a victory last month with the passage of the hate crimes bill, but we have so much more still to fight for. The work towards that goal doesn't start on capitol hill, it starts with each and every one of us who decides to not be ashamed of being TG. It starts with every one of us who decides to stand up for ourselves in the face of those who seek to demean us. It starts with us all, and whether or not we choose to hide our true selves, or to embrace them. Remember those who have been taken from us as a result of senseless violence, it's up to us to speak for them now. It's up to us to speak out for them and ourselves, because we don't deserve to live in fear. It's ok if you're not to the point of being ready to take a stand publicly, but those of us who are ready and willing to most definitely should. It doesn't matter how big or small that stand is, if you make it, that's one more strike against the hate we face. We can't let these deaths have been in vain, they must be our inspiration to fight back. So let this day be not only one of reflection and remembrance, but let it also be one of inspiration to move our cause forward. It's up to each and every one of us to do so, one person can make a difference. Rest in peace brothers and sisters, we will not forget you.

New Website

I decided to move most of the stuff from my old site over to a new one, I was tired of not having my name in the site address. There were too many broken picture links and bad grammar on the old one also. So, as of now, I have one website that links everything of mine on the net together. It took a few days, but something happened earlier in the week that made me a bit embarassed by the old site. I got asked to be in a documentary on transgender people, I'm not quite sure where it's going to go just yet. I'm pretty certain he's legit, and after talking to him a bit I can tell he knows what he's talking about. I can't really say it's anything definite yet, but I guess I'll see where things take me. Part of me is nervous about possibly doing it, but at the same time it may be my chance to get my opinions heard in a big way. It's something I may have to look forward to at the very least. I'll keep things updated as I know more about it. I overhauled the website for sake of having something halfway decent looking for people to see if this documentary thing goes anywhere. I changed the link over on the right, just click the one labled my website to check it out, if you want.

Good Times

There isn't too much to talk about lately, I did get to go out for Halloween night. I went out to a club in Norfolk with a few friends, including one I hadn't seen for well over a year. I also got to see another really good friend I hadn't seen for a while, so I guess the good luck symbol on my tattoo is working already. I actually found out last night that the guy who did it is dating the sister of a guy I went to school with. She found me on facebook and thanked me for letting him do my tattoo, and that he had actually gone online and looked up stuff about it that night after he did it. It's so great to know people I never expected it from are open minded about me. It's also great to know I made a real impression on the guys at the tattoo place, apparently they were talking about me, all good stuff too. I did set aside a few hours to do my own serious thing for Halloween, seeing as I celebrate Samhain, the original ancient Celtic version of Halloween. I just love how the timing of getting my tattoo and the holiday happened, I swear few big things in my life seem to happen for no reason. I made a commitment not too long ago before I decided to get the tattoo, that I'm going to make serious effort to eventually become a Wiccan high priestess. The tattoo in a way is my reminder to myself of the path I'm called to follow, and how to stay on that path. Getting it right before the most major holiday I celebrate, my new year, speaks volumes to me. It's like with the beginning of a new year, I've also begun a new chapter in my life. I don't usually bring my religion up on here, but it's time I remain true to my description of an uncensored diary of my life. This was just too big to go unmentioned, the last 4 days have really been great for me. I love when something otherwise insignificant, can really grab your attention and show you something profound. I'm on the right path in life, I've had all the confirmation I need lately, and it feels wonderful.