First Appointment

I finally had my therapy appointment today, and things went pretty well. I found out she had actually had transgender patients before, so that makes me feel like she knows what she's talking about. Somehow she guessed that I did pot, but she said she didn't think it was that bad. We talked a little about anti depressants, mostly about if I felt like I would like to try them. I'll have to go talk with the psychiatrist first to get them, but for now I'm going to wait a week or two and see if I still feel like I need them. I'm going to go back once a week for now until I feel like I'm getting a bit more comfortable. Mostly I just want to get the getting to know me part sped up a little. I like her, and I think things are going to go pretty well. I have hope for this. Last weekend was a little bit good and a little bad. My step dad tried to cause more problems, but my aunt got it straightened out. Me and my aunt actually had a really long talk Saturday night about things. I found out me and her have a lot of the same problems and issues. So it's nice knowing that someone else in the family knows what I go through. She told me the next day that if I ever needed to get away from things to just let her know, because she could come get me and I could stay there for a while. So me and her seem to have more in common than we ever thought. I don't know where things are going to take me. I hope I can get some help in therapy with all of this shit, but I guess only time will tell.

An Awesome Weekend!

I'm happy to say that I'm doing much better after the awesome weekend I had. I stayed with a good friend of mine Saturday night and ended up getting more stoned than I've ever been. I was saying that I needed it with all the stress I've been having lately, so it really helped me loosen up. It makes me feel so much better for at least a couple days afterwards. Anyway I spent last night in Richmond with another good friend of mine that I've known like forever. She was worried about me too after all of my mental freak outs last week, so I hung out there for a day. I got to watch the sunset from a rooftop three stories above the city Sunday night. Then Monday morning I went with her to her art history class at VCU, which I found to be very interesting. I loved starting my day learning about mesoamerican art history. In all it was a nice time away from home to just slow down a bit and have a little fun. A change of scenery did me pretty good for now. I know it's only a temporary fix, but it's better than nothing. At least I know I have friends who care about me, so that definitely helps. I tried to get an earlier appointment to see that therapist, but with the 4th of July weekend coming up and her taking vacation time, the 8th is still the best I could do. I guess I can hold out until then now. I just have to find ways to keep myself busy, and I might potentially be hanging out with one of my friends on the 5th. I've actually been avoiding the internet lately. It just seems like it's caused me more problems than it's worth. Anyway, I'm alright, so that's what counts. I may be online slightly less, but I'm going to be ok, I haven't given up hope yet.

I'm Going Back Into Therapy

I would have written about this sooner, but I've had some problems with my internet the last few days. Hopefully that's now fixed, I've got my fingers crossed. Anyway, I managed to get an appointment with that therapist Monday. There's a rather funny story to that. I called the office she was listed at and they told me she had switched offices, but that it was to another one in the same area. I got the phone number for it and thought it sounded familiar, so I looked at one of my old appointment cards from when I was seeing my old therapist and it was the same place. So apparently she took the place of my old therapist when she left, I'm just now finding out about this. I wish they had told me that they were hiring someone else that had experience with LGBT issues. Oh well, I made an appointment to see her on the 8th of July. Unfortunately I couldn't get one any sooner than that since she's on vacation most of next week. The last few days have made me wonder if I can last until then though. With no internet I had nothing to distract myself with, so I had some really bad break downs. I even went to my grandparents and told them what was going on and asked if there was any way I could get admitted to the mental hospital again. I've realized that I have problems with being alone, more like a fear of being alone. That's why having no distractions and living in the middle of nowhere gets to me, I hate not having anyone around I feel like I can talk to or do things with. When I'm out with friends or just out of the house in general I feel ok, but when I'm forced to sit in my room alone all day and night it depresses me. I've got a lot of stress on me lately too. My mom had to have my step dad arrested because he was leaving threatening voice mails on her phone. So she's scared he's going to try to hurt her when he makes bail, and he's done it in the past, I remember it and I don't want to see it again. A fucking meth lab was also busted in my neighborhood close enough that I could walk to it. I heard what I thought was a gun shot yesterday and I jumped out of bed half asleep crouched in the floor and grabbed a knife. So I'm very jumpy and stressed lately. Honestly, I feel like going to a mental hospital as a way to just get away from everything for a while and be in a place where I'm not alone and I can talk to people that can help me figure out some of my problems I'm having. I lied my way out the last time I was there, so I don't feel like I gave it the chance I should have. I think maybe I missed an opportunity to get some help. I don't know what I'm going to do, it's surprisingly hard to voluntarily admit myself to a mental hospital. I guess I'm going to have to wait until I see the therapist to see what she can help me decide to do. If I'm not online or around much in the next few days I'm staying with friends for the weekend. They want to keep me busy until the 8th. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.

Help

I need help, and I mean the kind I can only get from a therapist. Lately it just seems like my mental state has taken a nose dive. On Monday I hung out with a friend for the first time in about a month, so naturally I was pretty happy. After she left my house things just seemed to slowly go downhill. By 3 in the morning, about 12 hours later, I was depressed and borderline suicidal. I haven't really mentioned this to many people until now, I guess I've been trying to get past it by myself and hope that's enough. I don't think I can do it alone anymore, I need to get back into therapy. I know there's more going on than just gender dysphoria, at the very least my depression is back. At the worse I have it narrowed down to either I'm bi polar, or I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder. OCPD seems to be the most likely to me, that's where most of the common symptoms of the two overlap. All of the symptoms of it apply to me as opposed to about half with bi polar. I don't like to self diagnose, which is why I want to go back into therapy. I can't say 100% for sure I have anything that the GD isn't causing, all I know is there's more that needs to be treated than just it. I found a therapist fairly close by that has experience working with lgbt people, and my grandparents decided to get the name on my insurance changed. So as soon as the new card comes in the mail I'm going to try to find out if she's taking new patients. I can't transition without therapy like this anymore. She's not exactly what I was looking for, she doesn't specialize with TG people, but it's better than trying to take a chance with a therapist I know nothing about. I've refused anti depressants since I was 16, but I'm willing to give them a chance now I guess. It's either get into therapy and try to get some help, or become a pothead. I'll have less legal problems with therapy, so I guess I'll try, even if pot works as a great anti depressant. I know I have other problems to take care of, and it's time I do something to take care of them.

Rough but Good Times

Well, I guess it's time I write something here again. Things have been pretty rough lately, my grandfather died last Wednesday. I'm not nearly as sad though as I wish I could be, I never really got to know him that well. I think that's what bugs me the most, I missed 12 years that I could have known him because of my family. It's too late to really bitch much about that, whats done is done. The funeral caused me a bit of stress though, mostly before and during. I was worried the day before about how extended family that didn't know I'm TG would react, I was calling my mom asking if me wearing a dress would be an issue or not. I mean normally I wouldn't consider toning down the girly looks, but I really didn't want to ruin the funeral if people reacted badly. She told me it was fine though, and my aunt didn't want me to hide who I am, so I did it. I'm actually very glad I did now, because no one seemed to notice, believe it or not. Apparently they were such extended family that they didn't know if my mom had a son and a daughter or two sons. All they seemed to know was that she had a son. She introduced me as her daughter to everyone, and they all seemed a little confused but went along with it anyway saying they didn't know she had a daughter. They did keep asking if she didn't have a son though, but we just said it was my brother. I honestly don't think anyone could tell I was TG, if they did, they didn't let on to it. They treated me and accepted as my moms daughter, and I got lots of compliments on how much I look like her too. It made me feel really good to know I had passed so well. The pastor that did the funeral service was actually one that spoke at my high school graduation and shook my hand when I got my diploma, and he never recognized me. I feel kind for bad being that happy at a funeral, but I was just so shocked by how well everything went. Well, I take that back. One thing did go wrong that morning, but not with me. My step dad decided he wasn't going to let my brother come to the funeral, because my mom walked out on him 2 weeks ago and is getting a divorce. He told my brother that if he went he couldn't come back home. Needless to say a lot of people were pissed off that day as well as sad. I mean that's a low blow by anyone's standards, and just makes me hate him even more. I'm glad my mom walked out on him, and she has a boyfriend too that accepts me as I am and is pretty cool. So I'm hoping things with my family take a turn for the better in the near future.

Epiphany

As the title says I had an epiphany tonight. I watched the movie American Beauty for the first time, and the messages in it hit me particularly hard. There was this scene where a guy had filmed a plastic bag blowing in the wind, and said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The quote was...

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

The next part that really hit me was in the end of the movie. The father of the guy who made the bag film shot the father of the girl he was dating, reasons can only be speculated. But this was the quote the movie ended on, it was the guy who had been shot narrating...

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

It just spoke to me at a time when I thought I had hit rock bottom. I've majorly been depressed lately, even to the point of considering trying to kill myself again, but then I saw this movie. It came out of nowhere and challenged my entire thought process as of lately. It made me completely rethink my outlook on life, and realize what I'm missing by sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day. There's beauty in this world that goes unnoticed, not because it's not there, but because we don't take the time to see it for what it is, even when we're starring right at it. Life isn't about getting ahead, being successful, or even just getting by. It's about living, and experiencing life for what it is, overpowering, and overwhelming beauty. This movie told me to shut up about my problems, calm the fuck down and take a look around me at what I'm missing, and just realize how amazing life is. It's exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right moment. I had broken down crying right before it came on, just out of complete despair, and I almost didn't watch it. I changed the channel and then came back to it a minute later, and I'm glad I did. It's one those movies I love not because it looks cool or has lots of gore and action, but because it makes me stop and think. It forces you to re evaluate yourself and your place in the world, that to me is the best kind of movie. I don't know how long this will stick with me, maybe a day, maybe the rest of my life. All I know is that as of now I'm going to try to not stress the little things in life, take in the beauty around me, and just live life. I think that's all anyone can honestly do. Maybe I sound crazy as all hell right now, but I don't care, I know I didn't watch that movie for no reason. I think there's a lot of hope for me in this life yet, I just had to find it.

My Boring Life

It's been a while since I wrote anything here, things have been a little crazy lately I guess. I got my debit card last Tuesday, finally. I had some trouble activating it and had to go to the bank about it, but it all turned out fine. So now everything has the correct name on it. I didn't get anymore trouble with my meds at the pharmacy, so that was a relief. Otherwise I can't really say very much has been going on. It's been long hours of boredom sitting around unable to really do much about my situation. I did stay the night at a friend's house the other night, and the next day I tried pot for the first time. Honestly, I wouldn't mind if I could use it all the time, helped me forget about my problems for a little while at least. But I guess unless hell freezes over and it's ever legalized here, my money is better spent on hormones. The depression lately has been as much from losing my ex as it is about my job situation. He called me one night not too long ago and we talked about a lot of things. He pretty much said that he's still in love with me and wished I would take him back. There's a long story behind it, but I'll spare all the details. Basically we've both admitted that wish we could get back together, but we're scared it's just going to pick up where it left off and be the same old problems. I don't know, I get the feeling that I'm more over him than he is over me though. I don't know what to do about it all. I'm just trying to forget my problems lately in some effort to relax, I'll take care of them a little later.